Tuesday, May 09, 2006

34 Times (Cycle) Day One Equals......

$35,924.17. Which is the estimated back-rent that fucking bitch Aunt Flo owes me for her monthly stay in my uterine penthouse and trashing the joint. She's lucky that I don't charge her for the cleaning supplies and equipment. Tampons don't just grow on trees, dontcha know.......

By the way, thanks for the responses on the last post. I truly hope I didn't offend anyone....and, Pamplemouse, you weren't being harsh. Everyone has an opinion, and oftentimes telling it like it is shows us another point of view that we wouldn't ordinarily see-so, thank you for showing me your views.


So, today is Cycle Day One. Again. For 34th time, according to Futility Friend. Not that I'm keeping track or anything. I called Dr. Petite's admin this morning to announce the Red Tidings of Joy, and was then transferred to our awesome Coordinator, where I left a message. She called me back this afternoon to tell me that, since our checklist is completed, we will be meeting our nurse on Thursday, when we go in for both our IVF Orientation and Sean's Penile Spank-a-palooza 2006 (fortunately, for us, not at the same location-that would be just, well weird). Then, I get a call from our Nurse, who said that she wants me in on CD3 for a bloodletting and a Ride on the Wand of Follicular Fun (aka the Dildocam-in a sick and demented way, I kinda missed that....not....)-which conveniently happens to be-Thursday. The same day we have to be there for the Spankapalooza/Drug Fest-yay! It's guaranteed to be a fun-filled day for all involved.

If the tests clear me, I'll be starting the Pill for 10 days, then I'll overlap with the Lupron starting on Day 21. I've never taken them along with a cycle before, and I haven't been on the Pill since, well, just about 4 years ago, and I'm not looking forward to having to start taking them again. But, if this works, I won't care. Whatever it takes.

So, in other fertility news, it looks that I am, ultimately, the last person from my original Buddy Group that is without a child. And, I am truly, absolutely happy for my friend-she's been through hell and back and is finally pregnant-but sad too. I hate being the last one for anything-it just reinforces my feelings of that fucking biological clock ticking away inside my head. And, I can say that here, even though I know she reads my blog, because she understands where I'm coming from and knows that I'm not being an asshole (at least, I hope so). I just never thought that I would be the last one standing. Then again, I never thought that I'd have to do any type of fertility treatments, either. It's all just so fucked up, isn't it? I have no faith anymore that I can count on my body to know what it's supposed to do.

I've just been sort of resigned to this next cycle. I don't want to even discuss it with other people (aside from here). I just don't want the questions, the waiting on bated breath attitude from family members. I definitely want to do this, but it feels like I'm disconnected emotionally from it all. Perhaps it's because that lately, all I've been thinking about is, if things had worked out better, I'd have a three week old child at this time. And, it makes me angry and sad and bitter at myself. I mean, I was a mother, right? Even if it was for only 6 weeks or so? Does it count? To some people, yes-to me, it does. To others, well.........probably not. And, well, fuck them-preferably with a dirty, rusty butter knife, as far as I'm concerned.

I guess these emotions are all coming to a head with the imminent arrival to the Infertile Woman's Shittiest Holiday of the Year-Mother's Day. Every year, at our church, the priest asks all the mothers in the congregation to stand for a special blessing, and, every year, I slump down into my seat, ashamed that, for yet another year, I have no babies or swelling belly. Like my slightly flabby stomach (from too many damn Girl Scout Cookies) is an advertisement of my failure. Again.

So, this year, where do I belong? I really, truly hope and pray that this time, next year, the answer will be obviously, glaringly clear to everyone. Me included.

8 comments:

Crystal said...

I too, am the last hold out of my BG. Totally sucks, but on one hand I get to see how they went through labor and are dealing with their kids. It's intersting to see women who got pregnant so easiliy and how they interact with their lives and children. I mean, some women expect that since they had a child so easily, that the baby would sleep easily, eat on schedule and overall never be an angry baby. Yikes.

Thalia said...

I'm glad you're getting started again, I've somehow managed to get a couple of months ahead of you. Of course in a couple of days I might be behind you again.

I hope all goes well tomorrow.

cat said...

Will be thinking of you guys and sending you many good wishes tomorrow for a positive start to this new cycle.

It does suck. Every little bit of it and none of it has been fair in any way. My deepest hope is that you will be looking back at it all very soon and leaving those shitty things in the past where they belong. *hugs*

Shelli said...

I pray the same, darlin.

Crossing every thing everywhere for you.

Alli said...

Good luck this cycle - Day 1 sucks!

Watson said...

I definitely feel your pain over yet another CD1, and the looming Mother's Day holiday. I am right there with ya! I am also not telling friends and family we're back on the Infertility Ride from Hell, I blab about it on my blog but just can't take the constant reporting of bad news.
I hope things get better for you -- best of luck.

Betty said...

Taking a ride on the wand of follicular fun- he he he you certainly have a way with words! I'm going to think of that every time I go to visit Mr.Dildohead now.
I hear where you are coming from. I am almost the last and I hate it. I am missing out on so much and I have to work hard at not being bitter and twisted about it. I agree with Crystal though, at least we get to observe and learn for when it is our turn!
Good luck with everything lovie.

ilyse said...

S- I am so sorry to have left you in that situation, I know how much it hurts but it won't be for long. I just know it. Big important clinic will come through for you. I hope that all went well today.

PS- I don't think you are an asshole, so don't worry. I totally understand.

(((hugs)))