I woke up this morning to the strains of my lovely husband singing the opening phrase of "September Morn".
I promptly started to whine and pull the covers over my head.
September 1st. Back to work. School "officially" starts on the 5th, but our contract requires that we go in the day before the kids start.
I walked into school this morning (my "crap school"-we had to report to what our normally scheduled Friday school would be), and it was like I hadn't left.........and it wasn't a good thing.
All the stress and aggravation and bullshit dropped down from the ceiling, where it's been hibernating since June, and decided to get a piggyback ride on me. I hadn't realized until that moment that I SO didn't want to go back. I wasn't ready. I'm not ready for the politics and nepotism and crap. I had to actually take a moment to center myself and de-stress, or else I'd be a wreck.
It's so hard to explain everything I find wrong with where I am-there's so much that plays into it, and plus I have no idea who the hell reads this (besides my Barren Bitches and Stirrup Queens), so I don't want to get dooced. Suffice it to say that this district is rife with gladhanding and nepotism, and if you don't kiss ass, you don't get ahead. Top that off with administration who will figuratively throw you under the bus rather than defend you, in order to protect their own agenda.
Yeah, I do know that the time is coming where I need to make the decision to stay or move on. I would ideally want to finish my Master's Degree in Education before I leave (to be more marketable), but I still have halfway to go. I'd also want to start my Masters in Music, but that could wait until I'd move districts. I need to find a place where I feel challenged and valued, where I can try new things (or have the opportunity to). I don't want to be in a place where "if you don't cause problems, you're okay" is the mantra.
Of course, I get the niggling idea in the back of my head that it would also be wonderful to get pregnant this time around, go on maternity and child-rearing leave and.....well......not go back for awhile. Unfortunately, it's not a realistic thought, due to finances. Plus, we want to eventually move, and we can't do that on only one salary. But, I did fantasize a bit about how we could manage it.....I could cantor and maybe teach piano and voice privately, I wouldn't have to worry about benefits because of Sean's benefits, blah blah blah. I do know that it's just a dream, but maybe if I hit the lottery..........yah, right.
So, today is 2dp3dt. Apparently, the embryos (named Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern) could implant (should they decide to) from anytime today onward. I don't feel any differently, other than being tired and nauseated, but that's from the Estrace and PIO (and the lovely bruises on my tush). I am honestly trying not to think about what's going on inside the ute right now. I'm trying not to obsess or stress, and so far, it's been working. Once we get to next week, then that's another story.
I have to find something to fill the time........