7dp3dt

I took an Evil Pee Stick this morning.

Yes, I do know it's too early.

It was snow white. One line. No more trigger shot in my system.

Now the real waiting begins. The part that could be my undoing. The part that is the worst.

T minus 4 days until beta day.

That is all......

2dp3dt-Deja Vu

Well, here we are.....again......for the eighth (yep, I counted) time.

So, what have I been doing? Well, school lets out tomorrow, so with the short week I've been busy, not to mention the weekend at church (I have another rehearsal tomorrow night). I've been really good about sitting a lot, drinking water and taking it easy, but it's been hectic.

As for how I'm feeling.....well, pretty good. I'm bloated and want to eat everything in sight, but really, I'm amazed at how well I feel. I guess this is the norm with an IVF cycle, but for me, it's nothing short of amazing. I remarked to Sean last night that the last cycle we actually had with a fresh transfer was over two and a half years ago, which is mind-blowing to me.

I am still a bit crampy-it's more obvious when my bladder is full, but I'm not sure as to whether or not this is normal (I'm assuming it's from the progesterone, that rat-bastard). My ovaries seem to have calmed down, and I can't feel them like I did the first few days after the retrieval. I go in for a hormone check tomorrow morning, then I've got a week to go until beta day. I also have to find out if the four embryos left were able to be frozen or not.

I've also been going to my acupuncture appointments-I had one this afternoon, and one Thursday, and I think that it's really helping me relax more. She's been treating me as if I'm already pregnant, so nothing in the belly, but in my ears, legs, inside of the wrists, in bewteen the eyes (!) and in my scalp. It didn't hurt, and I even got to take a little nap while on the table. I think, no matter what the outcome, I'll still continue with acupuncture-I've found that I actually like it.

Then again, I'm also having a two and a half inch needle shoved in my ass every night, so what the hell do I know.

A Nice Surprise

Just got home from the transfer. We transferred in three great looking embryos-one 7-celled and two 8-celled. Both the Dr. Smiley and the embryologist (who also happens to be her husband) both feel that they were really nice, so now we hunker down to wait.

The surprise came when Dr. Smiley came back to see us before the transfer, to tell us that, although we were told on Friday that we only had 5 embryos fertilize, they were surprised to find yesterday that two more decided to fertilize. They're slow growing, but are looking okay. So, we've got 4 that they're watching, and will possibly freeze........let's hope so.

Let the waiting begin.

Perhaps, I SHOULD have worried.....*updated*

Just got the call, from Dr. Pipsqueak herself.

5 fertilized. Only 5. They're recommending that I transfer 3 embryos. She said that it "looks good, but it's still early". There is a chance that I'll have a 5 day transfer, but I won't know until Sunday morning (the day of what would be the 3 day transfer).

Fuck.

Why do I get the feeling that this is going to TOTALLY suck? Why can't something go my way, for once in my life?

Fuck.

*************************

Transfer is set for Sunday at 12pm (also known around these parts as "high noon"). I'm to be at the surgery center at 11am with my big-ass bottle of water and ready for anything. If it ends up being a 5 day transfer, they'll call me on Sunday morning......nothing like waiting until the last minute, huh?

Of course, that means that I'm not singing the last two Masses on Palm Sunday....oh, well.....priorities, you know.....

ER

Perhaps I shouldn't have worried.

24 eggs retrieved. As to how many are actually mature and have fertilized, we'll find out tomorrow.

It would be nice if I were able to make it to a 5 day transfer, wouldn't it?

I feel pretty good-sore, but not really bloated. No bleeding. Hey, is this what it's supposed to feel like when you're not hyperstimulated? What a frickin' concept. I'm still drinking a shitload, just to hedge my bets.

Okay, back to bed......more news (hopefully) tomorrow.

Day 9...Hoo Boy....

Nurse Blondie's instructions for tonight, as follows:

Take HCG trigger (10,000iu) tonight promptly at 10pm, come in for monitoring tomorrow, then be at the surgery center at 8am Thursday.

We're on our way. To say that I'm scared shitless is an understatement.

Today's wanding showed my lead follicles at 18mm, with the rest hanging out at 15-17, and the smallest ones at less than 10mm. So, there seems to be enough follicles for ER-hopefully they will be mature eggs, though. My E2 jumped up from 1400 to 2000 (from Sunday to Monday), so I'm to assume that today's numbers were over 2000. I was told with the last cycle that they won't do a transfer with any numbers over 4000, due to the OHSS risk, so I guess I'll know tomorrow what the final count is.

Please God, let there be enough eggs that are good this time. Also, not bloating up like a watermelon and feeling miserable would be a bonus, too.

Please please please let this work out.

Stims, day 8-Brewing Follies

And, on today's episode of "Follicularly Yours".....

Watch as S goes AGAIN for morning monitoring to be told that her E2 has risen from 400 to 1400 in a matter of two days, and has her Follistim lowered yet again from 75iu to 50iu....

Yep, today's date with the dildocam showed a buttload of nicely brewing follicles-the largest being 15-16mm, a whole bunch measuring 12-13mm, and the rest measuring <10mm. Dr Smiley is doing monitoring this week (I so totally love her in a non-romantic way!), and she mentioned that we'll probably have the retrieval being from Friday to Sunday, depending on when we trigger. I'm hoping that it'll be earlier rather than later, because I'm supposed to sing the WHOLE DAMN WEEKEND for Palm Sunday, and it'll totally suck to have to get a sub. I have the feeling that it will be earlier, given the phone call from Nurse Blondie telling met to lower my dose, rinse, repeat, and see ya tomorrow in the clinic. The other plus is that Dr. Smiley will be doing my retrieval (YAY!), which is cool (as cool as someone sticking a 12" needle through your cooter into your ovaries to suck eggs out of your body can possibly be, I suppose). I'm actually feeling pretty good, which is a definite change from past cycles. Usually, at this point I'm a bloated, hormonal, uncomfortable mess, so I consider this a definite improvement already. I'm just praying that my E2 doesn't start to get out of control, but I have faith that the RE's are on top of the whole situation. Hey, did I mention that I'm going to do acupuncture again? Yah, except this time it's not with a blind acupuncturist (not that there's anything wrong with that, btw.....okay, it DOES sound a bit odd, doesn't it?)-the hospital affiliated with Big Important Clinic has an outpatient center that has, along with the usual mammograms and MRI's, an alternative wellness center. They work with a lot of BIC's patients who are going through IF treatment, and will work around the transfer times to make sure that you get your treatments in. They seemed very nice on the phone, and I go tomorrow afternoon for my consult. Hey, if anything it'll relax me a little bit, so I'm up for anything at this point.

So, about the whole PCOS thing..... I am planning to speak to the RE's about either getting further testing or going on Metformin-everything I've been reading is indicating that taking Met not only improves IF treatment success, but helps in possibly preventing miscarriage. If I'm lucky enough to get knocked up this time around I'd like to hedge my bets, if possible (and, if it's needed). It's a lot to process, really, but in a lot of ways it makes a lot of sense. Perhaps it's the "missing link" for us...who the hell knows. As long as it gets me pregnant (and keeps me that way), that's the important thing, right?

Stims, Day 7-Slow and Steady Wins the Race?

I've been staying on my 100iu of Follistim/10iu of Lupron for the past six nights. At my monitoring appointment this morning, after seeing my follicle count (three or four at 15mm, then a shitload less than 10) and being told that I'm to be seen daily from this point on, I asked how my E2 levels looked. Dr. C told me that it was over 400, which she was happy about, but she knew that this is the part of my cycle where my E2 levels start to take off, so she wants to be very cautious from this point on.

She must have made an accurate prediction, since the call from the nurse informed me that I need to reduce my Follistim to 75iu, stay on the same dose of Lupron, and that they'd see me in the office tomorrow morning.

Now, I did ask her this past week about the PCOS comment she made at my suppression check, and had a VERY interesting conversation. Apparently, I'm on the "PCOS spectrum", as far as BIC is concerned. I may get AF every month, however, my cycles tend to be on the longer side, I have gained weight that has seemed to collect around my midsection, have had some hair grow in odd places since I stopped birth control almost six years ago, the acne, and my ovaries present in a "classic" polycystic pattern (called PCO-polycystic ovaries), especially when stimmed (like now). Great, right? So, I asked her why nobody has ever explained this to me in the gazillion years we've been TTC, and she said that, with PCOS, not everyone has the "classic" signs of PCOS-you can have a few of the symptoms that could easily be explained away by other things. Unfortunately, for me, my ovaries and the way they react to Lupron and FSH are the main sign-my ovaries kind of looked like this at my supression check.

It freaks me out that, after all this time, my shitty ovaries are part (perhaps a BIG part) of the problem. It's looking like it ain't my shitty tube that's the issue, but my ovaries going haywire. I'm trying to get as much information about PCO as I can. It does make sense to me, though, so I'm not disagreeing with it at the moment.

I'm just hoping that this doesn't get all fucked up-that this cycle will be the right ingredients of science and luck. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Let's hope so.

Who Says Drugs Aren't Fun?

Yesterday I began my Follistim shots (100 iu), and HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT, I totally forgot how much they sting! Yah, it was like a shock as I was injecting it, and you could hear the "owowowowowowow this FUCKING HURTS" from around the corner last evening. It makes the Lupron look like a piece of cake.

So, I got up at the BUTT CRACK of dawn yesterday to be at BIC (sign in time was 5:58 am) to be drained of a vial of blood and a turn at the dildocam. The doctor on monitoring yesterday morning had an ultrasound tech with her for (what I'm assuming) is training, and as I'm getting violated probed, the RE indicated my Lupron-shrunken ovary and casually says, "And here you can see the classic PCOS follicle formation...." Uh....what? PCOS? I don't HAVE PCOS! At least, nobody told ME that I have PCOS! So now I'm having a mini-panic attack and will have to address it with her tomorrow at my first follicle check.

Okay, so........can we talk about how much the Lupron SUCKS this time around? I mean, really REALLY blows big monkey chunks? I was on 20 iu to start (I dropped to 10 as of last night) and wow....I really got the side effects this time around, especially the headaches. Luckily, last week's bout with the flu masked them for the week, but.....it feels like my head is in a vice ALL THE DAMN TIME. The Tylenol that I'm taking is doing absolutely nothing for it, either, and that (and Sudafed) is basically the only thing I can take at this point. I'm starting to think that the only cure for this is to repeatedly bash my head against a wall (taking a running start, of course), but then I'd have to explain the bruises and then Sean could possibly look like a wife-beater, and then I'd have to bail him out......you know the scene. I remarked on the Lupron Suckfest to Nurse Blondie yesterday afternoon when she called to give me the go-ahead on the FolliSTING, and she said that it would "get better soon"........well, WHEN!?! ARRRGH.

Oh, yeah.....I'm also having random moments of complete insanity mood swings as well, which is super fun for Sean. He's taken to tiptoeing around the house and rarely speaking above a whisper when around me, which is starting to make me feel like I have some incurable disease and annoys me even more. And the GAS..............let's just say that, thanks to me, we've been saving on heating costs the past two weeks. I'm also afraid to turn on the stove due to a gas explosion.

It should get better, right? I don't remember it being this bad. I'm chalking it up to the larger doses of Lupron, but I'm going to lose it if I have to feel like this for the next 7-10 days.

Hopefully it'll get better......soon....

I'm Alive.....

This morning is the first time since Saturday that I've woken up and felt somewhat human. Not like a piece of sludge, which has defined basically the last five days. I've forgotten just how shitty the flu actually is-I haven't had it in YEARS, and boy, it SUCKS. Poor Sean-he was such a good nurse, despite my moaning and bitching and lying in the fetal position on a sweat-soaked bed (yeah, can you say "SHITTY PATIENT"?? I know you can!) and calling for my mommy (yeah, I did that too-I have no shame). I'm still really tired and achy, though. And, suddenly my nose has become a mass of sticky, yellowish snot (sorry for the graphics there) that's making me really glad that I'm seeing the doctor this afternoon, since I'm probably getting a sinus infection on top of it all. Ah, well, I haven't had my yearly sinus infection yet, so I guess I'm well overdue.

But wow, that was a bad one. I haven't been that sick in a long time. One of the positives (besides missing work this whole week-no church job, no sick kids....YAY!) is that I lost FIVE pounds! Considering I subsisted on a diet of 4 pieces of toast, three cups of tea, water and a bowl of chinese chicken rice soup in the five days I was really bad, I can see why. *Sigh*-I know it'll come back on again, especially since I'll be starting stims once I get my Luproperiod. Which should be soon, since I've starting the brown sludgy spotting. I just need to make sure the doctor knows so if I need drugs she'll know what to prescribe.

So.....yeah......I'm seeing a new GP today. I've been meaning to switch for AGES, since my original docs (who I LOVE) are really really too far away for me to get to. Like, over an hour away. Which not only makes it inconvenient for appointments, but if I ever needed to be admitted to a hospital, I'm screwed. So, luckily my health insurance doesn't require that you declare a primary doctor, so I can go to anyone. My regular twatotologist's wife is an internist, and when I went to him back in October he gave me a referral. I did intend to make a well visit appointment, but you know.....life gets in the way. And, now, here I am.

Okay, I'm off to have the first real breakfast in about a week-more than toast, that is. Eggs! Coffee! Oooh....can't wait.....

Watch, my stomach will probably rebel and I'll end up in the bathroom today. But, it's worth it.

Ugh

Here's the mathematical equation for the day, folks:

20cc of Lupron + the flu=one miserable person.

Yup-I've got the flu. I didn't feel great on Saturday night (scratchy throat), but I thought that it was allergies, but then it hit me full force yesterday morning. Ever try to shoot up when you've got a fever of 101 degrees? Yeah, it blows. At least I really didn't feel it, due to the achy feeling that's running throughout my body. I mean, even my TOES hurt. Sheesh.

Well, at least I'm not feeling the Lupron side effects as much-I guess the flu cancels them out. So, instead of hot flashes, I've got the chills. I'd rather have the hot flashes, honestly. This just blows.

Watch......I bet I'll even get my period this week. Just to make it even MORE interesting. Because that's the kind of luck I have.

I'm off to re-dose myself with meds so I can crash again.....

My (Lupron) Buddy and Me

My sorry ass got up at 4:30 this morning so I could make it to BIC in time for my appointment this morning. Of course, when I got there I was told that it would be bloodletting only, and no date with the CrotchCam, which slightly annoyed me because (a). I obviously didn't have to worry about the grooming status of my poonanny, and (b). I COULD HAVE SLEPT LATER. Sheesh. But, there is a plus side to this-at least I didn't have that "slimy cooter feeling" that you get after a date with the Wand. I mean, REALLY......no flowers, candy or a nice dinner, just that ever-so-slightly slimy "morning after" feeling from the gel. I might as well have someone leave cab money on the bedside table as they walk out the door.....but I digress.

Hey, at least they WARM the damn gel first. You've got to be grateful for the little things when you do an IVF cycle.

Anyways, I got my blood drawn, got my protocol from the nurse on call this morning, and got my phone call telling me that tonight's the night to start my BFF, Loopy Lupron. 20 lovely units to be shot into my slightly less poochy abdomen. I'm SO looking forward to the hot flashes and headaches that will surely be here soon. But, we do what we must, right? Since I don't have a choice I'm just going to make Lupron-ade from my Lupron. Minus the syringe, of course. Unless I use it as a stirrer.......nah.....never mind.

So, the only snag in the cycle start is that I got a call from my IVF Coordinator, who confirmed that my twato sent my PAP results.....but that I didn't have any signed consent forms on file for this cycle. Figures, right? I mean, WHEN does a cycle go smoothly for me (or anyone else, for that matter)!? I was freaking out that I wouldn't be able to start my injections tonight, but she's going to fax me the consents tomorrow and I'll haul ass up to a friend's house to do the notarization (he's a lawyer-yay!). Whew-I thought I was going to have a stroke when she told me that, but it'll work out.

I've also decided on doing acupuncture again for this cycle, albeit with a different person. Not that I didn't like the last guy, but I want to try someone different, perhaps someone with more experience with infertility. The fact that I want to willingly subject myself to MORE needles is just proof that I'm really messed up in the head. Or that I have a needle fetish? You decide.

Well, I'm off to shoot up-perhaps I'll have a last glass of Chianti beforehand-it'll hurt less (and I'll be less inhibited, who knows). At least, that's my excuse right now.

Back on the (ART) Bandwagon

We've finally made our decision-it's time for IVF#4. I go on Tuesday morning to Big Important Clinic for bloodwork and a wanding (ah, Follicular Lurve Wand....how I've pined for thee!); if all goes well, I'll start Lupron that evening.

I am, quite honestly, scared shitless. It would be different if it were our first cycle-full of the optimism that it will surely work and we'll end up with twins and everything will be picture perfect, blah blah blah. Three IVF cycles, numerous FET's, and a lot of heartache later, Sean and I both know that there's no guarantees in this. We're both a bit jaded about it all; in some ways, we're sort of going through the motions with this-perhaps it's because we're unsure of the outcome (ie. a baby) or maybe it's because we've been through this before and we're used to the drill....I'm not sure.

That doesn't mean to say that the old whore named Hope isn't peeking her gnarly head through and pushing me along, because her saggy ass is definitely making her presence known. I've lost weight (a total of 14 pounds so far), have been eating healthier, am contemplating acupuncture again during this cycle and have made a solemn vow that I will absolutely let NOTHING stress me out at work. Not that this has any bearing whatsoever on the outcome of an IVF cycle, but I like to hedge my bets.....just in case. Hey, you never know, right?

I realized this morning that every single time I've cycled or done a FET, there was someone else in my life who was also cycling or TTC. Inadvertently, I ended up being somewhat of a "pregnancy magnet"-every single person (and I'm not kidding) ended up pregnant and had successful deliveries, and I ended up with BFN's. This time around, there is nobody that I know that is either currently TTC, either with ART or au naturale; it's just me (and those of you out there who are currently cycling). A sign, perhaps, that this could possibly work? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm as ready as I'll ever be, and I'll do everything in my power to maximize our last chance at this. The doctors are prepared (daily monitoring-what fun!), and I'm as prepared as I can be.

Let the games begin!

I Am So Boring as Hell

Okay......so I've got one of my resolutions down, at least. I've lost a total of 10 pounds so far. It actually might be more, but because I'm a little bloated due to the imminent onset of the Red Tide-I haven't actually weighed myself in the past few days, so as to not get frustrated. But, I feel great-AND I'm fitting into clothes that have been sitting in my closet, so it's like getting a new wardrobe. As for the "mental health" portion of my promise......well.....that one's harder to work on. It's not as if I don't want to; it's just that I'm not sure how to proceed on this-especially since I don't exactly want to broadcast that I'm seeing a therapist. I'm not ashamed, but it's private, you know? So, I think that tomorrow I'm going to call my RE's office and ask Nurse Blondie about it-my clinic has a counseling staff-and see where it gets me.

So.....what else? Well, other than waiting for the Red Tide to show up-nothing is going on. Which might be a good thing, but quite frankly it's a bit boring (and is also why I haven't been updating-I mean, does anyone REALLY want to hear all about my recipe for tomato-cilantro soup that i found on a low-carb blog? Or how my belly and ass are getting noticeably smaller? Nah....it's like watching paint dry, and I wouldn't put anyone through that).

Yah-I'm boring right now. But, I really think that it's the calm before the storm, and I'm taking full advantage of the quietness right now.

Resolutions

Thanks to everyone for the kind words about the Church Job Drama. I really don't think that it's going to improve any time soon, but I'm just going to try to hang in there, until I can't deal with it anymore. Unfortunately, Sean did decide to leave, as of this past Sunday, as well as G. It's sad, and it will be really weird not having them there, but it will end up being okay. I hope so, at least.

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I'm not usually the type of person who buys into the whole "New Year's Resolution" thing-more often than not, you usually are really diligent about whatever you're giving up or doing, then.....well, you fall off the wagon, right? But, I was really excited about seeing the door hit 2007 right smack in the ass. Let's recap 2007 with the following equation, shall we?

4th FET BFN + a repeat HSG with suprising results (an open tube-yay!) - a negative DNA/karyotyping (which was originally lost) - a negative thrombo panel - a gazillion pregnancy announcements = No Baby In My Belly.

So, on New Year's Eve I decided to make a promise to myself-to change my outlook, in preparation for IVF #4.

In keeping with this, I've decided two things:

-I'm going to make a definite effort to lose weight and get healthy. I've gained almost 30 pounds since starting the IF journey, and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore, especially since I can't fit into any of my clothes. So, I began doing the Sou.th Be.ach D.iet today (I've done it once before, and lost a TON of weight) and, starting next week, will be hitting the gym to get fit.

-Since I'm going to heal myself physically, I've also decided to heal emotionally. As in, I'm seriously thinking about seeing a therapist with a focus on IF. I'm starting to realize that I can't really handle this all on my own-I'm the type of person who feels that I don't need any help, that I can do it by myself. However, we all know that IF isn't exactly something you can easily deal with. I'm really starting to think that perhaps I'm depressed (no....really?, you're thinking...). I need someone who can help me deal with all of this soupy mess that is inside my head. The hard part is finding someone, though; so if anyone out there has any advice (or even know someone here in NJ), that would be great help.

As I said before, this "healing" is all the prep for IVF#4, which will be probably be starting sometime after I get my January period (I'm on CD 5 now); so, we're probably looking at a March retrieval and transfer. I feel as if I'm boxer training for the Heavyweight Title, and I have to train so I can be the best. In some ways, I'm training for the fight of my life.

If I lose this time, that's it............game over. Do not pass Go. And I don't think that I'm ready for that yet.

I still have some fight left in me.

"It's all good..."

So, here's the low-down on the Church Job Drama. I haven't been able to write about this, since it's so upsetting, but it's been over a month, so.....

Back in February, our pastor was transferred to the position of Vicar-General in the Archdiocese (a pretty big promotion). He was at our parish for almost 12 years, and we loved him. He was the one who hired A as Music Director, he supported the music program at the parish immensely. It was sad to see him move on, and we were reassured that the former Vicar-General (who was now going to be pastor) was wonderful.

Well, he wasn't so wonderful. Within the next few months, we had a nickname for him-Monsignor Speedy Gonzalez, for his tendency to rush through the Mass (he had even got the Mass down to 38 minutes one Sunday-with music, and an organ prelude and postlude). He also didn't seem to be a "people person", which isn't a great thing for a man who, as a part of his profession, has to minister to others....hmmm.....

It all started with A's meeting with him. Monsignor Speedy stated that he didn't "do high church", and that he wanted to make changes to make it more "efficient". Then it was the change of not reading the names of the sick out during the Intercessions (they're now in a "Book of Intentions" located in the church). Then it was changes to the music-less organ, less Latin, more piano, less care in the congregational singing.

Needless to say, it was worse for A than for any one of us-he had to deal with him more. Finally, in November, he couldn't deal with it anymore-after 10 years, he handed in his resignation, effective the end of November. The assistant organist was hired as Interim Director, and everything went on as scheduled.

The new director is NOT a choral director-he's not even that great of an organist, to be honest-he plays waaay too quickly, has no sense of cadence, but he is a body available. The Carol Sing went on as scheduled, with "changes"; a lot of the music cut, a few things added in that were more than cheesy, and no rehearsal time. This guy can't conduct worth a hill of beans, and he rehearses not for the benefit of the choir, but so that he can play the accompaniment (which he can't do anyway!)-after a hasty run-thru, he declares it as "that's good" and moves quickly on. He's not even prepared, with the exception of the prelude and postlude.

He's not really a leader-kind of wishy washy-so other choir members have decided to take up the slack and be leaders. Which leads to the "too many cooks in the kitchen" syndrome that's typical anywhere. Not to mention the backbiting, people leaving the choir outright rather than stay, and the mere fact the Monsignor Speedy decided to address all of this mess at the Carol Sing dress rehearsal, one month after A left. He was even stupid enough to "open the floor for some questions", which was a BIG mistake-it was like opening Pandora's Box.

Monsignor Speedy is ignorant. He doesn't care ultimately about what happens-he could care less about music in general. He doesn't get how the music can set the tone and actually enhance the liturgy, and elevate people to a level of prayerfulness. This is a guy who keeps calling me "Jessica"-he's been there for almost a year, and SIGNS my PAYCHECK and still doesn't know my name. This is a man who talks and laughs with another priest while the celebrant is saying the Consecration, for crying out loud. By the way, when he was confronted with it by a parishioner, he told them not to "tell him how to be a pastor".......is this guy FOR REAL??

People are leaving left and right. Morale is shit. Camelot is over. Sean and I are so upset-this parish was like another branch of our family, and it was a wonderful place to be. Sean is leaving the choir after Sunday's mass, and I'm trying to hang in as long as I can, but it's so damn disheartening. We've been both grieving this loss-our faith has been shaken and both of us have been unable for weeks to pray (or even receive Communion), we've been so angry and sad.

Whenever we've been driving up to church for the past few weeks, we've been having to mentally prepare ourselves for rehearsals and Masses, so we can get through the ineptitude. So, Sean's been saying, "It's all good...." every time something goes wrong. Unfortunately, the meaning behind it has become more and more sarcastic as the weeks have gone on. It's our code word for the situation, which has become seriously FUBAR.

If it's "all good", then why do I feel like shit, then?

Nothing, Nada, Niente

The results are in. Well......actually, the results were in last week, but in the craziness that is Holiday Winter Concert Season, I haven't been able to post until now.

The tests found nothing wrong with me. Not a thing. Nada. So there.

Granted, I am happy about that-I mean, I really don't need anything else wrong with me right now......seriously, infertility is more than enough. However, there's a part of me is a little disappointed, since if I had a thrombophilic disorder then maybe, just maybe, there'd be a missing piece to the puzzle as to why none of the IVF's haven't worked.

Is it fucked up that I sort of wanted another diagnosis? Perhaps. I just wanted a more concrete answer from the medical establishment, instead of "Well....we can't understand why this hasn't worked yet...". As much as I love Big Important Clinic, and think that they're awesome, any human being with that much medical experience who tells you that makes you more than slightly unnerved.

So. We're back to square one. Again. We've made the choice that we're going through our fourth (and probably last) cycle, probably starting the Long Lupron protocol in January or February, with a retrieval/transfer in March. I'm not sure how I feel about this right now. I do want to do the cycle, but I'm just so damn afraid that it will be another bust, and that I'll end up in some psych ward somewhere, because I won't be able to handle the failure. Hell, I already feel that way some days, so perhaps it really won't be that much different.

I'm just trying to distance myself from the whole fertility thing these days-self-preservation at it's best. And, although my IRL friends are trying to be as supportive as they can, considering they have no clue what I'm going through, it isn't helping me. They are trying to be hopeful for me, even though I feel as if there's no hope left. And, the upcoming holidays aren't helping either-this time of the year always makes me sad, because, to me, Christmas has increasingly become a holiday not of celebrating family, but mourning the family that I don't, and possibly can't ever, have. I have no desire to decorate, put up a tree, or even shop for family gifts. I'd be perfectly happy to just stay home, to be honest. But we all know that's not going to happen.

I also got not one, but three more pregnancy announcements in the past two months-even though they were two IVF-related pregnancy announcements (and one announcement from a fellow IF'er that was a natural conception), it still makes me so sad and angry. I'm angry at everyone lately, especially at God-WTF?? What the hell did I do that was so bad that I'm not pregnant?

Jaysus, it seems that all I ever do these days is whinge and whine when I post. Sorry for being Debbie Downer and all, but it's just that kind of lifetime, know what I mean?

Next posting will be all about the Church Job Drama; and trust me, it's a doozy.

Do-Over

I just realized that, in my blechness of being ill, I forgot to update on the Thrombophilia Panel Saga of a few weeks ago.

In our last installment, I was on the phone with my IVF Coordinator, trying to get the results of the bloodwork that I had done on October 16th (which, incidentally, was my grandmother's birthday....how ironic....). I was told by the Coordinator (who I've monikered "The Great Deceiver"-you'll see why in a second) to call back that Friday, 11/2, and the results should be in.

So I called. To find out that The Great Deceiver was out of the office that day. And I didn't leave a message, figuring that I'd call back on Monday morning. Which I did-only to find out that her voicemail hadn't changed from Friday, and I left a message. I never heard from her, so I called back on Tuesday and got the SAME VOICEMAIL MESSAGE (because you never get her "live" during business hours) saying she was out on "Friday". Assuming that she was still out (sick?), I called Dr. Pipsqueak's admin and left a message detailing the whole mess. She called me back that afternoon around 4:45 letting me know that TGD was actually in the office, and that she had already let her know that I had called, and that she was going to personally walk down to her desk to remind her to call me. She sounded peeved, and I assumed that it was because I was calling her instead of TGD. I felt badly for about a total of a minute, but figured that it was worth it to get a call back.

Which of course, I didn't. And then, the shit hit the fan the next day.

I called the admin back on Wednesday and left a pissy message that I have yet to hear from anyone about the bloodwork I had FOUR WEEKS previously, did I need to make an appointment to go over results or would I get results over the phone, blah blah blah. I also left a terse email to TGD saying the same thing. Which FINALLY got a response from TGD in the form of a snotty phone call saying, "Well.....I THINK I have all the results, and I'll forward them on to the doctor who will call you, as I DON'T GIVE OUT TEST RESULTS". To which my reply was, "Well, perhaps if you TOLD ME THAT to begin with, I wouldn't be calling you constantly-but, then again, perhaps if you also RESPONDED TO MY MESSAGES you'd know that". And hung up on her. Bitch.

Admin called me back the next afternoon, and firmly told me that "TGD spoke to you and told you that Dr. Pipsqueak would be calling you with the results". I relayed that I had already spoken to her and gave her the play-by-play of the conversation, told her that it was the first time I had heard from her since the end of October, and that I wouldn't even be bothering her if I didn't think that TGD was still out of the office. There was a silence on the phone, then I was asked, "You mean, she didn't even call you back when you called the first time? I walked down to her desk last week and told her personally that she needed to call you back." Well, nope, she sure as hell didn't.

The upshot of the conversation was that, apparently, The Great Deceiver does this "a lot" and admin has heard this story before from other patients. She gave me TGD's manager's name and let me know that I needed to make a complaint to her so she knew what was going on. Which I did, because I don't let people fuck with me. EVER.

And, the results, you ask? Well.........I still don't know yet. Nurse Blondie called and left a message on Monday that she wanted to go over the results, it "wasn't urgent" but they needed a test repeated, and the doctor wanted to know if I was taking any medications or herbs that would affect the test results, which I'm not-I made sure that I was taking absolutely nothing for about four days before the blood was drawn. One of the tests, the Lupus Anticoagulant Panel, came back with high levels, so I had to have a regular PT/PTT done. I had the blood drawn Friday, and hopefully they'll get the results today or tomorrow and I'll hear sometime this week from the doctor. Nurse Blondie sent me the funky results along with the labslip, and it was interesting seeing the results on paper. Although....I'm not sure why the hell it would be a high clotting time-shouldn't it be lower if you have a thrombophilia disorder? Perhaps it's what the use in the culture medium that's different than a normal PT/PTT. If any of you out there have any clue as to what the hell it means, please let me know, since I'm a bit ignorant about this.....

Either way, I get the sneaking suspicion that they've found something (since Nurse Blondie stressed that she wasn't the one to be able to tell me the results, and that the doctor would be the best one to talk to), and they're just confirming the obvious.

So.....that's where we're at. I'll update when I get more information......

Hmmm.....

So.....should I be insulted, worried, or excited about this?

You Are The Fool

You are a fascinating person who is way beyond the concerns of this world. Young at heart, you are blissfully unaware of any dangers ahead. You are a true wanderer - it has be difficult finding your place in this world. Full of confidence, you are likely to take a leap of faith. Your fortune: You are about to embark on a new phase in your life. This may mean changing locations, jobs, friends, or love status. You are open about what the future will bring, and free of worry. You have made your peace with fate, and you're ready to start down your new path.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Anywhoo......Turkey Day went well-too much food, and lots of family around. We went yesterday to my parents and stayed overnight. I haven't been feeling well the past few days-nauseated, headache, just blechy feeling, and there's some stomach virus going 'round (I actually was "in vomitus flagrante" this afternoon), but otherwise, it's better than being at work, right?

At least, that's how I'm trying to justify it. Oh, well.

Hope all of my colonialist friends had a great Thanksgiving, and for my European friends, hope the weekend is going well.....

Personal Purgatory

It's been really difficult for me to blog lately. Not because I hate people, or that I don't care about anyone else out there. But, it's getting hard to really express myself. Call it writer's block, perhaps; but for me there are so many emotions and monologues running around in my head that I'm afraid to let out, so as not to seem bitter, angry and.....well.........insane, really.

But it's also getting hard to keep all of this inside. Sooner or later it's going to explode, like a volcano. And, like a volcano, it will be impossible to clean up.

Since turning 35 about three weeks or so ago, the thought that perhaps this won't work out for me has been eating away at my psyche. There's been the various pregnancy announcements (two in the last month alone) and, although I am happy for those people, the bitterness that I feel rises up like bile in my throat and chokes back those good wishes. And then, I feel so guilty, because I can't understand why I just can't be happy for someone's good news without first thinking of my own pain. I feel so selfish and self-absorbed-like I can't be the better person. And then I feel even worse.

Some days I wake up and I'm okay-I don't think of my infertility every five minutes. Other days I wake up and go through the day waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I feel as if I have my guard up constantly so as to not feel the pain. Oftentimes, I wake up feeling numb, as if I'm just going through the motions. As if its one more day in the life sentence that is infertility, and that it ain't going to change anytime soon-sort of like an axe murderer on a life sentence without the possibility of parole. Except that axe murderer more than likely has children who'll visit once a month.

Our friends and family have stopped asking us about it, and, while it is a relief in some ways not to feel that pressure, I'm not sure that people not asking us is any better. Perhaps they're afraid to bring it up because they don't want to hear it, or hear more crappy news. Or, perhaps they've given up on us ever having children at all.

I think it hit home the most when I redid my blog template and went through my blogroll. Out of the people that I originally started this journey with, I am the last person left without children. In fact, the majority of the people there have their babies or are pregnant. And, that hurts like hell. I get so angry, not at the people who've moved on, mind you, but at God that he's left me alone. I've more than paid my dues. I've gone through hell with treatments and procedures, prayed, visited shrines, had the Evil Eye removed, bought energy beads, and all for nothing. And if one more person tells me to "think positive" and read that horrible Sec.ret book I'll rip their eyes out with a spork. Seriously. Why put me through all of this? Why show me everyone else who can have children, and leave me standing on my own? What's the point of that? What do I need to learn from this that I haven't already been taught, the hard way?

I feel that life is moving forward, and yet I'm being left behind. I don't feel as if I'm alive, just living day to day in a perpetual state of waiting, much like the souls in Purgatory that are waiting for redemption and acceptance into Heaven. All I know is that I'm 35 years old and the mother of none, and as that number creeps forward the possibility of motherhood gets slimmer. What do I have to show for it? A box of unused syringes, unused meds on the top shelf of our fridge, some alcohol swabs, and a lot of insurance receipts. That's all. No children's laughter in our home. Just an empty room in our house painted yellow and white in expectation of things that may never come to fruition. A room with a door that's now kept closed so we're not reminded of it's presence. So we don't hear it mocking us for painting it those colors to begin with, and for being so naive and optimistic when we should have been on our guard.

I really feel as if I'm drowning. What happened to the person I was before? Did that person really exist to begin with? How do I define myself if I can't be a mother? I don't know who I am anymore. And that scares the shit out of me.

See, I told you I'm going off the deep end.