Tonight, I'll go to the 7pm Mass, as I do every year, and receive my ashes. I actually like this Mass-the reading about how to fast (basically, not to make a big production about it, like some do) is one of my favorites-plus, I'm in the choir and we're singing some cool stuff tonight. So, I've been thinking of what should be my Lenten Sacrifice for the year, and I've come up with this:
I'm giving up infertility for Lent.
Now, mind you, there are some things about that concept that I realize that I can't give up or change-you know, the non-working Fallopian tubes, but there are some things that I can do without. Here's a short list:
1. Worrying about whether I should eat/drink/go somewhere because I "might be pregnant". I have a better chance of going out on the Garden State Parkway and getting hit by a bus full of old-timers on the way to AC then getting pregnant on my own.
2. Timing sex-really, what a frickin' killjoy that is!
3. Charting my temperatures, peeing on ovulation sticks and checking for fertile cervical mucus (sorry if TMI, but it is necessary to do if you're TTC)-it's not going to make much of a difference, and I'd honestly rather sleep in a bit than stick a thermometer in my mouth at 6 am.
4. Not having to explain to friends/family members why Sean and I don't have children yet, and either see the pitying looks or hear about how their friend's-cousin's-mother-in-law's-sister went through IVF and had horrid complications. I know they mean well and are concerned, but it isn't going to change the fact that this is horrible for us, and that we're still doing it, regardless.
5. Feeling intense anger and jealousy when I hear that yet another friend/coworker/family member is pregnant-I am happy for them, but why are they allowed to achieve what I so desperately want with such ease? I want to run up to them and shake them, tell them not to take it for granted, that they could easily be me, infertile, childless.
So, we are moving onward through these forty days of Lent, and forward to Easter-a time for renewal, change and rebirth. Hopefully that will mean for me as well, both figuratively and literally. It's a time to start again.