Thursday, February 22, 2007

Pity Party-Table for One

Well folks, the pity party is in full swing.

To say that I'm disappointed is an understatement. To say that I'm absolutely gutted is probably more accurate. I cried my eyes out on Monday-literally. I actually broke a blood vessel in my left eye due to all the crying and blowing of the nose, so now I look AND feel like shit.
The "crime scene" also arrived promptly yesterday at lunchtime, and what a doozy it is. I had forgotten just how much I adore the After Progesterone Period-large clots and all. Wonderfuckingful. And then, Murphy's Law being a cruel thing with a nasty sense of humor, I had to wait in the self-serve line to buy the mega-box of Tampax at the supermarket next to a hugely pregnant woman, who was on a junk food binge, from looking at her handbasket.

*Sigh* Just another day in my fucked-up existence.

I'm angry, fuming. What the hell did I do wrong? Why won't this work for me? Why the hell do I have to be still in this position?

Of course, there are no answers-at least, not as of yet. But I seriously doubt that there will be any. I mean, what will be said "Oh, well, it's just the luck of the draw......your eggs are great, sperm is great, uterine lining was wonderful, hormone levels were spot-on....". See, I don't need the follow-up appointment-I can just recite that and save the gas money. But I DO want answers-we only have one more shot at this, and then we have to throw in the towel (unless we hit the lottery, then its FREE CYCLES FOR EVERYONE!), so I want to make sure that they are doing everything possible to get me (and keep me) pregnant. And, it keeps coming back to what's inside my body-those tubes. I don't know what they look like, nor does any doctor. Should they do an exploratory lap to find out exactly what's going on? I don't know. Dr. Pipsqueak doesn't think so-she's afraid that it will create scar tissue. But if it's fucked up in there already, what more harm can it do? Not that I want surgery, mind you; but I am so afraid of doing another cycle and having it fail.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to cry, but there are no tears left-just bitterness.


Sunny Jenny said...

Let your party last as long as you'd like, every BFN is heart breaking. I am so sorry you're here now.

Anna said...

I'm just heartbroken for you and Sean. I am so sorry you're going through this now. I wish desperately that things were different. I am so, so sorry. Hang in there. You're in my thoughts.

Shelli said...

exploratory lap wouldn't hurt - I think it's arthroscopic - but you've had the HSG, right? that's how they found the tube drama, if I recall?

Oh honey - this just sucks. I keep thinking how Brooke Shields took EIGHT FREAKING IVFS to get and stay preggers - how is that fair to anyone - I keep thinking that I'd write to Donald Trump and ask him for money for IVF. I mean seriously! Who needs THAT many gold toilet flushing parts when people out there need stuff! Drives me batty.

I'll play the lottery for you, too.

love you.

Jessica said...

Shelli has a great idea! Perhaps a new show series for Donald Trump on funding the infertile. Anyway it's ridiculous and one person shouldn't have to suffer this much pain.
You can pity party it up as long as you need to. I just hope this journey ends soon on a good note. If there was only something I could do.... you know I would. :(

Kimmer said...

If you have hydro tubes that could explain why things aren't sticking around. I say go for the lap. The find all kind of problems with the lap that they can't see through HSG's or saline u/s's. Also have you had a hysterocsocpy? That's how the found my septum.
Lap is a real small incision and recovery of only a couple of days. No biggie really I've had several. I'm sorry and good luck with your next journey!

Infertile Girl said...

So sorry this just breaks my heart. I get what you mean about your co-workers. My freaking father in law is the adulterer of the year, has boatloads of mone, treats his kids like shit and spends it all on his mistresses while we go through infertility, infuriates me....VENT SCREAM it isn't fair to you. If I get a windfall I will make sure to pay it forward.

Lut C. said...

Pity parties to spare in the IF blogosphere, but never for one.

It must be absolutely terrifying to have only one shot left. That truly sucks.

Cat said...

Crap... digging oneself out from under a pile of green goo to find this. Poop, drat, fuck. What can I say luv but I'm shaking a fist at the heavens for you and sending you a lot of love.

Infertility not only sucks it is not fair ever.

The Town Criers said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. This just sucks--in every imaginable way.