Some stuff......

Just a little background on me-I'm 32, married for 4 years, have a job that I enjoy, great friends-can't really complain on the state of my life for the most part. The only thing that I don't have is any children. Now, it's not because I don't want or like children-that's the farthest from the truth. The fact is, we've been trying to have children for over two years (26 months, if you want to get technical about it), but nada, zip, zilch, niente. We've been to see the regular GYN, who referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (the RE, for short-you'll come to see that there are a lot of shortened words, phrases and codes when dealing with the land of infertility, or IF-it's like a whole other language that sounds strangely like English) when one of the tests he ordered couldn't be performed (more about that another time-it still freaks me out six months later), who did a battery of tests on both me and my husband and found out that I have blocked Fallopian tubes-the right one is totally blocked, the other "slightly swollen", so, in other words, the plumbing is blocked. And, it's not like you can put Dran-o or something in there to unclog it.......actually, it would be lovely to have such a simple solution, wouldn't it?

We were given two options, exploratory laparoscopy (where they cut incisions around your belly button and stick a camera on a tube into your abdomen to see your plumbing-sounds like fun, huh?), with the possibility of repairing something, provided it isn't too horrible, or In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF to those in IF land)-since I'm fairly young by IF standards I have the "luck"(woo-HOO!) to choose what I want to have done, which has turned out to be harder to decide than I thought. If I do nothing, though, I only have a 25% chance to ever get preggers on my own-about the same as being hit by a tractor trailer on the interstate.

I've decided to start writing here more as my own personal therapy than anything else-I have so many things whirling around in my head and it's hard to wrap myself around one specific thing sometimes. Also the docs all recommended that I "reduce any undue stress" (riiiight..), so I can do this for free rather than talk to some therapist I don't know for an hour. I could talk to my friends, and I do, but a lot of them don't have children, or are recently married, and those who do were the type that got pregnant right away ("he just sneezed and I got pregnant"!) and can't relate to this at all, and I really don't want to blather on and on about it to them-shit, sometimes I don't want to hear about it.

Maybe it's also for those of you who might have a friend/family member/loved one/spouse who is dealing with this, so you can get a glimpse inside our heads and see that, behind that smiling, happy facade, we are going through a roller coaster ride that you can't begin to imagine. And, if you're out there with IF problems and reading this, know that you're not insane and not horrible for feeling how you do sometimes (hormonally medicated or otherwise).......
OK, that's all for now-God, that's more than enough, I think... And, so, let the adventure begin-please fasten your safety belts, and make sure your arms and belongings are securely in the car.....