Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Mixed reactions

I'm not sure whether I ever wrote about this or not, but while I was doing my IVF cycle, a friend/work colleague (let's call her "L") was as well-we were literally within days of each other in our cycles. She was diagnosed with "unexplained" infertility, but they found when she did her IVF that she had, at 29, the eggs of a 40 year old.

L told me yesterday afteroon that she got a positive pregnancy test. She didn't tell me right away as she didn't want me to feel badly, which was very sensitive of her-IF patients are, if nothing else, overly sensitive of others feelings.

I am happy for her, I really am. She deserves it. But, why then am I so sad and upset?

Because it's not me. I had those "perfect" embryos and nothing happened. She had shitty eggs and got pregnant. I've been trying to have a baby for almost three years now and am still trying in vain. She has what I so desperately want.

I was really starting to feel a bit better about my failed cycle. I was thinking that maybe those three blastocysts in the clinic freezer were meant to be there, that they were meant to be the ones that implant. Now I don't know what to think anymore. It just brought everything back with a vengance. Maybe I wasn't really over it after all-I was just putting a lid on my emotions.

Also, another colleague who had IF problems just gave birth today, and I got invitations a baby shower and two first-birthday parties for the next two Saturdays. I so do not want to see happy mothers and babies right now-it makes me want to punch something. I was even supposed to cantor the Mother's Day masses this weekend, and I had to switch with someone, because I can't deal with it right now. I'm not a mother, and there's a real possibility that I might never be one, so why have to sit through the priest asking all the mothers to stand for a special blessing? In fact, that was how I was sorta planning to tell people at church, if I had gotten pregnant-by standing for the blessing. Guess that aint' happening this year.......

Unfortunately, my parents 34th wedding anniversary is also this Sunday, which is Mother's Day, so I have to call them for that. But I'm not doing cards this year for anyone-I just can't. I think that I might vomit if I have to write them out.

So, am I an asshole for not going to any of these happy events? I feel slightly guilty, but I am afraid of how I'd react at these parties. I also don't want to deal with anyone's insensitive/ignorant comments and questions about my reproductive life, which inevitably happens at these types of things. I don't want to have a meltdown in public.

I just feel as if I'm walking a fine line with my sanity right now. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

1 comment:

Shelli said...

no, you're not an asshole. you are a human being with feelings, and are entitled to them.

don't forget that.