Okay, my husband is officially a sick bastard.
Really sick. Like, ill in the head.
Here's the story:
After school I went to the salon for my haircut and highlighting (which looks FABOO, btw). I leave the salon, feeling all sassy and sexy, to go home, where my hot husband is wating (well, not waiting for me, really, but for his dinner-however, we'll get back to that in a second). He's looking so cute and I'm feeling so sexy and sassy that......well........I go to give him a hug and I'm feeling frisky and........I unzip his jeans and stick my hands down the front.......
Okay, you're seeing the setup, right? And, I know what you're thinking-that we had hot sex on the kitchen floor.
As my hands undid his belt.....he farted. FARTED, people. Not a loud one-oh, no no no. That would've been funny (at least, in our house). No, he decided to do an SBD (Silent But Deadly) and not give me a warning.
So you can just picture that, as I unzipped his jeans and stick my hands in the front.....I unknowingly released the noxious fumes that had just fallen out of his ass. Or, "Releasing the Kracken", as we have now christened it.
Dude, I almost threw up on him. It STUNK so bad, I thought he shit himself.....SERIOUSLY. I couldn't stop gagging and I had to check my hands for fart-burns.
Now, ask me if he even apologized for this frat-house antic.
All he said was, "Oops.....I forgot to tell you about that......they're really gross, aren't they-I was making myself nauseous all day at work".
Oops? OOPS? Are you kidding me? And, how can you FORGET to tell someone who just happens to have their hands around your shaft that YOU JUST PUSHED A STINKY FART OUT OF YOUR ASS?? It's not like you forgot something on the grocery list or didn't pick up the dry cleaning or neglected picking up the mail-you forgot that you laid a stinky? How can you FORGET you're making that "a small woodland creature just crawled up your ass and died" stench?? It's kinda hard to ignore, ya know.
Needless to say, his stinky ass made dinner last night. And cocoa. And dessert. Because, let's face it-friends don't let friends fart before foreplay and ruin the sexing. And, if they do, they're in the doghouse. Where they can breathe in the foul smell creeping out of their bowels.
Oh, God- and I still want children with this man? Is stinky gas a genetic trait that'll be passed on? Do you think that Dr. Pipsqueak could do PGD for stinky ass-gassiness?
Just. Plain. Nasty.