Sunday, March 04, 2007

The Violet Shorts

When I read my last post, I was worried that I'd offend some people, because I know that losing 20 pounds doesn't seem like a lot, and that I'm bitching unnecessarily. So, I do apologize if it looks like I'm being a whiny bitch-it's not my intention. Honestly, when I tell people my weight they're surprised at the number, so I don't care about the number. I think that, for me, losing the weight and getting fit is more of a control issue than being the weight I am. I can't control if my uterus or tubes are working correctly, I can't control if I get OHSS in an IVF cycle or not, and I can't control whether an embryo will or won't implant into my uterus, but I CAN control what my body looks like. I do have the ability to become healthier, and that's what I'm going to try to do. Perhaps that's why I'm so determined-it's one of the things that I do have some sway over.

That's not to say that I'll always eat in a healthy way, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it, either. It's unrealistic to think that I won't fall off the bandwagon. But, I'm going to try my hardest not to. So, if anyone wants to join in on the bandwagon, feel free. It might be nice to have an exercise buddy, instead of a cycle buddy, for a change.

I stopped by the gym yesterday afternoon to make sure that all of my information was there (which it was). Did I actually go in and work out, do you ask?

No. But, I did get some exercise yesterday (and I didn't eat shitty food, either.......and I was in the mall! Now THAT's willpower, since Auntie Anne's pretzels were on the way to the sporting goods store.....mmm......)

Because I went to the sporting goods store and bought about $200 worth of exercise gear-sneakers, sweats, a gym bag (Buddy peed in the last one I had), two sport bras, made especially for the "well-endowed", socks, and a combination lock. Since I spent about an hour in the store lugging said items back and forth on two floors (they don't have carts in the store), I feel that I got some lifting and cardio out of it.......okay, perhaps I'm spreading that a little thing, but nonetheless.....

I also purchased a pair of cute violet shorts, on clearance. They're a little shorter than I'd normally wear (that length being the equivalent of two kitchen Hefty bags wrapped around my thighs), but I did it on purpose. I hung the shorts up in my closet, where I can see them every morning. They're my incentive to losing the pounds and toning my body. I WILL get into these shorts, and I'll wear them in the gym and strut my bad self around, albeit with a noticeably smaller tush and thighs.

It's all about the control, everyone. I've been putting my body in the hands of others for the past five years-doctors, nurses, acupuncturists-and I've let them have all the control in my life-what to eat or not eat, what OTC meds I should/shouldn't take, blah blah bloody blah. And, I've felt, by doing that, I've given up control over my own path in life. Now it's time to resume my own path, to take back the control from others.

There is that saying that "God helps those who helps themselves", and, in this instance, it's so true. Nobody can help me if I sit on my ever-growing ass and cry, "poor me". I can't control my fertility, but I can control whether or not it makes me the victim in all of this. I am not a victim-it's just bad fucking luck all around. No, I can't change my infertility, but I can look damn good while I'm in the middle of it all. I can try to feel good about what I look like on the outside, regardless of my body's inability to conceive. And, I really, truly need to feel good about myself, for a change.

Hopefully by Easter there will be a start of a change-like a metamorphosis of sorts. I will be the infertile chickie with the smokin' bod-I will wear a two piece bathing suit this summer.

I will. Just you wait and see.


Thalia said...

I totally get the control thing. Just so long as you're not beating yourself up about it.

Lut C. said...

I love good food, good drink and I'm lazy. Never will I have the discipline to get in real shape.

Nickie said...

Get on wichya bad self!

Teach that bitch infertility who's boss! Or at least that Auntie Anne!

Anonymous said...

My DH and I have been trying to start a family for over two years now. No luck. After wasting time on silly Clomid challenges and the like, we buckled down and started on the IVF train. We had a failed IVF in September and a cancelled FET in December. Heartbreaking.

Anyway, I inadvertently PACKED on the pounds (blamed it on the meds, but it was probably due to depression) and after our cancelled FET, decided to get control of my body (if not my uterus) and start Weight Watchers. I've lost 24 pounds to date and have about 10-15 more. Our next FET is scheduled for March 16. Please say a little prayer. I WILL be smokin' hot while trying.

YOU CAN DO IT. I'm here for ya. :)

Shelli said...

I can't WAIT to see your hot self!


(As I sit here at work nibbling on a few m and m's that were left over from a meeting. koff koff)

MrsDrink said...

I just stumbled onto your page and this is my first post but I want to say that your blog is AMAZING. I'm going through my 26th cycle due to unexplained infertility and going to have a polyp removed from my cervix later this month. It never gets easier but know that I will lurk here for you all the time with many good wishes and wonderful thoughts. You deserve to be a mother and I pray your wishes come true!

All the hugs I can muster, coming your way!

Carol said...

That great to hear that you're getting back into the swing of things and taking control of something. I hope it helps you feel better.

Tara said...

I'm currently suffering through the aftermath of my first failed IVF cycle. I'm completely devastated and having an extremely difficult time getting through life at the moment.

On top of it all, I've gained a shitload of weight - and I was already pudgy to begin with. So.... as soon as I can pull myself together I'm going to join you on that weight loss / regain control mission.

But for now, it's a big accomplishment to get out of bed and shower myself.