Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Bitter And Not Really Liking It.

Thank you, all of you out there on the 'Net, for your words of comfort. You get it, and I know that-you don't have to say anything more than "Shit, that sucks. Sorry" and I know that you truly understand. And, a special thanks goes out to Shelli-you're such a wonderful, giving, caring person, and I love you lots. LOTS!

I'm doing okay. I have moments that I'm so fucking angry that I want to scream and throw things (last night I looked at Sean and had the almost irresistable urge to punch him squarely in the face. Obviously I didn't do that, because then I'd be blogging from a prison common area rather than the comfort of my couch), alternating with times of just wanting to either cry, or hide and wait for the world to go away. I just want to wake up and it be nine years earlier, when I was younger, newly married and ignorant to infertility. Maybe if I knew then what I know now, I'd have made different decisions. But, shoulda coulda woulda, right?

Needless to say, it hasn't been fun. I go back to the RE next week to have the WTF conversation, along with a saline sonogram to make sure that everything has passed. We'll just have to wait until then to see what is the next suggestion. I'm thinking that she's going to suggest PGD, but I guess we won't know until Thursday. Unfortunately, since nothing was frozen, we'd have to start from scratch yet again. But, the real question du jour is this: do I want to do another cycle? Right now I can't even contemplate it, but if Dr. Pipsqueak feels strongly about doing another cycle and give me a good enough reason that we should, then maybe. Maybe doing PGD will help-at the least, it will lower the miscarriage rate due to the fact that we'd be transferring embryos that are chromosomally normal (that is, assuming that we'd have enough to transfer-I've learned the hard way that nothing is guaranteed with IVF). I've had every test under the sun to see if there's another underlying problem that's causing both the implantation failure and chemicals, and they've all come back as normal. So, what the fuck is the problem?

To say that Sean and I are both miserable fucks is putting it mildly. This hit us both really hard, especially since it was such a great cycle in the sense that we had great stats with my retrieval/fertilization rates, I didn't over respond, and we had so many blasts. It doesn't help that most people can't really fathom what we're going through, unless they've been through it themselves. And, even then, once they've made it through to the "other side" it's like a distant memory and they can't really relate. I also can't help feeling that every time, EVERY TIME we do this, something fucked up happens and it doesn't work, although it does for someone else. We're pregnancy magnets! Seriously! Unfortunately, the magnet also seems to repel any success for us. I can trace every single one of our friends children, with the exception of one, to a failed IVF or FET cycle, or a miscarriage. That's a lot of babies, people. And, yeah, perhaps it's negative thinking on my part (as was recently suggested to me), but it's also the truth. I'm the only one of my friends (excepting one couple who decided to be childfree) who doesn't have children. Hell, I'm the only one left from my original Fertility Friend group, from my bloglist. I'm the Last Woman Standing, and not by choice. I didn't do it to myself-no amount of negative or positive thinking, acupuncture, herbs, eating right, eliminating caffeine, meditation, tarot readings, praying to Saints, Guardian Angels, God/Allah/Buddha/The Flying Spaghetti Monster
has made this work for us. Oh, I guess statistically, it DID work, twice-it just didn't stick around long enough to grow into a baby who would later ask mommy to buy eyeliner and ask for the car keys. And I do realize that it's farther than some people have gotten in their reproductive treatment. But, dammit, I want it to be MY turn. Not my brother's, not my friend's or even the woman who's been sitting next to me for two weeks in the clinic waiting room. Yes, it's selfish and immature, but I think that I'm allowed to be bitter and angry and selfish and immature-sounding about it. I've been doing this long enough to be entitled to my feelings.

My feelings are really the only tangible thing that I have right now.

34 comments:

Marla.z said...

You have a right to be bitter - no question there. It blows big-ass gorilla balls.

Elizabeth said...

It sucks so bad. I'm sorry.

Shelli said...

there's nothing selfish and immature. You've been through a fucking lot.

a LOT.

And it's not fair.

love you too.

Amy said...

You have every right to your feelings. I have had the exact same ones after each failed IVF. It totally sucks. There's no way to sugar coat it. I'm sorry. Totally unfair.

Erin said...

We had PGD on our 4th cycle. 99% of our embryos were "normal". I would recommend doing is just to get some answers. Unfortunately we've done a fresh and a frozen cycle since then with no success, but it ruled out some things. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Your feelings are completely valid. You are going through a really tough time right now. And you are 100 percent right to say that no one understands unless they have actually been through it. I can empathize with you. You realize that friends and family care and try to be as supportive as possible but they just can't even begin to fathom what you feel. But stay strong and don't lose hope. The battle is not lost. (RW)

Lin said...

You are definitely allowed! It sucks! I'm so sorry!

Anna said...

Of course you have a right to be angry and bitter - it's a natural reaction and you should experience it instead of repressing it.

I am truly sorry. It's easy to have faith when things are going your way. I'm not ashamed to admit that I pretty much lost mine when every cycle was sucking. It's a horrible, hopeless place to be in. I do so hope and pray that one day, this will be only a memory; that you'll tell someone that it was all worth it. I don't know if that will ever happen, but it will remain my wish for you and Sean.

Yumikid said...

Suggestion: go to a cheapo second hand store. Buy a bunch of cheap dishes. Go into the woods with your man and hurl the dishes at the trees. Seriously.

This sucks so much, and I'm so sorry.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I think the bitterness is quite understandable considering how much this sucks. And I am sorry about that, sweetie.

Stephanie said...

I COMPLETELY understand. I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do. I hope good things are in your future.

Celia said...

I am so so sorry.

Journeywoman said...

i'm so sorry. This just sucks big ass monkey balls.

Delenn said...

[HUGS]

InfertileMadWoman said...

Awww... here from the LFCA. I know how you are feeling, I have had success, but then nothing. Just know that you aren't alone, and what you are feeling is very valid... I am just happy that you aren't blogging from prision. My last failure cost me a house phone, and an end table... DH was NOT amused since he was my intended target!!

Hugs,
Rebel

tootertotz said...

I'm terribly sorry. Sending you hugs and strength going forward in whatever direction you decide.

Infertile In the City said...

I so get it, I was the last woman standing in my bloglist several times, the last woman from fertility groups, and then losses and losses, it is so hard sometimes. Hang in there.

Lut C. said...

You have every reason to be bitter.

If you're going to do PGD, does that mean your doctor knows what they're looking for? Excuse me if you explained this before.

Alexicographer said...

I came over from LFCA and even without knowing your whole story ... but being an IFer myself and reasonable well-versed in the blogosphere ... um, it sounds like you are having a tough time of it in a world where having a tough time of it is no mean feat. That is, IF stinks but what you're going through stinks by stinky standards.

I'm so sorry. I hope you can find some chocolate or vodka or the perfect combination thereof or whatever your personal choice would be ...

namaste said...

My heart hurts for you. Not fair, not fair, not fair. Not fair. Really really not fair.

Anonymous said...

You have every right to feel the way you do...it SUCKS!!!! Yours was the first blog I found when I was researching IVF---your writing is heartfelt and brutally honest. It was comforting to me knowing that I was not alone.

Here's wishing, hoping, and praying you get your turn...you deserve it!

getting pregnant said...

wow reading this post I felt your pain and frustration. It sucks to fail at something you want so dearly but now all hope is gone. Look towards to the brighter days cause they are sure to come

me said...

I meant to say not all hope is gone.

Same boat said...

I know how you're feeling. Infertility fucking sucks! I have a blocked left tube, a uterus that's tilted to the left coz of suspected endo. I have just gone through another ivf cycle and am supposed to go in for my beta in 2 days but I have decided not to coz I am bleeding dark red blood. Fucking sux coz I never make it to beta. And I know what you mean by being a baby magnet coz everyone else around me are either getting pregnant or about to give birth.
Hang in there. I'm hoping we will both get pregnant one day.

Anne said...

i'm SO sorry!!!
life isn't always warm fuzzies and when shit sucks there's nothing wrong with facing that balls out- in fact i think it's quite inspirational.
good luck and keep writing and bitching all you want- not that you require my permission!
that's the whole point of these blogs right?

kelly said...

I truly know what you are feeling. I too have gone through 1 unsuccessfull iui and 2 unsuccessful ivf's resulting in chemical pregnancies. I go through crying spells and uncontrollable angry outbursts. This time I have reached out for help. I am seeing a therapist (before I rip all of the hair out of me fucking head)On another note, I have also done some research on a Dr. Allen Beer his theory is testing your immune system, totally different from your normal blood work with the RE. Google his name and check his theories out, you might find it interesting. I have a appt with one of his colleges as Dr. Beer passed away in 2006. Take care and good luck, please remember you are definetely NOT ALONE!!!

Kimmer said...

Well I would be sitting beside you if we didn't move on to adoption.I so understand what you are feeling and it does suck, and yes it is YOUR TURN. I'm so sorry about your mother also. I hope that she continues to improve. Very scary I can't imagine how you felt going through all of that.
You also have the right to be selfish, you've been through enough. Thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

I googled "Infertility Sucks" tonight because the last friend of mine from college that didn't have kids just got pregnant. Thanks for putting it out there how much infertiltiy sucks. I needed to hear someone elses voice saying it tonight. We've been at it four years and I want to punch, scream, etc. often. I really like what you said about negative thought/positive thought, diet, meditation, and everything else. I'm so tired of it being implied that it's some choice I've made. Thanks for saying it on a blog - it helps to read it.

Anonymous said...

If it helps I am right there with you. Bitter as hell. I think I am the last women standing on my side.

Infertility centre said...

I agree with your feelings..and ivfis not guaranteed.

Anonymous said...

Infertility does suck! You are not the last woman standing... i am right there beside you.

I am sorry about your mother.

You have every right to be frustrated and bitter...

Elisabeth said...

Hello!

My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: drhousewife.blogspot.com . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at UTInfertilityResearch@gmail.com .

Best of luck to you!
Elisabeth


Member of a married, heterosexual couple
Both you and your spouse are between the ages of 20 – 45
You do not have any biological or adopted children living in your home
You are not currently pregnant
Either you, your spouse, or both has received an infertility diagnosis
You have received treatment for infertility in the past six months, or plan to do so in the next six months
Both you and your partner are willing to participate & have access to the internet

jenrumley said...

I came to your sight through blog hopping and I don't think it was by accident. I am so sorry that your journey has been one of heart ache, disappointment, fear, unknown, and frustration. I fully understand the longing in your heart to be a parent, a desire that presses harder with time. I have a very long story of infertility, doctors, miscarriages, and recently last summer the loss of my second son to SIDS. I just wanted to encourage your heart today and tell you that there is hope even in the deepest despair and that you are not alone. I am here if you ever want to chat.

Mike Hussey said...

Doctors don't know what causes infertility in about half the cases in men, but think many men's infertility problems may be rooted in their genes.