This is the motto of my alma mater, which also happens to be the oldest diocesan Catholic university in the United States, was founded by Archbishop James Roosevelt Bayley and named for his aunt, who was the first American-born Catholic saint. It was a great place to spend my university "career".
I had a wonderful experience there. Among the highlights is meeting the lovely Sean in the Corrigan Hall chorus room as a 17 year old freshman. I also met some amazing people there, got to be a part of theatre and music programs, pledged a sorority. Yes, I did things other than party, drink my face off and.....other things- I also somehow made it to classes and managed to graduate, so it can't be all bad.
Hazard Zet Forward, translated into English means "through adversity we will move forward". Some of the religious community on campus also used to say "Forward Through Faith", which is also nice, but I like the literal translation better. I never thought that it would apply to my own life, but, circumstances being what they are, it aptly parallels my life at this point in time.
I've been thinking of a lot of things for the past two weeks or so, since the FET didn't work. I've thought about whether or not this IVF path will ever work for us, if we should just give up. If, perhaps, I'm meant to do other things besides being a parent. But, mostly, I've thought about faith, and if it's possible that I'm starting to lose mine.
What has been fueling this is because, for the past two weeks in church, the readings were all about putting your faith into God and to trust that you'll be cared for. Of course, it was getting me a bit teary-eyed at one point, since I feel that lately I have so little faith in anything, let alone God. One of the pieces the choir sang at the Communion Meditation was "O Lord, Increase My Faith", which was written by Orlando Gibbons (there's an audio link here, in case you want to hear it):
O Lord, increase my faith
and confirm me in Thy true faith.
Endue me with wisdom, charity and patience
in all my adversity.
Sweet Jesus, say Amen.
At rehearsal, A usually starts everything off with a prayer-he's got this great book on "choral prayers", and it was so appropriate to the text of the Gibbons piece-it spoke about how, no matter how bad things are in your life, or whether or not you think that you can bear any more, to just say "Amen" and leave it up to God. It frightens me to even have to give up any semblence of control that I think I have, because it means putting my faith in God to help me through this. But, what if it doesn't happen-is it God's will? Do I just accept that? Does it make me a better, more spiritual person for it? I really don't know anymore. It's scary to give that burden up and leave the details to God (or fate, destiny, karma, whatever you believe), because I'm so afraid that He's not listening anymore. That the reason He's not given me children is because I'm not meant to have them. I've prayed, begged, pleaded, visited shrines, you name it. Up until now, my faith has remained. So, why now is it starting to waver?
Well, let's add into the mix my upcoming 34th birthday. I know that, in comparison to many in our world, I'm a young'un, but with each passing year I feel like my window of opportunity has gotten smaller and smaller. I have no fears about being an "older" mother, but my greatest fear is that, since we've not had a successful pregnancy in the four years we've already been trying, my age will start factoring into the mess of my infertile life, and tip the scales hopelessly against me.
I've been so discouraged lately-I hate that I can't think about anything else but infertility. I hate that it seems to intrude with every part of my life. I hate that I don't feel "normal". I hate that it's affected my physical relationship with my husband (because, let's face it, there's no such thing as "fun" sex anymore). And, I hate that I feel that I have nowhere to turn, that even God isn't listening to me anymore. It's like God and I aren't speaking anymore, much like two teenage girls who are in a snit over a Justin Timberlake poster. How do I change this? I don't know. It's not like I can to talk to a priest or religious about this, since what I'm doing is against Church Law ("Hey Father, can I unburden myself to you about my failed IVF cycles and fertility treatments? Oh.......I'm committing a mortal sin, huh? And I'm going to Hell? Okaaaay.....well, thanks for reminding me-sorry to have bothered you...."). I feel trapped, like I have nobody to listen to me-I mean, if even God isn't listening, who will, right?
Hazard Zet Forward. But, where exactly will I end up?