Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Aftermath

Well, here I am.....again. God, this is getting monotonous, isn't it?

Now that I've gone through the bloodbath that is a post-IVF cycle AF, I've had a little time to process this hot mess, also known as "my reproductive years", and it's a bitter pill to swallow.

All these years of trying, failing, trying again, then failing some more, were not due to my shitty tubes, but more than likely a combo punch of shitty tubes AND shitty (or, as I like to call them, "scrambled") eggs. The hard truth that nothing, NOTHING we did in these last 8 or so years would've mattered, because the likelihood of this working were almost zilch.

Yeah, it's good that we now know what we're dealing with, but I really wish we could've had this news a little earlier than now. Maybe it would've been harder to deal with if we knew this a few years ago, I don't know. I just feel like we wasted so much damn time when there was really no viable chance traditional IVF would have worked for us. I just feel so frustrated about that.

Then, we get into the whole "third-party reproduction" aspect of this. I stand by my earlier post-I'm not opposed to doing DE-IVF. Seriously, if you met some of the members of my family, you'd see that genetics aren't all they're cracked up to be. Sean's big thing that he needs to overcome is that he won't see "me" in a baby, should we do this. He's always had that dream of being able to pick out my genetic traits in our children, but who's to say that would even happen, even if we were able to have kids with my eggs? I'm a walking recessive gene to begin with (lighter hair and blue eyes as opposed to my dark haired/skinned/eyed Italian family), so I know that it's no guarantee. But, now that the dust has settled a little, he's really not opposed to doing it either. He feels a little weird that it's only his genetic makeup that would determine biological parentage, but I pointed out that if we did a traditional adoption it wouldn't look like either one of us.

That's the other thing that has been running around the old homestead lately-how our families would react to this. Surprisingly, my parents are really cool about it (despite no genetic relation to a grandchild should this work). They told us that if this is what we want, we should go for it. Honestly, it's nobody's damn business, except for us and the doctor (and a pediatrician). If we adopted nobody would even question it. Maybe it's a little non-traditional, but hey, so was IVF 30 years ago. I mean, I wouldn't broadcast it to the world, but the people who would need to know would. It's that simple.

Now, on to the shitty news-DE-IVF isn't covered under Sean's plan-his company has self-funded insurance, which means that they are not subject to any mandated coverage in any of the states that they are located (one of which is in IL, which apparently has a good mandate). MY costs would be covered, but not the donor's. Which comes to a price tag of almost $20,000, including the donor and clinic fees. Yeah, not the news we'd been hoping for. Ironically enough, had I not lost my full-time status I WOULD HAVE been covered, under NJ's Family Building Act. Another reason to loathe the way education is now being handled here, but there is a SMALL chance that I might get my job back full-time in the fall, so we might be able to hang on for a bit. It just feels like yet another setback for us, just when we've decided on a new path. And, unfortunately, taking out a loan isn't an option for us right now, what with me not working full-time, we'd probably not qualify. I just feel that sometimes the universe is shitting all over us. Is somebody trying to give us the cosmic hint?

It just really is disheartening-who knew that having a baby would be one the hardest things we'd have to do?

19 comments:

BigP's Heather said...

Isn't that last sentence the truth. I always thought the first year was supposed to be the hardest...

Shelli said...

We often joke that Malka and Noah Matan were cheaper than trying to get me preggers....

And the bonus is that sexy tax credit after adoptions are finalized.

xo

Lut C. said...

When we learned what was wrong after a measly 3 years of trying I regretted 'all that time' we had spent doing pointless things. Like try naturally. Or do IUI.
I think it's only natural that you're frustrated about all those years. More so for each year. I'm embarassed to even make the comparison.
But there was no test available to give us the information earlier. There still isn't.

It must be very frustrating to now have a new plan in mind and not be able to start planning. I hope things change in the fall.

Anonymous said...

Hey if new jersey is like cali, it will take a couple on weeks-months to get ready to adopt like adoption Classes, home visit etc. you can start that process if your thinking about adoption. And if later down the line you two decide that adoption is not for you then you dont go through with it. No matter what you guys decide, when you finally meet your child, adopted or DEIVF you'll be in love.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure that this would provide any comfort, but my extremely fertile friend who took a whole month to get pregnant did tell me after our fourth IVF with the last of my husband's sperm that seeing yourself in your children is interesting for about ten minutes and then not really interesting at all. Now that we are on to donor sperm, I think about that a lot.

Barely Sane said...

De-lurking to add one little tidbit of insight:
When we chose to adopt, the loss of that bio connection was not as hard as the loss of "seeing" it. What I was not prepared for is that the learned behaviours of my daughter truly are easy to see as either myself or DH. It turns out the thing I was most upset about losing was never really lost.
So while a child from a DE or adoption may not look like you physically, he/she will still become a part of you and have your traits.
Good luck with whatever path you choose!

Anna said...

My husband looks NOTHING like his parents - to the point we all joke that he was switched at the hospital. He actually has some of the traits from his mother's side, but there really isn't any resemblance to his parents. I look like a good combination of my parents.

We did DE IVF with my cousins' eggs (she volunteered). I'm glad she did, because our son has "my" eyes (as do ALL my cousins on that side of the family!), but more importantly because her family is tied to our family in such a wonderful way. My only brother passed away and DH is an only child. My cousins are now his aunts and uncles; their children, his cousins. We were close before this, but now it's wonderful to have this bond.

My only concern for using an anonymous donor is for all those questions which will eventually come up. It's a lot to consider and whichever route you choose, I do hope you'll be successful :)

Joey said...

Sorry to hear you're going through all this. I've found this blog helpful too.

www.thechildlessmom.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

i have been checking in on you for over 3 years and have been a silent cheerleader of your's for so long. i truly believe you will hold "your" baby in your arms some day. regardless of how this child comes into your life when you look into his/ her eyes it will all make sense. only then will you realize why you had to endure all this. that specific child is meant to be in your life and would not be in it without all this pain you suffered. this child will be your rainbow at the end of this storm- i truly believe this... xoxox

Anonymous said...

Hello, are you still there? Hope your healing o.k. it's been a while and just want you to know a lot of us are thinking about youand wishing you well. I hope your finding happiness out there. God Bless

Yours Truly said...

Good luck to you guys :-)

KJ said...

That last sentence is dead on. I always thought having a baby would be easy... until we decided to try to have one. It is hard- and doesn't quite seem fair.

women fertility said...

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Jose said...

Hang in there e are going for out third try

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Jonny and Brittany said...

I just ran across your blog and LOVE your honesty!:) I am starting my first round of in vitro this week and I'm a hot mess! Having a baby is truly the hardest thing for some of us- so unfair!Thank you for sharing!Just started an infertility blog of my own to journal the honest feelings in this journey.:)

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