Monday, September 18, 2006

Psycho Hose Beast Checking In.....

And now, back to our regularly scheduling blogging.....

So, what to do now that the second FET failed? Besides eating crap
food, drinking a lot of wine and sitting my fat ass on the couch?
Well, it's time to make the dreaded lets go into graphic detail as to why we think your uterus is fucked up "follow up" appointment. Ours is set for October 6th. The day before our 6th anniversary-who loves ya, baby!?
Sean wants to ask Dr. Pipsqueak
whether we should try the timed intercourse thing for a little
while-apparently, he feels that perhaps we (read: he) didn't "try hard
enough". After I recovered from shooting Pepsi-Free out of my nasal
passages, I told him that it wasn't worth it, knowing that we have a
snowball's chance in hell of it working. He disagrees, but I think
that it's because he 's being a typical male and just wants the nooky.
Urgh, just what I want to do-start using the stupid fertility monitor,
and schedule baby-(un)making sex. I'd rather watch paint dry, frankly.

I've been feeling a little bitter lately (uh...can ya tell??), and am vacillating between feelings of sadness, apathy and....dare I say it....the "H" word (nah, I don't dare-I'm a wimp). I'm finding that I have an extremely low bullshit tolerance. Here's an example of how a social situation might unfold for me lately:

On Saturday we met M and Sexy J at a local restaurant just to hang out and have a pizza and booze. Now, I must say firstly that M is impatient. Extremely impatient. So impatient that she wants everything yesterday (at least she acknowledges this). So, they get to the restaurant first. The town that we're dining in has a really shitty parking situation, so we are playing the "circle like vultures for a parking spot" game like nobody's business. In the 15 minutes it takes for us to park and walk the 100 feet to the restaurant, she calls my mobile three times. THREE TIMES. I didn't bother to pick up the phone, but it just put me on edge.

Then again, the wind shifting from an easterly to southerly direction would make me edgy, but I digress.....

So, we get to the restaurant, and meet them. There is a table right next to us (very close to ours), with a father and young son sitting there (they looked as if they were waiting for their waiter to bring the change). The boy was about five or so, and he was banging on the table, shouting and generally being unruly in public (this is a pet peeve of mine-if you're going to bring a kid to a restaurant at 8:30 in the evening, or at any time of the day, make sure that they know what's expected of them). M was trying to ask me a question, but I couldn't hear a word of what she was saying, because of the loud, unruly devil's spawn child. Finally, I said (in an obviously annoyed tone), "I'm sorry, I can't hear what you're saying". The father looks at me as I sit down, and actually has the balls to say to me "Yeah, you'll see, having young kids isn't easy".

Them's fighting words, as far as I'm concerned. I retorted with "Well, perhaps if I could have kids, I'd be able to see that", and turned my back to him, but not before seeing his mouth drop open. Fucker. He beat a hasty retreat after that, and I was able to enjoy myself for the rest of the evening.
Of course, I shouldn't make others feel bad to make myself feel good, but fuck it. I was in a great mood after that.

So, suffice it to say that I'm acting like a psycho lately. And I really don't care.

I've got so many things running through my head right now. Why didn't this work? Will this ever work? Is it worth it to even continue? How much longer can I take this roller coaster ride I'm on? I'm tired of taking tons of medications for nothing. I'm tired of half of the New Jersey chapter of the American College of Reproductive Medicine looking up my cooter, with nothing to show for it but an empty uterus. And I'm definitely getting tired of waiting. I've been patient-hell, four year is more than patient, in my opinion. So, when will it be my turn?

All questions that will hopefully be answered in a few weeks. That is, if there are any answers. Let's hope that there are, though-I need them desperately.


Anonymous said...

This entry might as well been the one I wrote two weeks ago.
Thank you for a real,raw and hysterically funny write-up.Your perspective helps - if we feel like psychos it's because IF drives us to it.
Thank you!
p.s -

Shelli said...

I've said MANY a similar thing to the un-witting stranger myself - you feel free to atake it out on ANY stupid person that walks by.

I'll send you your get out of jail free card asap!

Becky said...

I can totally identify, and say that if parents have the right to use their situation to excuse themselves from being understanding, then so do we.
Oh, and if you're interested in some angry IF blogging, check out my site. I've got plenty of ire to go around ;)


Anonymous said...

I am glad to see someone else can find humor in this whole process!