"I'd like a pony, a firetruck, peace on earth and goodwill....aw, fuck it, just gimme the pony..."

'Tis the Season......

Oh God, I'm already Holiday-ed out.......

I've been seeing holiday decorations in the malls since around Halloween time, people started putting out lights and decorations from Thanksgiving weekend, and my favorite radio station has been playing only holiday music for about four weeks now.

Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays, but there doesn't seem to be much to get excited for, when it's being shoved down your throat for the five weeks or so prior to Christmas. It kinda becomes a buzzkill, IMHO.

On a lighter note, the neighbors across the street has put out their annual light show on their front lawn. I'm not kidding you, they have these huge light displays, showing angels, a "moving" horse and carriage, snowmen and anything else they can fit there-people actually slow down on our street, come out of their cars and take pictures, etc........

I call it (fondly)......"Vegas".

I can only wonder at what their electric bill must be for the two weeks that it's all out......

Blatherings

Holy crap, it's cold as hell outside!!

I hate the cold weather.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like living in a part of our country that has a temperate climate, but shit, it ain't even December yet, give me a frickin' break, willya!?

Of course, half of the kids at school didn't have anything close to appropriate outerwear to play outside--and yes, they were outside today-the principal didn't seem to think that it was too cold (I think that the quote of the day was "they need to run and play"), but, then again, she didn't have to stand on the playground for 30 minutes in the cold Northeastern wind, either...

You'd think that their parents/guardians would have made sure that they were warm, but maybe that's just how I'd think, I guess....

On another front, my best friend and her husband are seperating after 5 years of marriage. It's hard to hear, because I hate to hear my friend's pain, and they also have a 3 year old daughter. I think that her husband's being an asshole, though-she's successful in her career and she's the go-getter type, and I think that he's really jealous. Of course, he's not jealous of the substantially large (larger than his) paycheck she brings home, which lets them have the nice $450k house, the vacations two and three times a year and the nice car. No, of course not! But, then he turns around and tells my friend that he thought that he was marrying a "wife and mother, not a career woman"--what the FUCK!? And, this from a 31 year old man! It's obvious that his mother was not the feminist type (ya think!?) but, really, how ridiculous is that?

He's a total ass. Maybe she's better off, who knows. Nobody wants their marriage to fail, though. It's all so fucking complicated. Makes me long for the days when we could worry over trivial things like whether or not this boy liked you, or what to get at the mall......

There's no doubt that my life ain't perfect, but I'm lucky that I've got someone in my life who likes and respects me for who I am, and doesn't want me to change in any way. Even if, God forbid, we can't have our own children (hopefully we will, but who knows whether we'll ever get off the island of infertility safe and sound), we still have each other. When I first found out that I was the one with the fertility issues, and I was so upset and depressed (well, more so than I am normally, I guess) he told me that he didn't marry me just because he wanted children, he married me because he loved me and wanted to be with me, and any kids would be an added blessing in our lives--what a sweetie, huh?

Time to go and snuggle in with the hubby, and let him know that he's appreciated and loved.

"Yo, gimme some candy, bi-atch!"

Just a few of the kiddies who showed up on our doorstep.......

It's Halloweenie Time!!

God, I love Halloween! It's like the Friday night of the weekend, the good one before Thanksgiving and Christmas...

It really is my favorite holiday-you can act like a complete asshole and get away with it, as long as you've got a really cool costume to back it up.

Had a good weekend, all around-went into the city on Friday night and hung out in the West Village with a friend, had dinner at Sushi Samba (yum) and went barhopping....I took an HPT and found out that there was no go on the preggo front, so I was able to guiltlessly tie one on. Saturday hubby and I had some friends over for a Halloween dinner party-no dressing up, but everyone had to bring a scary/ghost story to the party. My friend brought her Weird NJ book and freaked everyone out when she told us her new house is right up the road from Blairsden, which is supposedly haunted by a zillion nuns or something....ewwwww.....

Sunday we got to harrass little kids while trick or treating-I'm a firm believer that the kids actually have to say "trick or treat" to get the damn candy, not just stand there with their bags/pillowcases/backpacks/tubs looking at you like "give me some candy, bitch". Of course, I gave leeway to the wee ones, but they were the ones who were yelling it even before they came up the steps. So, after countless Cinderellas, Princess Jasmines, Bloody Screams, Harry Potters and the like, we were out of candy and satisfied that another Halloween has passed without problems...

Let the holidays begin!

Ramblings......

Sometimes, I live for the weekends.

Just to have that peace and quiet-nobody to bother you with irrational and ridiculous demands, not having to get annoyed by incompetence-just a nice day to do whatever I please.

I finally got to clean the house-I hate when things pile up and it starts to look like a squatter's den. I am not anal in the least, but if I can't find something, it frustrates me.I reluctantly put away the summer shoes and things and broke out my winter gear. It's sad in a way-I love autumn, and I'm grateful to live in a part of the country that experiences all four seasons, but summer is the best time-I can get in my car, and be at the shore in 40 minutes, relaxing by the water with my sand chair, a bottle of water and a book and chill for a few hours.....ah, bliss.........

This week was really not a good one for me-my birthday was this week, and nobody at work remembered-not that I'd expect them to, but we have this Sunshine Club, and they made us write down our birthdays, which I did. They certainly made sure, two days later, to announce another teacher's birthday and make a card....it's tough sometimes, to work in a place and feel as if you're a part of the wallpaper...

Plus, I'm embroiled in a mini-drama with a producer, director, and MD of a community theatre over what I consider an unprofessional email that was sent to me by the producer, which I responded to (I suppose they thought I wouldn't-heh) and have yet to hear back from the producer-I won't go into details right now, but suffice it to say that the email I sent back was, although more wordy, exactly the type I got, only without being rude, which the one I received was. Perhaps I'll post excerpts at another time-sometimes I surprise even myself.

But, today was nice-the sun was out for a few hours, I got cleaning done, was able to sit and relax with a cuppa java this morning, hubby brought me an apple cider donut after he came back from Motor Vehicle to renew his liscence. I was able to have "me" time, not TTC (Trying To Conceive) time, work time, church time, but time for myself, which I haven't had in a long time-it was nice.

Sometimes, you've just gotta be grateful for the simple pleasures in life.......

Happy Fucking Birthday

Yep, what you're reading in the title is true-tomorrow is my birthday

And, I'm not really in the celebrating mood.

It just really is like an emotional slap in the face to me that I'm another year older, and childless still. I feel another year of my fertility slipping by the wayside, and am sliding ever closer to menopause and the ceasing of my egg production, and my ability to have children.

It really hit home tonight-I never thought that, almost two and a half years later, I'd still be waiting for something to happen-under normal circumstances, I'd probably be thinking about having a second child by now, not wondering why my own body won't cooperate with me and what karma led me to this place in my life. It's so unfair. It makes me want to weep, to rage and scream, but I don't even have the energy for that anymore.....anyway, I've already done it, and it really didn't make much of a difference. I won't cry in front of my husband-I don't want him to feel worse than I'm sure he does about this whole thing, plus I think that he was seriously disturbed the last time I broke down (when we found out that I was the problem)-I literally took to my bed for the rest of the day. I just couldn't deal with it. I've taken to crying in the bathroom with the fan on, so nobody can hear it.

I've actually started to pray to God that, if I am not meant to have children, He take the desire for motherhood away from me, because sometimes it's just too much for me to handle.

I feel that this will never happen to me-the rapturous look on a mother's face when she sees her child, and I hate it. I hate having to make decisions like this about how to proceed. I hate that my friends and family members are having their second or third child and I can't even manage to have my first. I hate having to dodge the Fetal Inquisition whenever I go to a family gathering. I feel defective, almost like a pariah in the land of motherhood. I think that people look at me and can tell that I'm infertile, like a scarlet "I" worn like a badge across my abdomen.

I hate feeling like this. And I hate myself for being the one who is infertile, who isn't normal.

So, Happy Fucking Birthday to me.

Stupid People Shouldn't Reproduce

Why are people so fucking apathetic? Why can't they, when they are at work, perform their job to the best of their ability and not take their displeasure about life on their clientele?

For example, my mother in law had surgery on Columbus Day-a total knee replacement. Now, she is a nurse by profession, so she's aware of what goes on in a hospital setting. She previously discussed with the anesthesiologist that she wants to try the least amount of pain management possible post-surgery, so they gave her 2 Percosets when she was moved to her room. Naturally, that was about as effective as giving a band-aid to someone who just cut their jugular-I mean, she just had her leg sawed in half and had a prostethic knee put in there, what did she expect? So, the nurse she had was a total moron-it takes her 45 minutes to get the pills to her, then she doesn't come to check back on her. (I also found out later that, because she was too busy looking at the TV to see what was on Oprah, she spilled blood out of the drainage tube while checking it and didn't bother to put new sheets on the bed or give her a new blanket-gross). Needless to say, she's crying from the pain, so my brother-in-law gets pissed off and goes to find the nurse manager to complain. So, the nurse manager comes in and talks to my mother-in-law, and they finally get her some morphine.

So, this bitch (I will refrain from my usual "C" word that I'd normally say, but you know the word I mean) waddles back in (did I mention that she was pregnant-isn't that a fucking kick in th teeth?) with the morphine to put into her IV and basically blames my mother-in-law for not telling her that she was in pain. Finally, my mother-in-law (who is not normally rude) told this woman "Look, I am a nurse, and I know what to do for pain management protocol-you should have checked up on me"-so the bitch gets all pissy and told the charge nurse that her patient was a "problem". I told my mother-in-law not to worry about it, but to make it very clear to the staff that she is a nurse, so they'd treat her better. I mean, isn't it sad-shouldn't everyone who is in the hospital get the same above-standard treatment whle in there? And, this is from a large teaching hospital that is ampmg the best in our state. I'd make a complaint if I were her (she probably won't, though).

And, the sad thing was, since she was pregnant, she's not only apathetic, but breeding apathy in future generations. I'm not talking about the tiredness that pregnancy contributes to-this woman acted like it was a big chore to come in and actually check her patients, with all the eye-rolling, sighing, and tsking that accompanies it. It was a hassle asking her if we can get some ginger ale because my mother-in-law felt nauseous-it was like we were bothering her or something......
There are people out there who haven't worked for months, or years, through no fault of their own, because of layoffs, and they'd probably sell whatever they owned to get a decent job, and then there are the people who truly don't appreciate what they have....

It's Scrumpin' Time, baby!

I woke up this morning, like other mornings, and, still half-asleep, stuck a digital thermometer in my mouth, waited for it to beep, wrote down the temperature (albeit a bit shakily since I'm not too awake yet, then grope my way to the bathroom to pee on a litmus stick and put it into a $200 monitor that tells me whether or not I'm about to ovulate......fun, huh? So, as I'm sitting there letting my ass fall asleep on the toilet, the monitor pops up a little graphic of three bars with an egg in the middle-bingo! It's prime fertilizing time!
Yes, this has been the focus of my life-spending $200 on a plastic monitor to tell me when to have sex with my husband, rather than spending it on a nice dinner out, a pair or two of shoes, or a massage. I wistfully remember having sex spontaneously without worrying whether it will work, and maybe, just maybe, I can be that 25% chance that the doctors have told us, and actually get pregnant on my own. I long for the days when sex is not regulated to a calendar event, but an emotional connection between two people who love each other.....
My poor husband has really been a champ through all this-not really complaining when I give him the "sex schedule" for the next 5-7 days. He even tries to joke about the whole thing, which gets harder and harder to do as the months pass. I sometimes wonder if, since he's the healthy one in the reproductive relationship, he thinks about what it would be like to have a "normal" wife.
Then, after daily "baby-dancing" sessions (what the fertility charting websites call fucking, since it's not too cool to say that there), it's the dreaded 2 week wait (aka the 2WW), where you analyze every twinge, cramp, and symptom and wonder obsessively whether or not you're pregnant. Of course, what these places don't tell you is that, because of that lovely hormone progesterone that we produce after we ovulate, you always get pregnancy-like symptoms, since your body is preparing for the possibility.
So, even though the possibility of me getting pregnant this cycle is akin to getting hit by lightning, I will still worry and slightly obsess-did we do it enough times? Should I have that glass of wine with dinner? Why are my boobs hurting/not hurting so early/late? until I either get my period (AF-or "Aunt Flo"-cute huh?) or I'm late and have to take a home pregnancy test-another ploy to get poor women's money......*sigh*
Let the games begin.......

Sound Advice for the Fertile-ly Challenged

Well, it's been a fair few days since my last post, but things have been busy...

I had to go to the twatotologist (AKA the gyno) for my annual exam on Tuesday-it was a nice change of pace to have someone new poke and prod my nether regions. Actually, he's pretty cool, as far as gyno's go-he's fairly young and really honest, which I can totally appreciate-I'd rather have someone tell it to me straight than sugar coat it (or, as my husband says "polish a turd", which sounds so much more appropriate). So, I was updating him on the saga of my reproductive organs, and he was the first person who actually gave me advice, rather than just telling us the facts while we're sitting there trying to process inordinate amounts of information in a 20 minute appointment.

It's not that I want someone to make decisions for me (my body, my decision, right?), but I'd like one person, for a change, to give me an educated opinion about all this info. His take was to forget the lap and go with the IVF. Of course, insurance being what it is, I don't have much choice where I can go if I want them to pay for it, which I'm fortunate they will-my state has mandated infertility coverage. So, when I'm talking to my gyno about what clinics are offered in my plan, I mention one place, XYZ clinic, and he recommended against it, but then asked me if a Dr. K was listed on my plan, which he was, and he said to go with him instead. He wouldn't go into details (probably because he didn't want to get sued for slander) but I trust him. Turns out, Dr. K is one of the first RE's to practice in my state, and is listed as one of the top docs in for this kind of thing......who knew? Now, I've just gotta get my shit together and call for a consult...

Shitty, rainy cold weather is abound today-it got worse as the afternoon wore on. Fall is definitely here-I just hope that winter is kinder than last year. The kids at school were also wackier than usual, which was starting to stress me out. I find that the only solution for that is some food that I know is really not good for me, since I'm normally careful about what I eat-so off I went to Taco Bell with two colleagues, scarfed down a couple of Taco Supremes, and taught the rest of the afternoon with serious agita-I actually called one of the girls after school to remind her to never listen to me again when I want crappy food.....*burrrrp*.....'scuse me....Where the fuck are those Tums?

Some stuff......

Just a little background on me-I'm 32, married for 4 years, have a job that I enjoy, great friends-can't really complain on the state of my life for the most part. The only thing that I don't have is any children. Now, it's not because I don't want or like children-that's the farthest from the truth. The fact is, we've been trying to have children for over two years (26 months, if you want to get technical about it), but nada, zip, zilch, niente. We've been to see the regular GYN, who referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (the RE, for short-you'll come to see that there are a lot of shortened words, phrases and codes when dealing with the land of infertility, or IF-it's like a whole other language that sounds strangely like English) when one of the tests he ordered couldn't be performed (more about that another time-it still freaks me out six months later), who did a battery of tests on both me and my husband and found out that I have blocked Fallopian tubes-the right one is totally blocked, the other "slightly swollen", so, in other words, the plumbing is blocked. And, it's not like you can put Dran-o or something in there to unclog it.......actually, it would be lovely to have such a simple solution, wouldn't it?

We were given two options, exploratory laparoscopy (where they cut incisions around your belly button and stick a camera on a tube into your abdomen to see your plumbing-sounds like fun, huh?), with the possibility of repairing something, provided it isn't too horrible, or In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF to those in IF land)-since I'm fairly young by IF standards I have the "luck"(woo-HOO!) to choose what I want to have done, which has turned out to be harder to decide than I thought. If I do nothing, though, I only have a 25% chance to ever get preggers on my own-about the same as being hit by a tractor trailer on the interstate.

I've decided to start writing here more as my own personal therapy than anything else-I have so many things whirling around in my head and it's hard to wrap myself around one specific thing sometimes. Also the docs all recommended that I "reduce any undue stress" (riiiight..), so I can do this for free rather than talk to some therapist I don't know for an hour. I could talk to my friends, and I do, but a lot of them don't have children, or are recently married, and those who do were the type that got pregnant right away ("he just sneezed and I got pregnant"!) and can't relate to this at all, and I really don't want to blather on and on about it to them-shit, sometimes I don't want to hear about it.

Maybe it's also for those of you who might have a friend/family member/loved one/spouse who is dealing with this, so you can get a glimpse inside our heads and see that, behind that smiling, happy facade, we are going through a roller coaster ride that you can't begin to imagine. And, if you're out there with IF problems and reading this, know that you're not insane and not horrible for feeling how you do sometimes (hormonally medicated or otherwise).......
OK, that's all for now-God, that's more than enough, I think... And, so, let the adventure begin-please fasten your safety belts, and make sure your arms and belongings are securely in the car.....