Friday, February 04, 2011

BFN Times....Oh Shit, I've Lost Count.....

Dr Pipsqueak called herself with the news (she told me that Nurse Blondie was so upset that she couldn't give me the results) that it's yet another BFN. She was also really upset on the phone but talked to me for about 20 minutes about the PGD results and different options we now have.

Recommendation? Donor egg or adoption. Yep, the likelihood of using my own eggs to get a baby are kind of like a blizzard in Hawaii. Not happening. I mean, she said that the only way that they'd do a cycle again with my eggs is with PGD, but really....what's the point? I'm not going to suddenly get tons of normal embryos-in fact, what if I ended up with the same stats, or worse, nothing to transfer at all? She thinks that, despite my original diagnosis of tubal factor and overstimming, I should have been pregnant and had babies by now, and this might have really been the problem all along-since I started cycling almost 8 years ago, my eggs were shitty all along. Go figure....I apparently never had a fighting chance, or, as she said: "We've been beating our heads against a brick wall wondering why it didn't work, and now it makes sense". Lovely.

Lots of decisions to make, but they're sending me a donor recipient packet (aren't I lucky that my RE is head of the ovum donor program!) for me to see what it's all about. My clinic apparently has a 60% "take-home baby rate" and 40% of recipients have extra embryos to freeze. Maybe the odds might finally be in my favor?

Hell, my genetic makeup isn't all it's cracked up to be-look at my bipolar crazy aunt and the cancer history in my family. Yes, it SUCKS to think, if we do this, that I won't be able to look into my baby's face and see my family traits there. But really, I just want a child. I don't care if it has my ears, my mother's nose and my dad's hairline.

I'm tired and I'm not getting younger and it's time. I want a baby. If this is the way to get one, then so be it.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

I really am so very sorry that yet again things did not go as planned - as you so deserved. Can't quite believe that the powers that be couldn't give this one to you.

It does sound like you've accepted your shitty fate, regarding your own eggs and are open to pursuing the next step - in that I applaud you! I cannot begin to imagine how beat down, beat up and pissed off you feel about this whole frickin' "process".

Cheering you on and hoping for the best - which will include a baby in your arms - sooner, rather than later god dammit!

Jen

Silver said...

I just had a baby using donor eggs and I can tell you from happy experience that I really don't care that I can't see myself in my baby (though, bizarrely, he does look like my sister's son at the same age!) - I have a baby!!! I'd given up hope of that ever happening and it had become clear that continuing to use my eggs was a waste of time - 8 years, 6 miscarriages, 6 rounds of clo.mid, an IUI, an IVF and an ICSI with CGH array brought no baby. One cycle with donor eggs and I have a baby and three perfect frozen embryos. Go for it!

BigP's Heather said...

I'm sorry about the BFN.

That sounds like a good rate, yes?

MrsSpock said...

So sad this didn't work out for you- but I hope the next step brings exactly what you've dreamed of.

Shelli said...

I love that you are open to this, and I love you.

That point when I realized that it wasn't about my genetics, and about just being a fucking parent? it was like a tidal wave of relief.

SO glad pipsqueak is HEAD of the ovum donor program! SO glad - that's serious awesomeness.

Cheers said...

I am so sorry about the BFN. Whatever your decision it will be whats right for you. I wish my hubs had been open to donor eggs!

Brock and Shana said...

I'm sorry about the outcome of all of this but I'm happy that now you have some answers and can move closer to bringing home your baby. However that should be. Hugs!

Lut C. said...

It's a disaster. Or a tragedy. Or both. So final. I'm so sorry.

Of course I'm glad that you're open to trying a new route, and I hope it fulfills its promise.

Knowing that you never had a fighting chance, that is a big blow, after all this time.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that once again you've faced yet another bfn. i hope that the option of using donor eggs works out for you. i am the non-bio of my son's two moms...while i'm not biologically related to him - he's still mine. i've been told he looks and acts so much like me and i don't bother to inform most people that i actually didn't give birth to him. who cares? he's the love of my life.
good luck on your journey!

reflexologypregnancy said...

How many of us have been through the discovery that its not so easy to get pregnant as we thought it was going to be… some of us, thinking just that, have used contraception until it was the right time in our lives to have a baby… only to find that after all that lovely planning.. we cant seem to get it right…. Its not so easy after all. Now we go on the route of tests, drugs, jabs, sniffs, and of course, if we are lucky enough to live in the right area, 1 or 2 lots of I.V.F., after which the cost is far too high to even think about…. Our partner too, sometimes sent to a little hospital room with a plastic container !... how awful, and of course, a far cry from natural, spontaneous lovemaking, but so great is our desire to have a baby, that by now well try anything….. To go back the thought of Natural… have you ever thought about Reflexology, and how it may be able to help where other treatments have failed ?.... Im a successful, qualified Reflexologist, and ive specialized in helping women to get pregnant, after they’ve gone through everything else… often im the last resort !... Ive tried to answer some of the questions you may have on my website www.reflexologypregnancy.com and ive also included some helpful ideas for you which are always part of my treatments

Thalia said...

yes, well, unlike the previous comment I am not spam. I'm really sorry, S, this is just rubbish. I'm really glad you've got options, and that you're clear that simply continuing is not something you are prepared to do. I have lots of hope for your next step.

Ali said...

I am so sorry about the BFN. But am excited that there are other options out there. I read the following quote once and held it close for a very, very long time, "If you want to be a parent YOU WILL BE A PARENT - it may not be in the way that you originally envisioned, but YOU WILL BE A PARENT." So sorry for your craptastic week.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Dear S- I was so completely devastated, when, after a vasectomy reversal, many failed IUIs and failed IVF with ICSI, we were told we would have to use donor sperm if we ever wanted to get pregnant. I wanted to have MY HUSBAND'S baby! I could have never imagined being in a position to have to look through donor lists and select one! Ultimately, after many tears, and much deliberating and prayer, we went for it and after another round of IVF, this time with donor sperm, we have an AMAZING baby boy. The funny thing is, everyone who meets him (he's almost 3 now) says he doesn't look like me at all, he looks just like my husband. It is our secret, and he is OUR baby. I wouldn't trade him for ANYTHING! I'm not trying to preach...just letting you know your baby WILL be YOUR baby! God Bless!

Erin said...

I'm so sorry for another BFN. Believe me I know they don't get any easier. At least you have some answers now. My son (after 7 IVF cycles and PGD) is biologically mine and doesn't look a damn thing like me. Family isn't about genes, it's about love. I know that's a little cheesy, but hey. Once you see a flicker of a heartbeat and feel the little person move inside you, it's yours. Having a child does not make someone a mother. Some of us are moms waiting for kids. You're just taking the long way there.

ivfmexico said...

Thanks for sharing the idea there would be some apprehensions from segment but i am up for it.
infertility center Mexico

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