Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Reason #5205 That I Might Seriously Reconsider Procreating With My Husband

Okay, my husband is officially a sick bastard.

Really sick. Like, ill in the head.

Here's the story:

After school I went to the salon for my haircut and highlighting (which looks FABOO, btw). I leave the salon, feeling all sassy and sexy, to go home, where my hot husband is wating (well, not waiting for me, really, but for his dinner-however, we'll get back to that in a second). He's looking so cute and I'm feeling so sexy and sassy that......well........I go to give him a hug and I'm feeling frisky and........I unzip his jeans and stick my hands down the front.......

Okay, you're seeing the setup, right? And, I know what you're thinking-that we had hot sex on the kitchen floor.

NOT.

As my hands undid his belt.....he farted. FARTED, people. Not a loud one-oh, no no no. That would've been funny (at least, in our house). No, he decided to do an SBD (Silent But Deadly) and not give me a warning.

So you can just picture that, as I unzipped his jeans and stick my hands in the front.....I unknowingly released the noxious fumes that had just fallen out of his ass. Or, "Releasing the Kracken", as we have now christened it.

Dude, I almost threw up on him. It STUNK so bad, I thought he shit himself.....SERIOUSLY. I couldn't stop gagging and I had to check my hands for fart-burns.

Now, ask me if he even apologized for this frat-house antic.

Again............NOT.

All he said was, "Oops.....I forgot to tell you about that......they're really gross, aren't they-I was making myself nauseous all day at work".

Oops? OOPS? Are you kidding me? And, how can you FORGET to tell someone who just happens to have their hands around your shaft that YOU JUST PUSHED A STINKY FART OUT OF YOUR ASS?? It's not like you forgot something on the grocery list or didn't pick up the dry cleaning or neglected picking up the mail-you forgot that you laid a stinky? How can you FORGET you're making that "a small woodland creature just crawled up your ass and died" stench?? It's kinda hard to ignore, ya know.

Needless to say, his stinky ass made dinner last night. And cocoa. And dessert. Because, let's face it-friends don't let friends fart before foreplay and ruin the sexing. And, if they do, they're in the doghouse. Where they can breathe in the foul smell creeping out of their bowels.

Oh, God- and I still want children with this man? Is stinky gas a genetic trait that'll be passed on? Do you think that Dr. Pipsqueak could do PGD for stinky ass-gassiness?

Just. Plain. Nasty.


24 comments:

Melissa said...

Hahaha! Hopefully you get around to the nookie after the gassiness passes a bit. This might be TMI - but it might make you feel better. One time my husband farted right after we had sex, while we were still nekkid and while he was still connected to me, so to speak. Nothing like the true love of marriage, where you can totally relax (your sphincter!)

Dana said...

Bruce and I now have tears in our eyes! Thanks for the laughs, and sorry about the lost nookie!

MelnHead said...

I must share with my hubby- I was cracking up, because, I've been there- with both my ex-hubby and current one, LOL! I'm sure most women have. :) But it sure is funnier to read about someone elses' encounter. :)

Inglewood said...

Both S and I were cracking up, I had tears in my eyes. Thanks.

Nickie said...

*typing thru my tears of howling laughter*

Are we married to the same man?

I have to let my DH read this post and maybe, just maybe he'll realize that he did NOT marry the only woman out there who gets grossed out at this crap.

Thanks for the serious laugh, I needed that!!!

Also reminds me, time to get my hair done again. Sassy sounds like fun.

Tara said...

That is the single most funny post I've read in a long time. Thank you. Maybe a little too close to home (my home) - but that just makes it even more funny.

Thanks, I needed that.

Lara said...

That's fricken hilarious! Mostly because its sooo something my sweet Bry would do too. Saying he forgot is EXACTLY what MSB would say. UGH! MEN!!! Glad for the good cut and color...you going to post a photo to share of it?

Jules said...

LOL! That's something my DH would do.

Thanks for sharing

Isabel said...

LOL that was hilarious. Sorry about the no-nookie, though, that sucks.

Shelli said...

OMG - I just laughed OUT LOUD at work, and the RABBI asked me wat was so funny - I, erm, had to LIE.

It's all the funnier, because I KNOW "said husband"! - and um, SO didn't need the visual of you "man handleling him" but I'll forgive that one for the absolute fart laughter action.

OMG, I'm STILL laughing.

Jessica said...

hahahahaha Sorry but I had to laugh.... and yes, I'm also showing my husband this.

Lut C. said...

Now that's what I call a bad move!

Carol said...

OMG! I nearly lost my lunch from laughing!

OHN said...

Not only do I have a husband that thinks farting is a man's job but we also have 3 sons that shreek with laughter and compare smell levels...Oh why oh why do I not have daughters??

Watson said...

Ah yes, HUSBANDS.

Can't kill 'em, can't go around wearing a gas mask to protect you from the noxious odors...

My husband also has a terrible double standard.

He likes the smell of his own farts ('smells like BREAD') but God forbid if I ever passed gas I think he'd divorce me right there and then.

My Reality said...

Did he at least regret that he blew his opportunity to get some?

shazz said...

OMG LMAO, so not funny but sorry its funny!!

ms. c said...

I believe you may be married to my husband!
This familliar situation made me laugh so hard... thanks for sharing this "moment".

cat said...

It is genetic... the mini has farts that are as loud and stinky as the misters are.

Ahhh men... next time you eat beans for dinner give him the dutch oven! That will teach him.

Brenda said...

My gosh I have never giggled so much in my life as I just have reading your post!!!
Yes your husband is a dirty shit. lol I hope you didn't 'give'him any. :)

Hugs Brenda
xxx

laura said...

Wow, I needed a good laugh today. Thank you for providing it. I, too, have been the victim of those silent-but-deadlies - they think they are FUNNY!

Anna said...

Okay, I think that's one instance when fart ≠ funny.
I'm sorry about that but glad to hear he at least made it up with dinner, dessert & cocoa.

Ah, men ; )

Jessica ~ fellow infertilty sufferer said...

I am sorry the slinky sex didn't happen, but you had me literally rolling on the couch laughing as I read this to my DH! Maybe because I could totally see this happening wiht my DH. :)~

Thanks for the laugh.....but hugs to you!

Shelli said...

PS - sorry sweetie - dad is a stinky and noisy farter, and um, I've somewhat inherited those genetics....