BFN. Again.
Dr. P made the phone call-she seems just as frustrated as we are right now. The team will meet within the next two weeks to discuss the cycle and hopefully see if there are any answers they can give us.
At least she and I are on the same page-that there is something, some freak-ass thing that a doctor might see once in a lifetime, going on. We've had two healthy cycles using my own eggs via PGD and a donor cycle that failed-there's got to be something that everyone's missing. Hopefully they'll find out.
That is all. I'm going to order a Mega-Sushi platter and get drunk as fuck until AF shows up. I guess I'll post more as I hear it.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
9dp4dt-Redux, Redux
I've been peeing on sticks since Wednesday. All BFN. I thought that I saw a glimmer of a line, reaaaally faint on one type of them (why yes, I bought several brands-the FRER, the generic one with the one line/circle window, the plus/minus-the round window ones were showing the faint line) but I think that it's an evap line.
I caved and did a digital this morning-which says "not pregnant".
So....we'll go in for the bloodwork tomorrow for shits and giggles, but I really think I'm out. Again. And again.
I just don't know what to think anymore, except that perhaps being a family of two is the best we'll get at this point. It's obvious my eggs are shit, so they won't be trying that again. DEIVF didn't exactly work for us either, although I do think that perhaps it was the donor we chose (she only had one successful cycle out of the three she did). Our clinic now partners with a donor egg bank which reduces the cost, but we've learned nothing is guaranteed-what's there to say that it would work?
We've had every test under the sun, everything else is considered normal. For some reason those fucking embryos don't make it once they're transferred, which makes me feel even more pleased with my body-can't make good eggs, and certainly can't get them to implant. I just feel like having everything removed just so I don't have to be reminded monthly of the fact that my body can't do what it's designed to do.
Let's not mention the fact that I'm less than two months away from the Big Milestone Birthday. Honestly, how much longer can I keep doing this? Do I really want to be the oldest mother in the class? Isn't that a bit selfish?
Like I said, I really don't know what to think, or even WANT to think at this point.
I'm just too damn tired.
I caved and did a digital this morning-which says "not pregnant".
So....we'll go in for the bloodwork tomorrow for shits and giggles, but I really think I'm out. Again. And again.
I just don't know what to think anymore, except that perhaps being a family of two is the best we'll get at this point. It's obvious my eggs are shit, so they won't be trying that again. DEIVF didn't exactly work for us either, although I do think that perhaps it was the donor we chose (she only had one successful cycle out of the three she did). Our clinic now partners with a donor egg bank which reduces the cost, but we've learned nothing is guaranteed-what's there to say that it would work?
We've had every test under the sun, everything else is considered normal. For some reason those fucking embryos don't make it once they're transferred, which makes me feel even more pleased with my body-can't make good eggs, and certainly can't get them to implant. I just feel like having everything removed just so I don't have to be reminded monthly of the fact that my body can't do what it's designed to do.
Let's not mention the fact that I'm less than two months away from the Big Milestone Birthday. Honestly, how much longer can I keep doing this? Do I really want to be the oldest mother in the class? Isn't that a bit selfish?
Like I said, I really don't know what to think, or even WANT to think at this point.
I'm just too damn tired.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
6dp4dt-Haven't I Seen This Movie Before?
Thanks everyone for the good ju-ju! And, I do apologize for not posting my usual post-transfer countdown, but, well.....there's not a whole lot to report, really. Here's the short-form version:
1dp (Thurs)-was a lazy ass all day on the couch. A little brown spotting, no cramps.
2dp (Fri)-continued the lazy-ass theme. I did go out and went to the mall and bought the CUTEST dress. Sean had a haircut after work and we went out for dinner. Still a little brown spotting, but nothing major, just on the TP.
3dp (Sat)-went for a bloodletting, then breakfast, then Costco. Made brownies. Went to a BBQ at the MIL's and ate WAAAAY too much food. Slept in the chair due to food coma. A little "full-feeling" and bloated, but nothing major in the way of side effects. Nurse called and bloodwork looks great-progesterone is over 40.
4dp (Sun)-Church, where our friend Priesty Boy is posted. He gave us the surreptitious sign of the cross "down low" as he put it, for the good ju-ju. Went to a farmer's market afterwards, came home and took a power nap, had dinner. Very tired-couldn't make it to 10 for my RHONJ addiction (I KNOW....don't judge me!). Still spotting, nothing major, still brown and only on the TP. A couple of ovary twinges, but that could be because they're settling down after retrieval.
5dp (Mon)-Tired, bloated belly, occasional twinges, and sore, heavy feeling boobs-thanks, progesterone! A little grumpy
6dp (Tues-today)-same symptoms, still brown spotting at times, blah blah blah.
As you can see, nothing to write home about.
Now, it's coming up to that time when we of the infertile world like to call "Pee Test Mania", which is an compulsion anyone who's been TTC for a good amount of time. We all rush out to our nearest pharmacy and pretty much buy out the Evil Pee Stick stock of whatever brand you like the best (or, you can be eclectic and buy a few of each) and then basically urinate on anything that has a litmus strip attached to it-there is a minority out there who do the pee-in-a-cup and dip routine-and then have a panic attack waiting to see if (1) the HCG trigger is tested out of your system or (2) the HPT is testing the "real" HCG your embryo is (hopefully) producing. If it's negative you either freak out/make bargains with God/dance naked at midnight holding a lighted candle, or it's positive and you freak thinking that the line isn't dark enough and you're going to end up with a chemical.
So, where am I in the process? Well, I DID buy the tests (2 boxes-one for each day, starting today) but I have yet to break them out. I know that this is going to sound out of character, and no pun intended, but I kinda don't have the urge yet. I'm not sure that it's because I'm a chickenshit, or that maybe it's because I don't want to start the roller coaster of emotions that I know will begin once I pee on that first stick, but I'm kind of "eh" about it right now. I've found that I'm not as overly anxious about this 2WW as I usually would be-it's not that I don't care about the outcome, but my attitude is so mellow right now that it's sort of creepy for me. I'm feeling like whatever is going to happen will, and no amount of urinating on plastic contraptions is going to change it, or make the results happen any sooner. I'm not sure if it's me separating myself from it so as to not get super-emotional about it, or if that's my true attitude on it all, but there it is. I'm sure I'll test eventually but I'm really not feeling the need to do it. Realistically, with one embryo at 10dpo the odds of anything being picked up isn't great, even with the sensitivity of the tests, so why unnecessarily stress myself out?
Now, the real question is....do I think that it worked? Who knows-progesterone is such a bitch in that it mimics all those pregnancy "symptoms" that would theoretically happen if you weren't on the meds. I really have no clue-there's no one thing that I can say I'm feeling that would point me in either direction. No weird dreams, no "signs" that I can see. I'm remaining hopeful, which is good, but I'm not really going to make myself crazy right now obsessing about it.
Perhaps that, in itself, is a "good sign". I'll update you on the HPT start date...oh, who am I kidding, it'll probably be tomorrow, but we'll see.
1dp (Thurs)-was a lazy ass all day on the couch. A little brown spotting, no cramps.
2dp (Fri)-continued the lazy-ass theme. I did go out and went to the mall and bought the CUTEST dress. Sean had a haircut after work and we went out for dinner. Still a little brown spotting, but nothing major, just on the TP.
3dp (Sat)-went for a bloodletting, then breakfast, then Costco. Made brownies. Went to a BBQ at the MIL's and ate WAAAAY too much food. Slept in the chair due to food coma. A little "full-feeling" and bloated, but nothing major in the way of side effects. Nurse called and bloodwork looks great-progesterone is over 40.
4dp (Sun)-Church, where our friend Priesty Boy is posted. He gave us the surreptitious sign of the cross "down low" as he put it, for the good ju-ju. Went to a farmer's market afterwards, came home and took a power nap, had dinner. Very tired-couldn't make it to 10 for my RHONJ addiction (I KNOW....don't judge me!). Still spotting, nothing major, still brown and only on the TP. A couple of ovary twinges, but that could be because they're settling down after retrieval.
5dp (Mon)-Tired, bloated belly, occasional twinges, and sore, heavy feeling boobs-thanks, progesterone! A little grumpy
6dp (Tues-today)-same symptoms, still brown spotting at times, blah blah blah.
As you can see, nothing to write home about.
Now, it's coming up to that time when we of the infertile world like to call "Pee Test Mania", which is an compulsion anyone who's been TTC for a good amount of time. We all rush out to our nearest pharmacy and pretty much buy out the Evil Pee Stick stock of whatever brand you like the best (or, you can be eclectic and buy a few of each) and then basically urinate on anything that has a litmus strip attached to it-there is a minority out there who do the pee-in-a-cup and dip routine-and then have a panic attack waiting to see if (1) the HCG trigger is tested out of your system or (2) the HPT is testing the "real" HCG your embryo is (hopefully) producing. If it's negative you either freak out/make bargains with God/dance naked at midnight holding a lighted candle, or it's positive and you freak thinking that the line isn't dark enough and you're going to end up with a chemical.
So, where am I in the process? Well, I DID buy the tests (2 boxes-one for each day, starting today) but I have yet to break them out. I know that this is going to sound out of character, and no pun intended, but I kinda don't have the urge yet. I'm not sure that it's because I'm a chickenshit, or that maybe it's because I don't want to start the roller coaster of emotions that I know will begin once I pee on that first stick, but I'm kind of "eh" about it right now. I've found that I'm not as overly anxious about this 2WW as I usually would be-it's not that I don't care about the outcome, but my attitude is so mellow right now that it's sort of creepy for me. I'm feeling like whatever is going to happen will, and no amount of urinating on plastic contraptions is going to change it, or make the results happen any sooner. I'm not sure if it's me separating myself from it so as to not get super-emotional about it, or if that's my true attitude on it all, but there it is. I'm sure I'll test eventually but I'm really not feeling the need to do it. Realistically, with one embryo at 10dpo the odds of anything being picked up isn't great, even with the sensitivity of the tests, so why unnecessarily stress myself out?
Now, the real question is....do I think that it worked? Who knows-progesterone is such a bitch in that it mimics all those pregnancy "symptoms" that would theoretically happen if you weren't on the meds. I really have no clue-there's no one thing that I can say I'm feeling that would point me in either direction. No weird dreams, no "signs" that I can see. I'm remaining hopeful, which is good, but I'm not really going to make myself crazy right now obsessing about it.
Perhaps that, in itself, is a "good sign". I'll update you on the HPT start date...oh, who am I kidding, it'll probably be tomorrow, but we'll see.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Settled In
Well, there was a transfer this afternoon-yay!
The downside (if there is one, I suppose), out of the 5 embryos tested, only one was normal.
Dr. Pipsqueak did the transfer today, which was a first for us throughout this journey-out of all the retrievals and transfers we've had, she's yet to do one. Even though there was only one, she seemed to be very excited about it-she said that it was a really good one and she was pleased at how it looked, and, more importantly, it was genetically healthy.
So.....we transferred a lovely morula. It looked like it was starting to compact a little, so it's hopefully well on its way to being a blast. Dr. P and the embryology staff told me in the OR that they all said a prayer to make sure that it was a good outcome, and I replied that Sean and I were going to ritually slaughter a goat in a pit we dug in our backyard and then dance naked around our fire pit. Not sure if they thought that I was serious or not, but hey, whatever works, right? Of course afterwards I got a little weepy and she gave me a big hug. I told her that no matter what the outcome of this is, I couldn't thank her enough for everything she's done for us. Even she got a little weepy at that, and it was at that point that I decided to christen the morula "Bobo". Because, well, why the hell not?
10 days to go until we know. Any prayers/positive vibes/juju/santeria chicken slaughtering that you're doing out there, please keep it up-it's definitely being felt by me right now, and I'm so grateful for all of your support. Y'all rock!
The downside (if there is one, I suppose), out of the 5 embryos tested, only one was normal.
Dr. Pipsqueak did the transfer today, which was a first for us throughout this journey-out of all the retrievals and transfers we've had, she's yet to do one. Even though there was only one, she seemed to be very excited about it-she said that it was a really good one and she was pleased at how it looked, and, more importantly, it was genetically healthy.
So.....we transferred a lovely morula. It looked like it was starting to compact a little, so it's hopefully well on its way to being a blast. Dr. P and the embryology staff told me in the OR that they all said a prayer to make sure that it was a good outcome, and I replied that Sean and I were going to ritually slaughter a goat in a pit we dug in our backyard and then dance naked around our fire pit. Not sure if they thought that I was serious or not, but hey, whatever works, right? Of course afterwards I got a little weepy and she gave me a big hug. I told her that no matter what the outcome of this is, I couldn't thank her enough for everything she's done for us. Even she got a little weepy at that, and it was at that point that I decided to christen the morula "Bobo". Because, well, why the hell not?
10 days to go until we know. Any prayers/positive vibes/juju/santeria chicken slaughtering that you're doing out there, please keep it up-it's definitely being felt by me right now, and I'm so grateful for all of your support. Y'all rock!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Doing the Math **UPDATED**
Okay.....got the fert report this morning:
12 eggs retrieved, 9 mature and fertilized and, as of this afternoon, 5 made it through the first round.
All in all, not too shabby for someone who's on the last 9 weeks of their thirties. Do I wish there were more? Sure, but perhaps in all of this that's a bit of a greedy thought-I keep thinking of that woman in the bed next to me who only had one retrieved-what's there to say that it was mature or able to be fertilized? Believe me.....I'm counting my blessings.
So....here's the game plan (as it's been explained to me):
They'll call me tomorrow in the afternoon to let me know how they're doing, and when the biopsies will be done. Depending on their status, the biopsy could be done on day 3 (Tuesday) with a transfer on day 4 (Wednesday). If they feel that they can make it to day 5 (Thursday), they will biopsy them then and freeze the normals for a FET next month-apparently they do this because, even though the company that does the testing is in the same town as BIC, they aren't guaranteed to get the results back in time for a day 6 transfer. Hey, whatevs-I'm just going to go with the process. Whether they do it this cycle or the next, it doesn't matter-what DOES matter is that they're normal, healthy embryos.
Hopefully we'll get two or even three out of this. Even though I am actually chill about this at this point in time, any good thoughts/prayers/white voodoo/offerings to the Flying Spaghetti Monster would be appreciated.
More (hopefully) later.
-------------
Got the call today-they're going to do the biopsy tomorrow, with transfer set for Wednesday at 1:15pm. Worse case scenario (which I think you can figure out), they'll call us Wednesday morning.
Here we go!
12 eggs retrieved, 9 mature and fertilized and, as of this afternoon, 5 made it through the first round.
All in all, not too shabby for someone who's on the last 9 weeks of their thirties. Do I wish there were more? Sure, but perhaps in all of this that's a bit of a greedy thought-I keep thinking of that woman in the bed next to me who only had one retrieved-what's there to say that it was mature or able to be fertilized? Believe me.....I'm counting my blessings.
So....here's the game plan (as it's been explained to me):
They'll call me tomorrow in the afternoon to let me know how they're doing, and when the biopsies will be done. Depending on their status, the biopsy could be done on day 3 (Tuesday) with a transfer on day 4 (Wednesday). If they feel that they can make it to day 5 (Thursday), they will biopsy them then and freeze the normals for a FET next month-apparently they do this because, even though the company that does the testing is in the same town as BIC, they aren't guaranteed to get the results back in time for a day 6 transfer. Hey, whatevs-I'm just going to go with the process. Whether they do it this cycle or the next, it doesn't matter-what DOES matter is that they're normal, healthy embryos.
Hopefully we'll get two or even three out of this. Even though I am actually chill about this at this point in time, any good thoughts/prayers/white voodoo/offerings to the Flying Spaghetti Monster would be appreciated.
More (hopefully) later.
-------------
Got the call today-they're going to do the biopsy tomorrow, with transfer set for Wednesday at 1:15pm. Worse case scenario (which I think you can figure out), they'll call us Wednesday morning.
Here we go!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
A Carton Full
Yup, retrieval is done and over with. Not a bad haul, despite there being a ton of smaller follicles that weren't developed yet.
12 eggs in all. Which I'm grateful for-they brought someone into post-op after me who only got 1. I really felt badly for her-it's every IF girl's worst nightmare.
So.....I'll update more tomorrow. As for me....back to bed and a Tylenol dosing, and I'll be just dandy in the morning.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
12 eggs in all. Which I'm grateful for-they brought someone into post-op after me who only got 1. I really felt badly for her-it's every IF girl's worst nightmare.
So.....I'll update more tomorrow. As for me....back to bed and a Tylenol dosing, and I'll be just dandy in the morning.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, August 09, 2012
Holy Crap.....
I'm taking the HCG trigger tonight, at 11:00. Retrieval is set for 9 am Saturday. No food or drink after midnight Friday. Jeez.....it's like I'm a fucking Gremlin. Oh, wait....I guess I am-considering that instead of dousing me with water in order to multiply, I'm going to have 10,000 IU of Novarel injected into my ass, and then have them sucked out of my body with a big-ass needle. I'll bet Chris Columbus didn't think of THAT scenario when he wrote the movie-and he's lucky as hell that if he did, PG-13 ratings wouldn't exist for like six more years.
In other words, thank GOD for conscious sedation-that's all I've got to say about THAT!
I was really expecting to stim one more day, because at today's wanding most of my follicles (about 20 that were measurable) were at 13-14 mm, with the largest being between 15-17mm. Nurse Blondie said that she was a little surprised, but that all four doctors in the practice looked at the numbers and thought that it was good enough to trigger.
So not ready for this, but it's too late-this is for realz now!
In other words, thank GOD for conscious sedation-that's all I've got to say about THAT!
I was really expecting to stim one more day, because at today's wanding most of my follicles (about 20 that were measurable) were at 13-14 mm, with the largest being between 15-17mm. Nurse Blondie said that she was a little surprised, but that all four doctors in the practice looked at the numbers and thought that it was good enough to trigger.
So not ready for this, but it's too late-this is for realz now!
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Percolating
So far, so good-we've got a bunch of good follicles (as to the number, to be honest I didn't keep count since there's still a bunch of little ones) bubbling away-the better growing ones seem to be on the right side as opposed to the left, but I've been assured that they should be able to catch up. I'm definitely starting to "feel" them now, as well as some achiness, so hopefully they're cooking away in there. I've told them to get a move-on, at least on the one side-this mama needs a good egg count!
What, you don't talk to your ovaries when you stim? Shame, shame....how do you expect them to work? Yeah, that's a lot like asking your cat to go fetch the remote from the kitchen counter because you're too lazy to get up and get it. Oh, you don't do that either? I guess that's just me....
(And please don't ask why I left the remote on the counter.......at least I didn't leave it in the fridge like I did the other day.)
As of yesterday, my E2 was at 785-not too snazzy for being on stims for five days and being an OHSS risk. I went back today for a turn at the wand and bloodwork, and I suppose from here on out I'll start every day monitoring until trigger.
The follicular fun has begun! I'm going for the Gold!
What, you don't talk to your ovaries when you stim? Shame, shame....how do you expect them to work? Yeah, that's a lot like asking your cat to go fetch the remote from the kitchen counter because you're too lazy to get up and get it. Oh, you don't do that either? I guess that's just me....
(And please don't ask why I left the remote on the counter.......at least I didn't leave it in the fridge like I did the other day.)
As of yesterday, my E2 was at 785-not too snazzy for being on stims for five days and being an OHSS risk. I went back today for a turn at the wand and bloodwork, and I suppose from here on out I'll start every day monitoring until trigger.
The follicular fun has begun! I'm going for the Gold!
Saturday, August 04, 2012
Fifty Shades Of Mood Swings
Ok, here we are-day 3 of stims. Or, what I like to term "OMGIWANTTOKILLEVERYONEWOWISITHOTINHEREIWANTTOCRYILOVEYOU"
So far, so-so. The Menopur is....uh, interesting. Mixing up the vial makes me feel all cool and scientific, as if I'm channeling my inner doctor, but the medicine stings WORSE than FolliSTING. Serrriously. Plus pushing in 1CC of it is a little daunting and freaks me out, but there's nothing I can do but grin (sting) and bear it. It makes the FolliSTING injection a breeze compared to the Menopur. Luckily I'm on a small dose of each (75IU-or one vial-of Menopur and 50IU of the Follistim) so it's not horrific. Of course the first day I hit a vessel with the Menopur, which was not welcome, but otherwise, it's been okay.
Mood swings are back in force. Holy SHIT....I was spoiled with the donor cycle because I completely blocked from my brain the mood swings and the edginess I feel on stims. Yesterday Sean was lucky that I didn't kill him, and being touched in any way, shape or form sets my teeth on edge-and I mean a simple hug makes me feel claustrophobic right now. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin, and it ain't gonna get any better. I'm going to assume that either it's the Menopur (which I've never taken) or I've had some sort of amnesia because I don't remember it being this bad before.
I also had to freeze my gym membership and training sessions, for this month, on advice from Nurse Blondie-with my history of OHSS, and the fact that without BIC paying for 90% of the cycle (I'll explain that in a minute), I'm not about to take any chances. The only sucky thing is that it's a stress release for me, so it would actually help in terms of the edgy feelings, but there's no point in paying for this month if I can't do a whole hell of a lot. It doesn't help that it's hotter than a witch's tit in an iron bra outside, so the few things I CAN do (walking) aren't exactly enticing right now. I do have some 10lb barbells so I might try to get something in. Hopefully the heat will break and then I can go for a walk in the park, or else I'm afraid that I'm going to end up staring at Sean in the middle of the night like that possessed chick from Paranormal Activity. How's THAT for a visual, folks?
Follicle check #1 tomorrow morning. Here's to hoping that there's a good batch brewing!
So far, so-so. The Menopur is....uh, interesting. Mixing up the vial makes me feel all cool and scientific, as if I'm channeling my inner doctor, but the medicine stings WORSE than FolliSTING. Serrriously. Plus pushing in 1CC of it is a little daunting and freaks me out, but there's nothing I can do but grin (sting) and bear it. It makes the FolliSTING injection a breeze compared to the Menopur. Luckily I'm on a small dose of each (75IU-or one vial-of Menopur and 50IU of the Follistim) so it's not horrific. Of course the first day I hit a vessel with the Menopur, which was not welcome, but otherwise, it's been okay.
Mood swings are back in force. Holy SHIT....I was spoiled with the donor cycle because I completely blocked from my brain the mood swings and the edginess I feel on stims. Yesterday Sean was lucky that I didn't kill him, and being touched in any way, shape or form sets my teeth on edge-and I mean a simple hug makes me feel claustrophobic right now. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin, and it ain't gonna get any better. I'm going to assume that either it's the Menopur (which I've never taken) or I've had some sort of amnesia because I don't remember it being this bad before.
I also had to freeze my gym membership and training sessions, for this month, on advice from Nurse Blondie-with my history of OHSS, and the fact that without BIC paying for 90% of the cycle (I'll explain that in a minute), I'm not about to take any chances. The only sucky thing is that it's a stress release for me, so it would actually help in terms of the edgy feelings, but there's no point in paying for this month if I can't do a whole hell of a lot. It doesn't help that it's hotter than a witch's tit in an iron bra outside, so the few things I CAN do (walking) aren't exactly enticing right now. I do have some 10lb barbells so I might try to get something in. Hopefully the heat will break and then I can go for a walk in the park, or else I'm afraid that I'm going to end up staring at Sean in the middle of the night like that possessed chick from Paranormal Activity. How's THAT for a visual, folks?
Follicle check #1 tomorrow morning. Here's to hoping that there's a good batch brewing!
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