10dp3dt

BFN

Go fucking figure. Stop meds, wait for AF, rinse, repeat.

I hate my body.

That is all.

9dp3dt-When it Rains, it Pours

Yeah, yeah......still BFN......can't help myself. I've started cramping this afternoon, however, so who the hell knows what is going on.

However, we've been given some sad news last night. My 96 year old grandfather died last evening, in my grandmother's arms. He's been ill for a long time (a series of strokes, surviving stomach/esophagus cancer), but it was still a shock to get the call last night.

We've been frantically trying to figure out how the hell we're getting to Boston (and where we're staying) for the wake/funeral. Flights are fricking expensive as hell, and of course hotels aren't much better there (staying with relatives isn't an option, as they live in the North End). The services are set for Thursday and Friday. Thursday also happens to be beta day. I'm thinking of calling the RE's office to see if I can come in tomorrow for my beta instead-I'm not sure if one day or not will make a difference. We're probably not flying out until later Thursday morning, so I could feasibly still go to the RE's office. But, if it's a BFN, and I don't know about it, then I still have to travel with injection supplies on the plane, which would blow big time. Not to mention having to spill the beans to my parents, who didn't know we even did a cycle. Not really a good time to explain it all, is it?

So, as I mentioned, there's lots of things to arrange. It's keeping my mind off of whether or not any embryos are alive in there.

My grandfather isn't even my biological grandfather-my grandmother married him four or five years after her first husband (my dad's father) died. They were introduced by his sister, who was a friend of my grandmothers and lived in the same development in Florida. He married for the first time in his late 60's, and it was to my grandmother. He had no children. So, he got a ready-made family with us. And he always treated us as if we were his own. He bought me my first car, he made it possible for both my brother and I to go to whatever college we wanted to, debt-free. If we had wanted to go to law or medical school, he would have made it happen financially as well. Yes, he was extremely well-off, but he was the type of person who was generous and did it of his own free will, and with a glad heart. If it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't be where I am today. It's because of him that I went to Seton Hall, where I met Sean, where I got my degree and eventually went into education. So, you see, I owe him a lot. He was a wonderful man-he had a great sense of humor, with a thick "Nahth End" accent, intelligent as hell and loved having a good time.

I'll miss you, grandpa. Thank you for being who you were. You will be missed dearly.

8dp3dt

Still BFN. Yeah, I'm a bit of a glutton for punishment, aren't I?

Easter was okay-we had dinner at G&A's, with other friends, and had a blast (and awesome food, too). I went to bed last night with a slight headache that woke me up at 3:45 this morning, which Tylenol has subdued from blinding to a dull roar. I didn't get back to sleep until almost 6am (due to the headache and the slight nausea that accompanied it), then had to be up by 9am because I made an appointment with my GP for a physical (duh-what was I thinking??). So I got to sleep for a few hours this afternoon and now I feel sort-of human.

As for the "are we or aren't we" symptom front.....well, I was really crampy Friday and Saturday, then Sunday evening when I used the toilet there was a pink stain on the TP that had some EWCM-like substance in it (c'mon, doesn't EVERYONE check their TP obsessively during the 2WW like it's a treasure map? Or perhaps it's more like looking at one of those hologram paintings, where it changes as you walk past it...it's a fruit! It's an elephant!..). Now, nothing. The crappy headache is a new development-it's on my right side, in my eye, and running around my head to my neck, with a runny nose ONLY on the right side, so I'm assuming it's a sinus thing. Oh yeah, and my BOOBS-holy SHIT! They KILL right now! I don't remember them hurting this much before-it actually has woken me up in the middle of the night as I turn over in bed. It actually hurts to lie on my side in bed-it feels like there are two huge boulders under my skin. The only time they don't hurt is when they're firmly encased in my bra. Which I'm seriously considering wearing to sleep tonight to see if it will help. Ouch.

Let's not mention the usual chemically induced greasy hair, acne on my shoulders and back (another new one) and progester-rage. I've forgotten just how much fun this drug is. And, sick as it sounds, I'll gladly take it for another three weeks if the beta is positive. Sore ass and all-I'll have a big motherfucking smile on my face the whole. damn. time.

So....I have NO ideal what the hell is going on. I'm not scheduling anything past Thursday in relation to my PIO shots (Thursday is beta day), just because I'm a superstitious fool. Do I think I'm pregnant? Honestly, realistically....I don't know. In my heart there is this little voice that tells me not to give up just yet, that it's still waaay too early to know for sure. The only time I got a BFP on an Evil Pee Stick of Despair it was the day before my beta. I'm really trying not to obsess, but well...we've all been down that road before, right? I'm just trying to fill my time so that I'm unable to obsess too much.


More later-time to make dinner, and I'm starving-damn progesterone! You're ruining my diet! And, I've got a lovely loaf of good Italian bread that I got with our pasta dinner. Which I plan on devouring.

Infertility really really does suck.

7dp3dt

I took an Evil Pee Stick this morning.

Yes, I do know it's too early.

It was snow white. One line. No more trigger shot in my system.

Now the real waiting begins. The part that could be my undoing. The part that is the worst.

T minus 4 days until beta day.

That is all......

2dp3dt-Deja Vu

Well, here we are.....again......for the eighth (yep, I counted) time.

So, what have I been doing? Well, school lets out tomorrow, so with the short week I've been busy, not to mention the weekend at church (I have another rehearsal tomorrow night). I've been really good about sitting a lot, drinking water and taking it easy, but it's been hectic.

As for how I'm feeling.....well, pretty good. I'm bloated and want to eat everything in sight, but really, I'm amazed at how well I feel. I guess this is the norm with an IVF cycle, but for me, it's nothing short of amazing. I remarked to Sean last night that the last cycle we actually had with a fresh transfer was over two and a half years ago, which is mind-blowing to me.

I am still a bit crampy-it's more obvious when my bladder is full, but I'm not sure as to whether or not this is normal (I'm assuming it's from the progesterone, that rat-bastard). My ovaries seem to have calmed down, and I can't feel them like I did the first few days after the retrieval. I go in for a hormone check tomorrow morning, then I've got a week to go until beta day. I also have to find out if the four embryos left were able to be frozen or not.

I've also been going to my acupuncture appointments-I had one this afternoon, and one Thursday, and I think that it's really helping me relax more. She's been treating me as if I'm already pregnant, so nothing in the belly, but in my ears, legs, inside of the wrists, in bewteen the eyes (!) and in my scalp. It didn't hurt, and I even got to take a little nap while on the table. I think, no matter what the outcome, I'll still continue with acupuncture-I've found that I actually like it.

Then again, I'm also having a two and a half inch needle shoved in my ass every night, so what the hell do I know.

A Nice Surprise

Just got home from the transfer. We transferred in three great looking embryos-one 7-celled and two 8-celled. Both the Dr. Smiley and the embryologist (who also happens to be her husband) both feel that they were really nice, so now we hunker down to wait.

The surprise came when Dr. Smiley came back to see us before the transfer, to tell us that, although we were told on Friday that we only had 5 embryos fertilize, they were surprised to find yesterday that two more decided to fertilize. They're slow growing, but are looking okay. So, we've got 4 that they're watching, and will possibly freeze........let's hope so.

Let the waiting begin.

Perhaps, I SHOULD have worried.....*updated*

Just got the call, from Dr. Pipsqueak herself.

5 fertilized. Only 5. They're recommending that I transfer 3 embryos. She said that it "looks good, but it's still early". There is a chance that I'll have a 5 day transfer, but I won't know until Sunday morning (the day of what would be the 3 day transfer).

Fuck.

Why do I get the feeling that this is going to TOTALLY suck? Why can't something go my way, for once in my life?

Fuck.

*************************

Transfer is set for Sunday at 12pm (also known around these parts as "high noon"). I'm to be at the surgery center at 11am with my big-ass bottle of water and ready for anything. If it ends up being a 5 day transfer, they'll call me on Sunday morning......nothing like waiting until the last minute, huh?

Of course, that means that I'm not singing the last two Masses on Palm Sunday....oh, well.....priorities, you know.....

ER

Perhaps I shouldn't have worried.

24 eggs retrieved. As to how many are actually mature and have fertilized, we'll find out tomorrow.

It would be nice if I were able to make it to a 5 day transfer, wouldn't it?

I feel pretty good-sore, but not really bloated. No bleeding. Hey, is this what it's supposed to feel like when you're not hyperstimulated? What a frickin' concept. I'm still drinking a shitload, just to hedge my bets.

Okay, back to bed......more news (hopefully) tomorrow.

Day 9...Hoo Boy....

Nurse Blondie's instructions for tonight, as follows:

Take HCG trigger (10,000iu) tonight promptly at 10pm, come in for monitoring tomorrow, then be at the surgery center at 8am Thursday.

We're on our way. To say that I'm scared shitless is an understatement.

Today's wanding showed my lead follicles at 18mm, with the rest hanging out at 15-17, and the smallest ones at less than 10mm. So, there seems to be enough follicles for ER-hopefully they will be mature eggs, though. My E2 jumped up from 1400 to 2000 (from Sunday to Monday), so I'm to assume that today's numbers were over 2000. I was told with the last cycle that they won't do a transfer with any numbers over 4000, due to the OHSS risk, so I guess I'll know tomorrow what the final count is.

Please God, let there be enough eggs that are good this time. Also, not bloating up like a watermelon and feeling miserable would be a bonus, too.

Please please please let this work out.

Stims, day 8-Brewing Follies

And, on today's episode of "Follicularly Yours".....

Watch as S goes AGAIN for morning monitoring to be told that her E2 has risen from 400 to 1400 in a matter of two days, and has her Follistim lowered yet again from 75iu to 50iu....

Yep, today's date with the dildocam showed a buttload of nicely brewing follicles-the largest being 15-16mm, a whole bunch measuring 12-13mm, and the rest measuring <10mm. Dr Smiley is doing monitoring this week (I so totally love her in a non-romantic way!), and she mentioned that we'll probably have the retrieval being from Friday to Sunday, depending on when we trigger. I'm hoping that it'll be earlier rather than later, because I'm supposed to sing the WHOLE DAMN WEEKEND for Palm Sunday, and it'll totally suck to have to get a sub. I have the feeling that it will be earlier, given the phone call from Nurse Blondie telling met to lower my dose, rinse, repeat, and see ya tomorrow in the clinic. The other plus is that Dr. Smiley will be doing my retrieval (YAY!), which is cool (as cool as someone sticking a 12" needle through your cooter into your ovaries to suck eggs out of your body can possibly be, I suppose). I'm actually feeling pretty good, which is a definite change from past cycles. Usually, at this point I'm a bloated, hormonal, uncomfortable mess, so I consider this a definite improvement already. I'm just praying that my E2 doesn't start to get out of control, but I have faith that the RE's are on top of the whole situation. Hey, did I mention that I'm going to do acupuncture again? Yah, except this time it's not with a blind acupuncturist (not that there's anything wrong with that, btw.....okay, it DOES sound a bit odd, doesn't it?)-the hospital affiliated with Big Important Clinic has an outpatient center that has, along with the usual mammograms and MRI's, an alternative wellness center. They work with a lot of BIC's patients who are going through IF treatment, and will work around the transfer times to make sure that you get your treatments in. They seemed very nice on the phone, and I go tomorrow afternoon for my consult. Hey, if anything it'll relax me a little bit, so I'm up for anything at this point.

So, about the whole PCOS thing..... I am planning to speak to the RE's about either getting further testing or going on Metformin-everything I've been reading is indicating that taking Met not only improves IF treatment success, but helps in possibly preventing miscarriage. If I'm lucky enough to get knocked up this time around I'd like to hedge my bets, if possible (and, if it's needed). It's a lot to process, really, but in a lot of ways it makes a lot of sense. Perhaps it's the "missing link" for us...who the hell knows. As long as it gets me pregnant (and keeps me that way), that's the important thing, right?

Stims, Day 7-Slow and Steady Wins the Race?

I've been staying on my 100iu of Follistim/10iu of Lupron for the past six nights. At my monitoring appointment this morning, after seeing my follicle count (three or four at 15mm, then a shitload less than 10) and being told that I'm to be seen daily from this point on, I asked how my E2 levels looked. Dr. C told me that it was over 400, which she was happy about, but she knew that this is the part of my cycle where my E2 levels start to take off, so she wants to be very cautious from this point on.

She must have made an accurate prediction, since the call from the nurse informed me that I need to reduce my Follistim to 75iu, stay on the same dose of Lupron, and that they'd see me in the office tomorrow morning.

Now, I did ask her this past week about the PCOS comment she made at my suppression check, and had a VERY interesting conversation. Apparently, I'm on the "PCOS spectrum", as far as BIC is concerned. I may get AF every month, however, my cycles tend to be on the longer side, I have gained weight that has seemed to collect around my midsection, have had some hair grow in odd places since I stopped birth control almost six years ago, the acne, and my ovaries present in a "classic" polycystic pattern (called PCO-polycystic ovaries), especially when stimmed (like now). Great, right? So, I asked her why nobody has ever explained this to me in the gazillion years we've been TTC, and she said that, with PCOS, not everyone has the "classic" signs of PCOS-you can have a few of the symptoms that could easily be explained away by other things. Unfortunately, for me, my ovaries and the way they react to Lupron and FSH are the main sign-my ovaries kind of looked like this at my supression check.

It freaks me out that, after all this time, my shitty ovaries are part (perhaps a BIG part) of the problem. It's looking like it ain't my shitty tube that's the issue, but my ovaries going haywire. I'm trying to get as much information about PCO as I can. It does make sense to me, though, so I'm not disagreeing with it at the moment.

I'm just hoping that this doesn't get all fucked up-that this cycle will be the right ingredients of science and luck. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Let's hope so.

Who Says Drugs Aren't Fun?

Yesterday I began my Follistim shots (100 iu), and HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT, I totally forgot how much they sting! Yah, it was like a shock as I was injecting it, and you could hear the "owowowowowowow this FUCKING HURTS" from around the corner last evening. It makes the Lupron look like a piece of cake.

So, I got up at the BUTT CRACK of dawn yesterday to be at BIC (sign in time was 5:58 am) to be drained of a vial of blood and a turn at the dildocam. The doctor on monitoring yesterday morning had an ultrasound tech with her for (what I'm assuming) is training, and as I'm getting violated probed, the RE indicated my Lupron-shrunken ovary and casually says, "And here you can see the classic PCOS follicle formation...." Uh....what? PCOS? I don't HAVE PCOS! At least, nobody told ME that I have PCOS! So now I'm having a mini-panic attack and will have to address it with her tomorrow at my first follicle check.

Okay, so........can we talk about how much the Lupron SUCKS this time around? I mean, really REALLY blows big monkey chunks? I was on 20 iu to start (I dropped to 10 as of last night) and wow....I really got the side effects this time around, especially the headaches. Luckily, last week's bout with the flu masked them for the week, but.....it feels like my head is in a vice ALL THE DAMN TIME. The Tylenol that I'm taking is doing absolutely nothing for it, either, and that (and Sudafed) is basically the only thing I can take at this point. I'm starting to think that the only cure for this is to repeatedly bash my head against a wall (taking a running start, of course), but then I'd have to explain the bruises and then Sean could possibly look like a wife-beater, and then I'd have to bail him out......you know the scene. I remarked on the Lupron Suckfest to Nurse Blondie yesterday afternoon when she called to give me the go-ahead on the FolliSTING, and she said that it would "get better soon"........well, WHEN!?! ARRRGH.

Oh, yeah.....I'm also having random moments of complete insanity mood swings as well, which is super fun for Sean. He's taken to tiptoeing around the house and rarely speaking above a whisper when around me, which is starting to make me feel like I have some incurable disease and annoys me even more. And the GAS..............let's just say that, thanks to me, we've been saving on heating costs the past two weeks. I'm also afraid to turn on the stove due to a gas explosion.

It should get better, right? I don't remember it being this bad. I'm chalking it up to the larger doses of Lupron, but I'm going to lose it if I have to feel like this for the next 7-10 days.

Hopefully it'll get better......soon....