Wednesday, August 22, 2007

St. Anthony says, "Accio, Test Results!!"

....and they've been found! YAY!

Okay, the contest winner is Frank, because his creative cross-relation between St. Anthony of Padua and Harry Potter. As a child, we had a plinth in our front yard with a four-foot statue of St. Anthony on it......and no, I didn't live in a convent-we're ITALIAN, for God's sake! It's almost as if it's MANDATORY to have a saint's statue in the front yard (that is, if you don't have a mini-grotto dedicated to the Blessed Mother). Anyway, Frank-you got brownie points due to the fact that I had a bit of nostalgia going on. Plus, in an eerie co-winkeedink, he is also one of the Patron Saints of infertility and/or barrenness. Betcha didn't know THAT!!

Heh. But, thanks to you guys for your answers-they gave me a giggle when I needed it.

Anywhoo........I finally got a message back the end of last week, so I have an appointment on the 28th with Dr. Pipsqueak to go over the results and also for a physical and date with the Follicular Lurve Wand......damn, should I wear my lacy DKNY bra and matching silk and lace panties for the event? Maybe shave my va-jay-jay in the shape of a heart? It's just that it's been a long time since I've had a wanding, and I'm all of a-flutter.

More than likely, since I'm 13dpo and I'm sure that I'll be Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System any day now, I'll show up in my graying period panties (aka "quitters" around here) with the rip in the waistband and a poonanny that looks like I took a Flowbee to it. Let's complete the "Snaggle Bush" look with hairy legs, too. Because I just. Don't. Give a shit.

I mean, really......do RE's (or twatotologists) REALLY CARE that you're....uh....cleaned up down there? Do they compare and contrast with other patients? I seriously doubt it-doctors, in general, don't look at patients as "human" when doing a clinical exam (and, that's not meant as a crack against doctors), so as to be less embarrassing for everyone involved. But really, wouldn't you love to know what they're thinking?

Okay, maybe I just want to know what they're thinking. 'Cause I'm just weird like that

Oh, who am I kidding? I'll make sure that my undies aren't quitters....

Le Sigh. Such is the life of an infertile.

12 comments:

Heather said...

During my last visit, I realized it doesn't matter what I wear. I had picked out a cut outfit - new pants...then I realized he never sees me in pants, just an ugly paper sheet. I'm slow like that.

Carrie said...

I always wonder that too. Should I "clean it up" down there? Would that make his job a little easier? Or will he think it's kinky and start wondering about our sex life? Will he even notice? Does it even matter? I wonder what he would say if I flat out asked: "Hey Doc, while you're down there, I was wondering what you thought of my and your other patients' nether regions. Do you compare them? Is there something you've always wanted to say to one of us after hanging out down there for a bit? Do you prefer Brazilian or au naturale?"

Lord help us.

michaeldiary said...

just wanted to say welldone, your blog is very well desighned

OHN said...

My neighbor is an OB/Gyn and I have often wondered if sex is boring with his wife since he sees vajayjays all day. I don't think I have the nerve to ask him. The one think I DO know is that docs comment on cleanliness in their medical records, especially in the "not quite so clean" patients!

Anna said...

I always try to spruce my self up, at very least, shave the bikini line. Try to keep things neat and trim. That kinda thing. I wonder what they think too...

Kim said...

I used to always make sure I was trimmed and my legs were shaved when I went in for my yearly GYN appointment. After the first few exams after my ovarian cancer diagnosis, however, I stopped caring. It's one thing when you're in the office once a year; it's another when you have people all up in there several times a week for months. Which is just what it's like with the IF thing now, too. I just gave up on making sure I was ALWAYS properly trimmed and shaved. Way too much work.

KB said...

Yes, they do notice and they tell their wives about the patients that stand out in either direction. I was friends with the wife of a gyno once and she told me lots of funny stories that her husband told her about his patients.

Heather said...

I'm glad your test results showed up - finally! Whenever I would clean up and try to look cute going to the RE, I knew it was just for me. Although I know I was never cleaned up and cute for the first wanding of the cycle. That was always the gross one. I remember the first time they told me to get myself prepared for that one. I asked them "Won't there be a mess?" Thankfully, one of the techs that was my favorite would always give me warm wet paper towels afterward to let me clean up. Yuck!!!!

Alisa said...

You know, after reading about the St Anthony statue and Mary grottos in your neighborhood, I thought - "She must be from Scranton too!" looked at your profile, and clearly I was wrong - you're from NJ, not PA...although that does sort of explain it as well. I grew up with a statue of St. Francis of Assisi in my yard. My mom always wanted a white brick Mary shrine, complete with mood lighting like my grandfather's house had. One house in our area even had a blue neon halo around Mary's head in their shrine!

~Denise~ said...

Isn't it so fun to be a woman?! I think most of us think about making ourselves "purty" for any twatologist appts. (I love that word!)

Glad your test results made an appearance.

I just love your sense of humor you inject. While I don't know if it's natural for you or if it is a defensive technique, your blog is a joy to read. When we were TTC and going through all the crap that comes with infertility, I learned to be a great actress. While I consider myself a funny person, I also injected extra humor into things. Then I wouldn't cry.

Good luck with your wanding.

Sunny Jenny said...

I love your title!! Why not Accio Baby! That would do!

MrsSpock said...

I don't know what the cooter docs think, but as a nurse I'm lifting my patient's gowns all day. I used to work Labor and delivery and had to do cervical checks all day. Mostly I don't think about or remember anyone's hoo-hah unless it falls in the extremes, like someone's who's completely shaved, the person with the "keep off the grass" tattoo above their pubes, or the morbidly obese patients who smelled worse than Satan's jockstrap...