Monday, September 28, 2009

4dt5dt-Self-Preservation Is My New Best Friend

So far, so good. I've had a little cramping off and on, but I'm really not feeling anything else as of yet. Of course, we all know that progesterone is a little bitch in regards to side effects screwing with your mind, so I'm trying not to read into anything as of yet, since it's too early to tell anything.

Yesterday we got a little shock when we got a phone call from my brother and sister-in-law, who were visiting my parents. They kept asking us if we were going to be there, but we wanted a weekend to ourselves, so we decided to stay home.

I'm glad now that we made that decision. My brother announced (after asking that we put him on speakerphone) that he and his wife are expecting. They'll be married six months on Sunday. Nice, huh? I couldn't even talk to him-I managed to choke out a "congratulations" and had to walk out of the room. After Sean hung up the phone I just lost it (pumped up by My Buddy Progesterone)-I mean, LOST IT. I cried for two hours, because it seems like EVERY CYCLE we have, someone else gets pregnant (and, I'm not kidding-I can connect almost every one of our friend's or family member's children to when we've done an IVF or FET cycle)............and it's never us. I couldn't help feeling that it's a bad omen of what's to come.

Of course, my mother had to call later and bitch me out because I was "wrong" to act the way I did. Hello? Really? I got into an argument with her (yeah, thanks again hormones!) and told her that perhaps, PERHAPS, she should've told him what was going on (since they didn't know we were doing a cycle) and maybe they should've waited to call me until we find out what's going on (they aren't far along anyway, why the frig are they telling us NOW?). She said that she did tell him, and that he wasn't sure to call, but my mother "didn't think that it was a big deal, because everything's going so well (JINX!!) for us". Yeah, because it's not like we haven't done this before, and things have gone well in the past......and we know how that turned out, right? I told her that there is no guarantee that this will work, and it was shitty of her to be so naive. She tried to put me on the phone with my father, but I just didn't want to talk to any of them. I just freaked out, and they were pissed off at me and hung up on me (after my father angrily told me that my brother doesn't want us to tell anyone. Great. I didn't want to be told, why would I broadcast it?).

Of course, Sean is upset. We were both thrown by the news. But he's more upset because he doesn't want me to be stressed out, because he thinks that my stress levels and the outcome of this cycle are connected. I just couldn't help reacting the way I did. Sean actually called my parents later and tried to explain how I'm feeling to them, that, although they are supportive, they will never know the hell we've gone through in regards to infertility. That the hormones I'm taking aren't helping my reaction, and that even he can't fully relate to it, because he's not the one who is being poked, prodded, injected, hooked up to things and having surgery to have what others have. He told me later that he thinks she has a better idea, but she still has "her opinions" on the matter (whatever), and that she does care about we're going through. Sean just thinks that she's just the type of person who isn't totally involved emotionally, which he's right.

My family, who is SUPPOSED to be supportive of us, can't understand why I'm so upset, that it's not fair to them (true, but again....HELLO?) and that we "should be happy for them". Yeah, well perhaps if I wasn't in the throes of what is my last IVF cycle and in 2WW hell, I could've probably mustered up an acceptable theatrical display of oohing and ahhing. But I feel like my mother, MY MOTHER, should've tried more to protect my feelings on this. Instead, she's all happy happy, because she's getting her long-awaited grandchild; and, like I always felt, it won't be from me. Even if this does work, it's like the thunder has been stolen from it, because he got there first. Yeah, it's selfish and babyish of me to think that way, but when the Only Son of the family announces that he's knocked up his wife, everything else in an Italian family just isn't as important. I should be used to it, but I always, stupidly think that it'll change and my parents will magically *POOF* realize that. Nah.

So I've decided that I won't talk to any of them right now, and if we're lucky that this works, we still won't tell them until we have to. I'm tired of being the one who always worries about what my family thinks. It's time to think of myself first. Yes, I know that at this point there's not much more I can do for those embryos, but I can try to help myself.

15 comments:

Heather said...

I'm so sorry, Sweetie!!
That is the worst place to be...when people who should protect you, hurt you. I'm so sorry.

Thinking of you.

(the first four letters of my word verification are: P A I N)

Anna said...

You know, I really felt badly for you, reading this post, and then I got to the end - when you mentioned you're in an Italian family. Then I REALLY felt bad. Oh, sweetie - boy am I sorry. You're right - please put yourself and your family first, because they never will.

My mom is Italian, my dad is a WASP. Once my brother was born, my mom was all about the boy. She seemed to remember I was alive once he died. Then she found a "surrogate son", so I'm on the wayside again. Whatever....

Hang in there and try not to worry. I know, the hormones can make you nuts. I'm sorry your parents can't understand. Is your brother sympathetic at all? I hope so. And I do so hope this cycle is THE cycle. I'm praying for you guys. Think positive, even though I know how hard that is. I just want it to work. Be well.

Lut C. said...

It is too much to expect them to get it. That said, it hurts. A lot.

Two close friends got PG right around our first failed FET of this year. One has delivered, the other is on the brink.

Erin said...

Read my last post. BIL and wife who have been married less than 2 months are expecting too. She has 3 kids by 3 different fathers already. Here comes number 4 and number 4...I TOTALLY feel what you feel. Although luckily progesterone won't be in my system for a little while.

Anonymous said...

That frigging sucks. Take care of yourself, please.

Heather said...

Ugh! Mothers! Don't get me started on mine. I have her only three grandchildren and she never sees them. Hasn't seen the twins since they were in the hospital in June! She hasn't come to see us since they've been home. And she told me when my surprise baby shower was that my friends were throwing for me. And then she didn't come, which meant my grandmother couldn't come, because if my mom came she would have given her a ride.

I'm not trying to make your problems sound small. I'm appalled by your mom's reaction that it should be no big deal to tell you. You just got me thinking on my own vent.

Heather said...

BTW, I forgot to say "Lots of luck!" and "Don't POAS!" Testing at home has always jinxed me. Our two pregnancies that worked, I refused to test.

zengirl said...

I just found your blog, and I am so sorry to read about the hurt you're going through right now, and that your parents do not understand how difficult it is for you. You're absolutely right in making yourself your first priority right now. Stress is a progesterone killer! It is not worth jeopardizing your health over other people's opinions. Hang in there. I wish you all the best!

Shelli said...

little fucking fuckers.

I'm sorry honey.

Jamie said...

I just read your post and here i am going to vent! This just happened to me! I have PCOS and me and my husband have been trying for for a baby for about 7 years now. I have finally just given up for now and have to get my body back into shape. After all the drugs, my dr. has told me now i need to lose some weight and try again that this will help. Dealing with all of this, my brother in-law and sister in-law just called us last friday and did the same thing. At least you were able to say something i just started crying. I hate this. I am happy for them but just can't deal with them right now. and if one more person tells me "It will happen when it is meant to be" I am going to scream!!! Take care of yourself and all I have to say is people just don't get it! Until you have been there month after month SHUT UP!

Dana said...

Sorry, Stef!
Before the boys, my mother actually told me that if it wasn't happening naturally, to just forget about it and that kids weren't worth it! WTF, right?
Just know, as much as it isn't a comfort, that a whole bunch loads of us have had stupid people saying stupid things to us about stupid fertile people who get "surprises"!

Thalia said...

limbo sucks. and your family are horribly insensitive. Hang in there.

Dana said...

How are you doing, Stef?
Know that all your ff buddies are still hangin' in with you!

Blondie said...

I'm so with you! I feel like every time I turn around, 3 more people are pregnant! And seemingly in an instant! Frustrating, isn't it? Blogging is such a good way to vent those frustrations, though.

Jessie Smith said...

I read your post and cried. I too am in the same boat as you, watching everyone else in the world become pregnant around me when everything else seems to be going completely wrong in my world of trying. My brother in law and sister in law had only been married for two months when they got pregnant. On top of that they had not had their first child a year when they got pregnant with their second child.

I currently have PCOS and have been trying for what seems like an eternity to have children. Other people don't get it that there are some people out there who aren't brood mares like some of the bitches out there who like to flaunt their fertility.

Hang tough chick - we are all in this boat together ;)