Saturday, September 08, 2007

Called Out

I have to admit-I lurve you guys. Seriously.

I haven't actually sat down and talked to the lovely Sean yet about all of this (we've actually not seen much of each other since it's Fashion Week and he's jobbing out), but I am leaning toward trying au naturale for a bit longer. Then, perhaps we'll do that last cycle. Your comments made me see that 35 isn't really the Fertility Kiss Of Death as the twatotologists make it seem to be. Hell, if that were the case, how the frick did people in my family have "late in life" babies? I mean, my great-grandmother was pregnant with her firstborn the same time her own mother was pregnant with her last baby? Seriously-I think that my great uncle was only a few months older than his youngest aunt. If they can do it, so can I, right?

Maybe we'll do a cycle in February or March, depending on the lab schedule. We can't do a cycle in December or January, because of M and Sexy J's wedding at the beginning of October (now labeled the Event of the Century)-they just don't make sexy maternity wear in an "I'm about to drop this baby out of my cooter onto the dance floor" size. Well, you get what I mean. Unless we go to the camping store and buy a nice tent-hmmm, there's an idea.......

Anyways, all bets might be off if the school district's contract negotiations don't resolve, as the Board of Ed want us to pay into our benefits and the union doesn't want to. Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things, it isn't that big of a deal (Jaysus, I even payed into medical while working as an employee in a medical insurance company for 7 years), but when you've never payed into medical benefits before, it kind of sucks-especially since any raise in salary we get will then go towards medical insurance payments. And, we don't make a whole lot to begin with, even compared to other districts in our county. So, in effect, if we have to pay a percentage of our insurance, we're basically not getting a raise. Which blows large monkey anuses.

Needless to say, we're now working without a contract. The union tried to meet twice with the Board, but when the subject of paying for benefits came up, and the Board was told that it wasn't part of the agenda, the Board abruptly ended the meeting and walked out. Not good. So, let's hope that there isn't a "job action", because then we're REALLY screwed-and not just reproductively.

***************************************************

So, there's something that has been rolling around in one of the cavernous spots in my brain for about a few weeks now. It's regarding a comment left by the lovely Denise a few weeks ago (and I respectfully quote):

I just love your sense of humor you inject. While I don't know if it's natural for you or if it is a defensive technique, your blog is a joy to read. When we were TTC and going through all the crap that comes with infertility, I learned to be a great actress. While I consider myself a funny person, I also injected extra humor into things. Then I wouldn't cry.

Aww.....I'm blushing. You like me, you REALLY.....okay, you know the rest. Heh.

But seriously, Denise, what you said really struck me for a second, and it made me think about me and how I deal with all of this, and whether it's my personality or sense of self-preservation that shows through on this blog.

I totally get what you mean about being an "actress" when it comes to all of this crap. I try not to show my feelings in front of people, unless they're being total ignorant asshats-then I have to get my Infertility Freak On and "educate" them. I guess, to a point, my sense of humor could be a defensive measure (self-preservation and all that). But, have I always been the kind of person who finds something humorous in situations that are, in essence, not at all funny? Well.....yes. But, not deliberately. I like to tell stories, this is true, and I suppose that my theatre background helps in that regard. But, is it a part of my personality? I don't know.

I mean, I don't really consider myself having a great sense of humor (although, if those of you who know me IRL disagree, I stand corrected) or that I'm an extraordinarily funny person. I've thought about this, and I think that my particular brand of sarcasm is a direct result of infertility. A casualty, if you will. Oddly enough, between Sean and I, he's the one to be the "funny one" of the relationship. The one to make a joke in a TOTALLY inappropriate situation (like at a wake-and I'm serious about this). And, perhaps the twelve or so years that we've been together have rubbed off on me, and I've developed this too.

Yes, I do think that it's partly as a defense, but really I think this blog from the beginning has always been, for me, a form of therapy. A place to let things out. I suppose that, ideally, it's not entirely natural to find the humor in every aspect of infertility, and I really REALLY should go into "traditional" therapy but, for now, this has been enough for me. Will it always be enough? Who knows.

I think a lot of it is that I have to find the funny in the situation, to be able to deal with it. It's also to remind me that it's not always as bad as it can seem, because I sometimes overreact to things. That if I can laugh, and make someone else laugh, then it's not that horrible. Even if it is.

I also think that I try to put a sense of humor here because it isn't only a case of self-preservation, but perhaps it helps other people, too. I remember, even before I decided to blog, and in the early days, reading blogs like Julie's and Olivia Drab's (who just had her beautiful daughter yesterday-congrats!) and laughing my ass off, even when I felt like shit. And I was surprised that I felt better afterwards-that it didnt' make infertility "okay", but it made it more bearable for me. That doesn't mean that their reproductive lives are happy-go-lucky, but it helped me when I was in a low spot. So, maybe it's a case of "paying it forward".

I, too, rarely cry anymore when comes to infertility. Whether it's because I can laugh it off or because I'm desenstized to it I don't know-perhaps I'm just more accepting and used to it. But what I do know is that, regardless of whether you can laugh or cry about it, it all still sucks-no matter who you are, what your diagnosis is or whether or not you're still trying, in some sort of treatment, or have achieved your family. It still really really sucks.

But, thanks, Denise-your comment really made me think-and search myself to really get a grasp on my feelings........and that's always a good thing.

So, everyone-how do you get through? What do you do to cope?

And, booze doesn't count-that's a given.

10 comments:

Thalia said...

I don't know if I count, given I'm not exactly at the 'coping' stage. But when I was, despite your joke, alcohol wasn't it - I'm not a big drinker. I think my coping mechanisms were/are:
- research - what I know and understand abouthurts me less
- my blog - ranting gets it out of my system
- not letting ppl off the hook - mostly I was open about infertility and told ppl when they were being insensitive
- comfort eating (not v healthy, I know, but there you go).

Interesting topic. Thanks for getting me thinking.

BigP's Heather said...

Well, you already said alcohol - so what about chocolate and cigars?

Blogging has helped me tremendously! Being able to "talk" with other people who totally get where I am coming from. It is so nice.

But, I do think we are all actresses to some extent. I think we have to be.

JJ said...

Singing my heart out in my car/shower/house (when Mook doesnt have to listen to me sing the same song over and over) it really lets me express my emotion in a way that is personal, and healing for me.
Booze is gooooood=)

Heather said...

I don't know if I count either, as I do have a six year old DD, but as she's a product of ovulation induction/IUI, and nothing worked since having her, I cope with the following:

- research into holistic therapies
- believing in my current acupuncturist (he's my second)
- blogging (including reading everyone else's)
- taking care of my house and family (I try to appreciate what I do have)

cat said...

This would be past tense I suppose.

Pills, Therapy, Blogging.


Hey a girls gotta have a few vices.


You are pretty funny chica.

Anonymous said...

How do I cope?

Recently, I found out we're at the end of our 3-year journey. I have premature ovarian failure, it turns out, on top of PCOS.

I blog. I throw myself into my photography. I take time for myself - to sleep a bit more than usual, to take a bath, to watch a sad movie, to watch a funny movie. I get a massage every so often. I talk to a wonderful woman who works out of the Ottawa Fertility Centre who is a reproductive health psychologist. I do yoga.

kidsquared.livejournal.com

wifethereof said...

1. Being snarky and sarcastic
2. Therapy
3. Anti-depressants
4. Reading your blog and others
5. Hanging out with my funny husband
6. Writing my own blog
7. French Fries

Anonymous said...

I honestly think reading blogs and reading books has helped me cope. It's such a weird roller coaster of emotions, and it sucks, but when everyone else is having babies easily it's good to talk to other people who understand what it feels like.

nancy said...

I am trying something new. Roller Derby.

It's one heck of a way to get out my anger - that's for sure.

~Denise~ said...

Wow, what a nice surprise to pop by and see my name and your thoughts on my reply. ;)

There were plenty of the doom & gloom moments. I learned a lesson since I had my daughter in 2003, and I've tried to live that lesson each day. I developed HELLP with her and delivered 5 weeks early. I was bitter for a while as I blamed myself and was just plain angry. It made us appreciate all we had been through so much more than we ever imagined. The anger was (and still comes to visit) there throughout the next 4 years, but one day I had a revelation. I could choose how to look at my experiences. I could become this angry bitter person who didn't enjoy my children in the way I could, or I could be thankful for my experiences. I chose to be thankful.

Infertility and pregnancy complications suck. But they have made me the person I am today. I have met some incredible people, learned more about myself and my relationship with my husband, family, & friends. I have gained knowledge in cervical mucas, placentas, etc. Things I never thought I'd learn about.

The day to day, month to month coping of infertility is hard. Having others who had experienced it to talk with helped me tremendously. I had friends who had gone through it before we attempted pregnancy, and thought I was supportive. But after going through it myself, I realized unless you've been there, there is an ache in your heart that others cannot comprehend.

And so, while we may share some of our heartache, we do put on the mask and act like we are devasted in front of our audience.

Much love to you and all the other women out there waiting for that little pink line.