Happy Fucking Birthday

Yep, what you're reading in the title is true-tomorrow is my birthday

And, I'm not really in the celebrating mood.

It just really is like an emotional slap in the face to me that I'm another year older, and childless still. I feel another year of my fertility slipping by the wayside, and am sliding ever closer to menopause and the ceasing of my egg production, and my ability to have children.

It really hit home tonight-I never thought that, almost two and a half years later, I'd still be waiting for something to happen-under normal circumstances, I'd probably be thinking about having a second child by now, not wondering why my own body won't cooperate with me and what karma led me to this place in my life. It's so unfair. It makes me want to weep, to rage and scream, but I don't even have the energy for that anymore.....anyway, I've already done it, and it really didn't make much of a difference. I won't cry in front of my husband-I don't want him to feel worse than I'm sure he does about this whole thing, plus I think that he was seriously disturbed the last time I broke down (when we found out that I was the problem)-I literally took to my bed for the rest of the day. I just couldn't deal with it. I've taken to crying in the bathroom with the fan on, so nobody can hear it.

I've actually started to pray to God that, if I am not meant to have children, He take the desire for motherhood away from me, because sometimes it's just too much for me to handle.

I feel that this will never happen to me-the rapturous look on a mother's face when she sees her child, and I hate it. I hate having to make decisions like this about how to proceed. I hate that my friends and family members are having their second or third child and I can't even manage to have my first. I hate having to dodge the Fetal Inquisition whenever I go to a family gathering. I feel defective, almost like a pariah in the land of motherhood. I think that people look at me and can tell that I'm infertile, like a scarlet "I" worn like a badge across my abdomen.

I hate feeling like this. And I hate myself for being the one who is infertile, who isn't normal.

So, Happy Fucking Birthday to me.