An Empty Shell.

Yeah, this week sucks.

Actually, come to think of it, this whole life I lead pretty much sucks, so why should this one particular week be any different?

I don't know what's wrong with me, honestly. I could give two shits about anything. Work is stressful. Church job is stressful. The pregnant teachers in school and church disturb me, to the point that I can't eat in the faculty room anymore because of all the baby talk right in front of my face (and this from the same colleagues who know what I've gone through-insensitive, right?). I can't concentrate on anything. I had choir rehearsal last night and I sucked. Truly. I couldn't focus and got so frustrated and pissed off that I was making stupid mistakes and asking stupid questions. And, to top it off, the section leaders got "talked" to by A about our getting on the ball with our jobs as section leaders. Great. I'm constantly tired-all I want to do is stay in bed. And, to top it all off, I'm coming down with a cold, or whatever the hell Sean had and has now given to me. At least I didn't have it last weekend, or else I would have been screwed royally.

I came home and cried for two hours last night, and tried to tell Sean what was wrong, but it came out all jumbles, so now Sean thinks, now more than ever, that I'm a nutjob. I can't even really verbalize exactly how I feel. It's like everything in my life feels so out of control, and I can't do anything about it. I'm so sad and angry and frustrated and stressed out, and it's only the end of September-what will happen by April?

I'll probably be committed. Certifiably insane.

I was so upset after I left rehearsal last night, and so angry. A is supposed to be a friend, as well as a boss, so why has he yet to ask me if I'm okay? In fact, I' m getting the growing feeling that he's been giving me the cold shoulder. And, he has yet to really acknowledge what's happened to me in the past 10 weeks, and it upsets and saddens me. I know, deep down, he's not that kind of a person-he's very "German" in personality and can seem to be emotionally detached at times, but come on.........he and G have been around since the beginning of my fertility issues, and he knows what's going on........it's just upsetting me. But here's the million dollar question: would it really upset me that much if I weren't already in an emotional state of flux?

Honestly, I'm beyond caring about anything. I feel that everyone is putting a lot of pressure on me, that they're all taking a piece of me for their own purpose and there's nothing left for me but an empty shell. I don't know how much longer that I can live with that empty shell.

And, I really don't know what to do about it. Or if I really care that much to change it.

Bored

Holy shit, I'm bored as hell.

I've been doing some kind of rehearsing since May or June, and this is the first week that I have nothing, absolutely nada, to do for the bulk of this week, and I have no idea what the fuck to do with myself. I don't even know what's on TV anymore, since I'm usually never home to watch it.

I made dinner two nights in a row for the first time since May, as well. Holy shit, I thought that Sean was going to fall over when he saw that tonight. Heh.

Since I basically have sat around with my thumb in my ass and have NO idea what to do with myself, I just got into bed, which is weird as hell. I should be enjoying this, but I'm going stir crazy......

Oh, wait, I DO have something to do-resolve my infertility. ha HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I thought that might give you a chuckle (I certainly got a snicker out of it). I actually did try to call Dr. Vest's office today, but since it was Tuesday the office closed at 3:30 and I missed it. Oh, well-I'll try again tomorrow.

In the meantime, here's something to pass the time. I tried to start a blog on LiveJournal, but it didn't work out. I did, however, discover this lovely delight. And, the best part is, she's actually getting published! I'm totally buying this book when it comes out here.

Otherwise, I'm just boring as hell today.................sorry. Maybe tomorrow will be a more interesting day.

Later.

Procrastinating

Okay, here it is, the third day of my cycle, and I didn't call Nursey P to make my appointment with Dr. Vest to go over my protocol for the new IVF cycle.

I should have, I know. It's not like I didn't have the time, or that I even forgot about it. I totally procrastinated.

I'm avoiding having to deal with the growing reality check that I have to go through another IVF cycle. That I have to start giving myself injections again, and go through the retrieval and transfer again, and pray that I don't hyperstimulate.

I hate that it seems like I'm just a whinging freak of nature. I feel like I'm complaining a lot here on ye olde bloge, but it's what on my mind of late, so sorry.

The show closed yesterday and it all went well. My uncles, aunt and cousin came on Saturday night-one of my uncles is a "professional" actor (read: piss poor, but talented as hell and does it for his "art" not for $$) and he actually called up my mother at intermission and told her that I shouldn't be doing community theatre, I should be auditioning in NYC, so now she's on this "I should be doing this professionally" kick. Yeah, me and about 50,000 other sopranos who are waitressing in Manhattan. However:

(1). I have a mortgage to pay.
(2). Driving around in a cramped tour bus for six months and living off of Spam isn't really as much fun as it seems.
(3). You'd have a lot of explaining to do at the airport when you're carting around injectables.
(4). Uh..........I like to eat regularly, have nice clothes, a house, and medical insurance.
(5). Did I mention that I already have a job?

So, there it is. But don't think that it hasn't crossed my mind in the past few years. But, honestly, I'd be a dime a dozen, and, quite frankly, I'm not good enough for Broadway. NJ community theatre is fine for me, at least for now.

The Bitch is Back

AF arrived at approximately 1:30 this morning, and is promptly kicking my ass all over the house.

It's really heavy, so far. I had to put in extra large bullets in, which I normally never do, since I went through a regular bullet in two hours. Yuck. The show tonight should be interesting. I hate having my period during a show-I feel so gross and nasty.

Otherwise, everything's okay. I feel a bit better-still kinda down, but okay. Maybe it was the hormones. Who knows.

What the fuck!?

I'm on cycle day 32, and still no sign of a period, nor do I feel like it's coming on yet. I'm not sure how fucked up my period is due to the miscarriage-I started bleeding on 8/22, and I thought that I ovulated around day 16 (admittedly, I didn't chart or use the monitor this month-why bother, right?), soooo.......I should have gotten my period on Tuesday, right? But, nothing yet.

And no, I refuse to pee on an evil stick-why get my hopes up, when it will be late showing up? Maybe, if it doesn't show by next week, I'll do it, but there's no point, really.

If anyone can tell me if your cycle after a miscarriage gets messed up, I'd be grateful....

I hate that my life revolves around my menstrual cycle. I hate having to even ask these questions. It sucks.

BTW, anyone see what's going on at Fertility Friend? That just blows. I got the VIP membership last year, but a lot of my buddy group didn't have the membership, and we refused to get seperated. I'm not saying that asking for $$ is right or wrong, but the whole way that they went about it was wrong. Plus, it was really starting to get constraining, what with all the censorship going on. I used to be part of a site called Babymed (now a part of Web MD) that was free, then once they merged with Web MD it became a pay for membership site, but at least they gave their members some advance warning. It's unfortunate, because a lot of women use those boards for support, and now they're screwed.....

Well, here's a shameless plug for you. One of the women in my buddy group has a genius computer husband and they decided to open a free site (yes, again, it's FREE) for posting. It's called Fertility Family, and if you're on FF and want to continue posting with your various buddy groups, go there. It's awesome, and again, IT'S FREE!!!

I have the site on my links section, so you can click there.

Later

Would You Like a Side of Bitter with your Meal?

Opening weekend went really well. The audiences were great, and no major fuckups. Special props go out to Shelli, Narda and Dawn, who trekked out to see the show-I'm glad that you guys enjoyed it, and it was so nice to see you, albeit for a short time :(

On another note, I'm feeling exhausted and irritable. All I want to do is sleep, and I can't-I've got church rehearsal tonight, a brush-up at the theatre tomorrow, and another church rehearsal on Thursday. I'm also waiting for my period to come (nothing yet, but I'm not sure how this period will be, since it's the first "normal" one after the miscarriage), so that I can start the whole appointment spiel with Dr. Vest's office, which I'm not looking forward to. I'm just tired of the whole process. I'm afraid that something will go wrong again, that I'll develop OHSS again, or that it won't work again.

We had our first choir Sunday the other day, and the whole theme of the readings were about faith. It got me thinking-do I have enough faith that this whole mess of IF will be resolved? I am amazed at people who have such faith, despite the horrible things that occur in their lives. How can they be so confident, so assured? There's this one woman in our choir (an older woman) who's been through the loss of twins (she was forced to deliver them after the doctors discovered that they were dead in utero), her husband's (of 50 years) descent into the hell of Alzheimer's Disease, and the fact that her living children will not help her in any way. She has such faith in God, that she will have the strength-how? I think that I've talked about her before...she was the woman who came up to us and asked us if we were having problems having kids, and was the woman who told me about St. Gerard. Anyways, she's so confident that I'm going to have a baby, and is always so positive about this belief. There are times that I'm so grateful for the support, but on the other hand, I just want to ask her "How do you know? HOW?"

Sometimes I wonder if God put her in my life to reinforce that concept of faith. To show me that there are people who believe, who think that this will happen, and I need to have this kind of faith as well.

Lately, I really don't feel like talking about infertility. In fact, when M called me before and asked me about IVF#2, I told her "My reproductive organs are not up for discussion right now". I felt like a rude bitch afterwards (since she got quiet on the phone), so I tried to explain that lately I feel as if people are defining me not as S, the theatre-loving music teacher who has a great husband, friends and family, but S, the sterile woman who can't have kids on her own. I don't want people's pity. I don't want that to be the only thing that people think that they can talk to me about. There's more to my life than the sorry state of my Fallopian tubes, thankyouverymuch. I think that she got it, but then again, sometimes I wonder if she has ever gotten it. She got pregnant the month after she went off the Pill, so how would she know? You can't make people understand, especially if they can't relate to it.

I just feel so bitter and sad lately, like I'm walking a tightrope of emotions, and I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down and crying. Some days are really good, but I resent the majority of days, when the reality of my infertility pierces through and casts a dark cloud over my daily life. Call it depression, call it PMS, call it whatever you want.......it sucks, though.

I just want to be like everyone else. Why is that such a bad thing?

Opening Night!

It's finally here!

I called out sick today *cough cough*, since we aren't allowed to take our personal days in the first two weeks or last two weeks of school (bastards!), slept in and lounged in my pajamas until 3pm. So, now I'm sitting here, with foam curlers in my hair (to make the tendrils that will stick out of my fabulous wig, which looks even more fabulous now that the hairdresser was there last night to spruce it up), dressed, and ready to leave. My great-grandmother was like that-she'd be ready to leave for an event two to three hours before she was being picked up, and she'd just sit there, with her hat and purse in her hands, patiently waiting.

Thank the Lord for the Internet, that's all I have to say.

The producer is having an opening night party after the performance, at a nice bistro type restaurant, for the cast and crew, which is nice. I've never worked with a group that has done that before. Can't booze it up too much, though.

So, I'm a bit nervous, but not in a bad way. It's an excited kind of nervous, kind of like when I had the FET in July. I love the whole getting ready process: pin-curling your hair up and putting the wig cap on, slapping pounds of makeup on, doing vocal warm-ups. Yeah, I'm weird, but it's a whole process that is a means to an end-performing in front of people (and this time, it will be 1400 people per performance) and having a hell of a time.

So, thanks for the kind words out there (and no, I won't go near the curtain-I too once learned a valuable lesson in why you should never try to see where your family is sitting) and hopefully I'll have some pictures to show you soon.......

:)

Pre-Opening Night Jitters

Holy motherfucking shit-the show opens tomorrow night.

Everyone is going to be totally measuring me up. What if I don't cut it?

Fuck it-I've worked my ass off.......let the critical ones get their asses up there and try it.

There, I'm better now.

The dreaded tech week is going well. I'm beyond tired, though-I'm getting home on average at midnight, then that 'ol alarm starts blaring away at 6:05am. Yeah, it blows. But, I think that I'm going to call out sick for tomorrow. I need to save my voice and rest before the big night.

There's a HUGE fucking poster in the window of the theatre, with me and my "Frederic" in our costumed glory. I cringe every time I go past the theatre-holy shit, I look HUGE in white. Actually, with all this going on, I haven't had the time or energy to even dwell on my infertile state. Shit, I should get principal roles more often, right?

A special thank you goes out to Cat, who send me a lovely present which I received in today's mail-some very pretty notecards with a beautiful musical picture on the front-you're the best! And, Shelli, Narda, and Dawn (my FF buddies) are coming to see the show Saturday night (hey, btw, Sean will be there too!), which is so great.

Tonight's the final dress, with the works-costumes, makeup, wigs and sound (did I mention that my wig ROCKS!? Holy crap, it's FABOO!), and full orchestra. I love this last rehearsal-it makes it more real to me, that's it's all come together. It's going to be a great show.

Theatre rocks.

Busy Little Beaver

That's me.

It's been really busy, what with school starting and rehearsals going. The kids are okay, there's just a lot of them-and I mean a LOT. What with working during the day and then running to Red Bank and rehearsing all night, I just about come home and crash.

Today's Sean's birthday, so we went out to breakfast this morning (he's working tonight-it's NYC Fashion Week and he usually freelances for it) and had some birthday nookie. Other than that, there's not much else going on (not like that isn't enough going on, right!?)

Infertility still sucks.

That's all-I need to nap now.

Not Truly Ours

Why is it my lot to be constantly surrounded by pregnant women?

Is it some kind of sick joke that God's playing? "Here ya go, let's just SHOW you what you can't obviously have.......HAHAHAHAHHAHA".

I can hear the snickering, can't you?

This was my weekend to cantor at church-normally, it's a pretty easy time (the $$ doesn't hurt, either). Usually, during the year, I'm a regular singer at the 11:00 mass, with the choir. Yesterday, at that particular mass, it seemed like everyone I knew was there, including one of the sopranos in my section (we sit next to each other, and she knows what we're going through), and, yes, she's pregnant yet again (it's her fifth) and due in February. FUCK!!!

After mass, she came up to me and told me that she heard that I miscarried (probably from A-it's possible that he just wanted to warn her in case I acted weird around her at first),and that she was so sorry to hear it. She herself had two within 14 months-her last miscarriage was when she was 16 weeks along. She told me that she was so glad that I had said something about it to people-she and her husband never told anyone about it when it happened to her the first time, and she realized afterwards how big of a mistake that was, because you need to be able to talk about it. She also said that if I ever needed to talk, that she was there, which was nice.

Then she said something that really struck me-that when something like this happens, it's a reminder that our children, regardless of how long we have them-for a few weeks, a few hours, days, or years-they are never truly "ours"..........they really belong to God, and they're here for whatever time they're a part of your life for a reason.

This concept was on my mind all day yesterday. I can certainly understand the concept, but why do that? Why break someone's heart like that-what's the purpose? Then, it got me thinking about some of the people I know.......someone like Cat, who's been through the wringer with multiple miscarriages. If that hadn't happened, and the testing that came later on, she wouldn't have learned of her thrombophilia, which not only affects her ability to carry a child, but also affects her general health.

There are so many of us that have had miscarriages/losses, failed cycles, and are struggling every day with the hell that is infertility. Do I think that there's a reason for it? Yes, maybe. For me, it's helped me appreciate the relationship I have with my husband, that we won't fall apart when shitty things happen to us. It makes me know that, if and when I get pregnant, I won't take it for granted, and that I'd thank God every day for the rest of my life for that gift. It prioritizes your life-infertility has actually forced me to realize what is important and necesary in my life.

I've just finished reading a great book, called Sarah: A Novel, by Marek Halter. I had bought the book a few months ago, but hadn't had the chance to start it. It's a fictional story about Sarah (Sarai), the wife of Abraham. A big part of the story was about the choice that (fictionally) she had made in her youth that later resulted in her struggle with infertility, her pain at not being able to give Abraham a son, and her lack of faith in this new God that Abraham worshipped, a God who promised Abraham again and again that Sarah would bear a child. In one of the last chapters of the book, Sarah goes out into the wilderness and has a breakdown, yelling and screaming at God for her barreness, and her begging and pleading for her heart's desire, that she would submit to His will. The passage really moved me, as it would, I'm sure, for all of us. We can all relate to that raw feeling of anguish and pain, to give yourself up for the one thing that would make you truly happy and complete.

If you can get a chance, give it a read. It's pretty good.

Dreams

I haven't been sleeping very well lately. I keep waking up at odd times-usually around 3am. Mostly, it's because I'm having really vivid, fucked up dreams. Normally, I don't remember my dreams, but lately I wake up with them fresh in my mind.

Here's the one I woke up with this morning:

In my dream, my mother was pregnant, with twins. I was at my parent's house, just wandering around, agitated at seeing my mother's moderately swollen belly. She was upset, crying for some reason, probably because I was screaming "Fuck you, it's supposed to be ME! It's MY turn!" over and over again. I didn't see my father, but in my dream he was present somehow. My mother kept saying "It wasn't my fault!" and I just kept yelling and screaming at her, saying "How could you do this to me! You knew I was next!" And, then I woke up and started to cry-the emotions in my dream seemed to carry through to my waking state.

Weird. And, even more bizarre because it was my mother, not anyone friends/colleagues that are pregnant. The anger and agitation is pretty self-explanatory.

But, why twins? Maybe because I was at school yesterday and saw L, the teacher who did IVF around the same time as me and got pregnant with twins (a boy and a girl, they found out). But then, why wasn't the dream about her?

Needless to say, this restlessness isn't helping my state of mind. I'm constantly feeling exhausted and run-down, which isn't good for starting work on Tuesday. I feel adrift in a sea of fertile women. I try so hard to hope and trust that this next round of IVF will be the one, but I'm feeling that I can't even trust my own body to cooperate. It's so damn frustrating.

For the first time in my life, instead of celebrating my individuality, my need to march to the beat of my own drummer, I long to be just like everyone else.

Ironic, isn't it? I certainly think so.