Monday, January 17, 2011

Keeping the "Z" in Zen

I've been going to BIC every day now, since Thursday morning, which is great in the way that I feel like they're watching me closely to make sure that I get enough follicles to trigger, but not so good due to the fact that I have to go EVERY DAY for bloodwork and a dildocam. Which doesn't get more comfortable as the days go on.

When I mentioned this to the monitoring doc, she pointed out that, even though it's a pain, at least it's not the opposite issue, that I don't make enough. She's got a point-there's no sense bitching about it when there's plenty of people who would actually want to be in my situation.

It takes someone pointing out the obvious to you to put things in perspective.'s where we're at. I'll probably trigger Tuesday or Wednesday with ER being on Thursday or Friday, depending on what they see tomorrow. There's about 20 good-sized follicles chugging away in there, but they want the right side to catch up to the left, so we get the optimal amount. They seem to be really excited with how the stims are going-I'm only on 75 IU/day, which is NOTHING compared to the typical dosage is-and my estradiol is climbing nice and steadily, which is nice to know. I'm starting to get a little uncomfortable and I'm exhausted, so I'm just about ready for this part to be over.

It's weird, because even though you're injecting yourself with 2 needles a day for a few weeks, and you get headaches and bloated, tired and hormonal, I feel like this is the easiest part of the cycle. Everything is timed out and choreographed perfectly-you get into a sick sort of routine with the injections. It's the second half that's the bitch, because of the progesterone and the waiting to see if it worked (and then waiting to see if anything is viable, at least in my case). The Two Week Wait while taking Progesterone is not unlike standing on the edge of a high-dive at the community pool-you know, logically, that once you take the plunge there's no way that anything bad will really happen to you, but your body gets into that "fight or flight" mode and you're frozen with fear and can't take that first step into the unknown. Not to mention that you're probably naked up there and have to pee and you've got twenty kids screaming at you from the bottom to JUST HURRY THE HELL UP ALREADY. The 2WW, to me, is like a free-fall of anxiety and obsessiveness that, at least this time around, I cannot feed into, for my own sanity's sake...well, and Sean's too-he still hasn't patched up the hole I punched in the wall going up the stairs from the last cycle (stupid Progeste-rage). The only problem is, how do I put that into practice?

That's what I need to find out-to practice what I preach. I feel like I can't afford to let any anger, panic or anxiety in during this upcoming 2WW, like it's potentially poisonous to the outcome. I know realistically that it's not going to affect whether or not I get pregnant, but it seems like EVERY DAMN cycle I have something happen in that two week time period that causes me to lose control completely. Sean's not really a help in this, unfortunately-he has anxiety issues of his own that manifests itself, so me getting my Progeste-freak on just escalates into a group meltdown at our house, ending up with me breaking something and crying hysterically.

So, any suggestions? I'd be interested in anyone's thoughts or what they did to make the wait easier.


BigP's Heather said...

I stay as busy as possible. Make dates and go to on the phone and stroll through stores. Read a REALLY good book. Watch movies. Bathe the dog - whatever it takes. Go to bed exhausted so I don't lay there THINKING which lead me to obsessing...

Shelli said...

come and play in HARLEM, yo! Get some Smooshy Smoosh hugs - they say that baby energy is good for baby makin'!

And you know, take aspirin, drink carrot juice, do accupuncture, and all of that crap. And drink heavily, yo!

Lut C. said...

You're absolutely right, run-up to retrieval takes a lot of work but it has routine. The 2WW is just you with your emotions, almost.

Keep busy is the best advice, though more easily said than done.

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