Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Panic Attack

OK, today is not gonna be a fun day.

I didn't write about this before, maybe because I really didn't want to admit it to myself yet-you know, if you don't talk about it, it really isn't there-but this morning I'm about to embark on Phase II of my infertility journey. I'm going into the hospital this morning to have an operative hysteroscopy, in preparation for my first IVF cycle sometime in March. The doctor is doing a D&C (where they dilate your cervix and scrape out cells) to slightly widen the opening in my cervix (that way they can hopefully put in a cathether filled with a few fertilized embryos without any problems), an endometrial biopsy (to make sure that my lining of my uterus can effectively sustain a pregnancy) and a diagnostic hysteroscopy (to check my uterus and make sure that there isn't anything funny in there) all at the same time-amazingly enough, he tells me it will only be a 30 minute procedure.

I'm scared shitless. Truly, honestly, scared out of my mind.

Maybe I'm being a baby, I dunno. First of all, there's general anesthesia involved, which is scary-what if I wake up during the procedure? What if I don't wake up at all? Also, losing time is somewhat frightening to me. Then there's the fear that I'll be in a lot of pain afterwards. Not to mention the fear that, because of the urinary catheter they will undoubtly put in, I won't be able to pee afterward, which means that I can't leave to go home (they won't let you leave unless you can pee on your own). And, there's the IV-I kept having dreams all week about Sean pulling out my IV while I was waiting to go in. I'm so freaked out I'm afraid to go to sleep, because that will bring the morning on that much sooner.......

These are the thoughts that are racing through my head, that have been there for two or three weeks already, slyly reminding me and that, stubbornly, won't go away. These are the things that I cannot verbalize to anyone-not to my husband, to my parents, to my friends-without seeming like a huge, irrational idiot.

I know it isn't easy for Sean to see me dealing with this, especially when he's not the one with the problems conceiving. I'm sure that there's some guilt there. And, I know that I've been really bitchy the past few days-nerves, I suppose-and taken shit out on him. I'm just having a hard time dealing with this right now.

I totally wish that I could have taken a Valium tonight, just to calm myself down. But, alas, it is not to be, along with no food or drink after midnight, no jewelry and nail polish. Apparently, I'm allowed to keep my wedding band on, but I'm sure that will change too.

I know that in twelve hours or so I will be home, in bed, hopefully medicated, and I will say that it wasn't so bad, but I can't let myself think of that right now.

Boy, if I can get pregnant as a result of all of these tests, surgeries, injections, more surgery, and the like, it's totally worth it. Sometimes, the things that are most precious to you, the things you appreciate the most, are the things you have to fight for.

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