Friday, August 24, 2012

9dp4dt-Redux, Redux

I've been peeing on sticks since Wednesday.  All BFN.  I thought that I saw a glimmer of a line, reaaaally faint on one type of them (why yes, I bought several brands-the FRER, the generic one with the one line/circle window, the plus/minus-the round window ones were showing the faint line) but I think that it's an evap line.

I caved and did a digital this morning-which says "not pregnant".

So....we'll go in for the bloodwork tomorrow for shits and giggles, but I really think I'm out.  Again. And again.

I just don't know what to think anymore, except that perhaps being a family of two is the best we'll get at this point.  It's obvious my eggs are shit, so they won't be trying that again.  DEIVF didn't exactly work for us either, although I do think that perhaps it was the donor we chose (she only had one successful cycle out of the three she did).  Our clinic now partners with a donor egg bank which reduces the cost, but we've learned nothing is guaranteed-what's there to say that it would work?

We've had every test under the sun, everything else is considered normal.  For some reason those fucking embryos don't make it once they're transferred, which makes me feel even more pleased with my body-can't make good eggs, and certainly can't get them to implant.  I just feel like having everything removed just so I don't have to be reminded monthly of the fact that my body can't do what it's designed to do.

Let's not mention the fact that I'm less than two months away from the Big Milestone Birthday.  Honestly, how much longer can I keep doing this?  Do I really want to be the oldest mother in the class?  Isn't that a bit selfish?

Like I said, I really don't know what to think, or even WANT to think at this point.

I'm just too damn tired.

10 comments:

Ms. J said...

No magic words, I won't try to make it better.

But I did wanna to stop by and acknowledge how you are feeling and remind you to be gentle with yourself, of possible. Treat yourself like you would a dear friend.

Hugs.

Sometimes said...

I am so very sorry.

Kate said...

Oh NO!!! I'm sorry.

Michele said...

It may be too early for the HCG hormone to register on the Home Pregnancy Test sticks.

You had a healthy embryo implanted. It doesn't give off the HCG levels of a multiple implant. Plus, maybe it took longer to implant.

I had a single embryo implanted with a 3 day transfer. Plus it was a little immature (but not in a bratty Adam Sandler way) when they retrieved it so they let it grow up a little before they fertilized it.

I had my blood test on 13dp3dt. If my math is correct, that means my singleton got to simmer in the oven for two more days than yours will when you have your blood test. Two days can make a difference. My beta number was 97. My doctor likes to see a range around 100, So I just made the cut. If I had tested with a HPT on 10dp3dt (equivalent to your 9dp4dt), I don't think the HCG level would show up on the stick.

I'm sending all the positive vibes you can absorb. :)

Take care and best wishes.

Anonymous said...

Sending you much love & strength - I'm currently in Dr waiting room for blood test after 2nd ivf but tested negative at home & can tell my period's on its way so this test is just a formality. I have rubbish egg quality. Hugs x

Shelli said...

Oh man....

Aisha said...

Be strong dear.When I am in such a situation , I remind myself that being a mother is not the only aim in my life. My prayers are with you.-Aisha

Anonymous said...

Praying the Lord completes your family and fulfills the desires of your heart. Praying for you...

infertilitydoessuck said...

I am so sorry!!!

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Egg Bank(s)