Okay......so I've got one of my resolutions down, at least. I've lost a total of 10 pounds so far. It actually might be more, but because I'm a little bloated due to the imminent onset of the Red Tide-I haven't actually weighed myself in the past few days, so as to not get frustrated. But, I feel great-AND I'm fitting into clothes that have been sitting in my closet, so it's like getting a new wardrobe. As for the "mental health" portion of my promise......well.....that one's harder to work on. It's not as if I don't want to; it's just that I'm not sure how to proceed on this-especially since I don't exactly want to broadcast that I'm seeing a therapist. I'm not ashamed, but it's private, you know? So, I think that tomorrow I'm going to call my RE's office and ask Nurse Blondie about it-my clinic has a counseling staff-and see where it gets me.
So.....what else? Well, other than waiting for the Red Tide to show up-nothing is going on. Which might be a good thing, but quite frankly it's a bit boring (and is also why I haven't been updating-I mean, does anyone REALLY want to hear all about my recipe for tomato-cilantro soup that i found on a low-carb blog? Or how my belly and ass are getting noticeably smaller? Nah....it's like watching paint dry, and I wouldn't put anyone through that).
Yah-I'm boring right now. But, I really think that it's the calm before the storm, and I'm taking full advantage of the quietness right now.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Resolutions
Thanks to everyone for the kind words about the Church Job Drama. I really don't think that it's going to improve any time soon, but I'm just going to try to hang in there, until I can't deal with it anymore. Unfortunately, Sean did decide to leave, as of this past Sunday, as well as G. It's sad, and it will be really weird not having them there, but it will end up being okay. I hope so, at least.
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I'm not usually the type of person who buys into the whole "New Year's Resolution" thing-more often than not, you usually are really diligent about whatever you're giving up or doing, then.....well, you fall off the wagon, right? But, I was really excited about seeing the door hit 2007 right smack in the ass. Let's recap 2007 with the following equation, shall we?
4th FET BFN + a repeat HSG with suprising results (an open tube-yay!) - a negative DNA/karyotyping (which was originally lost) - a negative thrombo panel - a gazillion pregnancy announcements = No Baby In My Belly.
So, on New Year's Eve I decided to make a promise to myself-to change my outlook, in preparation for IVF #4.
In keeping with this, I've decided two things:
-I'm going to make a definite effort to lose weight and get healthy. I've gained almost 30 pounds since starting the IF journey, and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore, especially since I can't fit into any of my clothes. So, I began doing the Sou.th Be.ach D.iet today (I've done it once before, and lost a TON of weight) and, starting next week, will be hitting the gym to get fit.
-Since I'm going to heal myself physically, I've also decided to heal emotionally. As in, I'm seriously thinking about seeing a therapist with a focus on IF. I'm starting to realize that I can't really handle this all on my own-I'm the type of person who feels that I don't need any help, that I can do it by myself. However, we all know that IF isn't exactly something you can easily deal with. I'm really starting to think that perhaps I'm depressed (no....really?, you're thinking...). I need someone who can help me deal with all of this soupy mess that is inside my head. The hard part is finding someone, though; so if anyone out there has any advice (or even know someone here in NJ), that would be great help.
As I said before, this "healing" is all the prep for IVF#4, which will be probably be starting sometime after I get my January period (I'm on CD 5 now); so, we're probably looking at a March retrieval and transfer. I feel as if I'm boxer training for the Heavyweight Title, and I have to train so I can be the best. In some ways, I'm training for the fight of my life.
If I lose this time, that's it............game over. Do not pass Go. And I don't think that I'm ready for that yet.
I still have some fight left in me.
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I'm not usually the type of person who buys into the whole "New Year's Resolution" thing-more often than not, you usually are really diligent about whatever you're giving up or doing, then.....well, you fall off the wagon, right? But, I was really excited about seeing the door hit 2007 right smack in the ass. Let's recap 2007 with the following equation, shall we?
4th FET BFN + a repeat HSG with suprising results (an open tube-yay!) - a negative DNA/karyotyping (which was originally lost) - a negative thrombo panel - a gazillion pregnancy announcements = No Baby In My Belly.
So, on New Year's Eve I decided to make a promise to myself-to change my outlook, in preparation for IVF #4.
In keeping with this, I've decided two things:
-I'm going to make a definite effort to lose weight and get healthy. I've gained almost 30 pounds since starting the IF journey, and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore, especially since I can't fit into any of my clothes. So, I began doing the Sou.th Be.ach D.iet today (I've done it once before, and lost a TON of weight) and, starting next week, will be hitting the gym to get fit.
-Since I'm going to heal myself physically, I've also decided to heal emotionally. As in, I'm seriously thinking about seeing a therapist with a focus on IF. I'm starting to realize that I can't really handle this all on my own-I'm the type of person who feels that I don't need any help, that I can do it by myself. However, we all know that IF isn't exactly something you can easily deal with. I'm really starting to think that perhaps I'm depressed (no....really?, you're thinking...). I need someone who can help me deal with all of this soupy mess that is inside my head. The hard part is finding someone, though; so if anyone out there has any advice (or even know someone here in NJ), that would be great help.
As I said before, this "healing" is all the prep for IVF#4, which will be probably be starting sometime after I get my January period (I'm on CD 5 now); so, we're probably looking at a March retrieval and transfer. I feel as if I'm boxer training for the Heavyweight Title, and I have to train so I can be the best. In some ways, I'm training for the fight of my life.
If I lose this time, that's it............game over. Do not pass Go. And I don't think that I'm ready for that yet.
I still have some fight left in me.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
"It's all good..."
So, here's the low-down on the Church Job Drama. I haven't been able to write about this, since it's so upsetting, but it's been over a month, so.....
Back in February, our pastor was transferred to the position of Vicar-General in the Archdiocese (a pretty big promotion). He was at our parish for almost 12 years, and we loved him. He was the one who hired A as Music Director, he supported the music program at the parish immensely. It was sad to see him move on, and we were reassured that the former Vicar-General (who was now going to be pastor) was wonderful.
Well, he wasn't so wonderful. Within the next few months, we had a nickname for him-Monsignor Speedy Gonzalez, for his tendency to rush through the Mass (he had even got the Mass down to 38 minutes one Sunday-with music, and an organ prelude and postlude). He also didn't seem to be a "people person", which isn't a great thing for a man who, as a part of his profession, has to minister to others....hmmm.....
It all started with A's meeting with him. Monsignor Speedy stated that he didn't "do high church", and that he wanted to make changes to make it more "efficient". Then it was the change of not reading the names of the sick out during the Intercessions (they're now in a "Book of Intentions" located in the church). Then it was changes to the music-less organ, less Latin, more piano, less care in the congregational singing.
Needless to say, it was worse for A than for any one of us-he had to deal with him more. Finally, in November, he couldn't deal with it anymore-after 10 years, he handed in his resignation, effective the end of November. The assistant organist was hired as Interim Director, and everything went on as scheduled.
The new director is NOT a choral director-he's not even that great of an organist, to be honest-he plays waaay too quickly, has no sense of cadence, but he is a body available. The Carol Sing went on as scheduled, with "changes"; a lot of the music cut, a few things added in that were more than cheesy, and no rehearsal time. This guy can't conduct worth a hill of beans, and he rehearses not for the benefit of the choir, but so that he can play the accompaniment (which he can't do anyway!)-after a hasty run-thru, he declares it as "that's good" and moves quickly on. He's not even prepared, with the exception of the prelude and postlude.
He's not really a leader-kind of wishy washy-so other choir members have decided to take up the slack and be leaders. Which leads to the "too many cooks in the kitchen" syndrome that's typical anywhere. Not to mention the backbiting, people leaving the choir outright rather than stay, and the mere fact the Monsignor Speedy decided to address all of this mess at the Carol Sing dress rehearsal, one month after A left. He was even stupid enough to "open the floor for some questions", which was a BIG mistake-it was like opening Pandora's Box.
Monsignor Speedy is ignorant. He doesn't care ultimately about what happens-he could care less about music in general. He doesn't get how the music can set the tone and actually enhance the liturgy, and elevate people to a level of prayerfulness. This is a guy who keeps calling me "Jessica"-he's been there for almost a year, and SIGNS my PAYCHECK and still doesn't know my name. This is a man who talks and laughs with another priest while the celebrant is saying the Consecration, for crying out loud. By the way, when he was confronted with it by a parishioner, he told them not to "tell him how to be a pastor".......is this guy FOR REAL??
People are leaving left and right. Morale is shit. Camelot is over. Sean and I are so upset-this parish was like another branch of our family, and it was a wonderful place to be. Sean is leaving the choir after Sunday's mass, and I'm trying to hang in as long as I can, but it's so damn disheartening. We've been both grieving this loss-our faith has been shaken and both of us have been unable for weeks to pray (or even receive Communion), we've been so angry and sad.
Whenever we've been driving up to church for the past few weeks, we've been having to mentally prepare ourselves for rehearsals and Masses, so we can get through the ineptitude. So, Sean's been saying, "It's all good...." every time something goes wrong. Unfortunately, the meaning behind it has become more and more sarcastic as the weeks have gone on. It's our code word for the situation, which has become seriously FUBAR.
If it's "all good", then why do I feel like shit, then?
Back in February, our pastor was transferred to the position of Vicar-General in the Archdiocese (a pretty big promotion). He was at our parish for almost 12 years, and we loved him. He was the one who hired A as Music Director, he supported the music program at the parish immensely. It was sad to see him move on, and we were reassured that the former Vicar-General (who was now going to be pastor) was wonderful.
Well, he wasn't so wonderful. Within the next few months, we had a nickname for him-Monsignor Speedy Gonzalez, for his tendency to rush through the Mass (he had even got the Mass down to 38 minutes one Sunday-with music, and an organ prelude and postlude). He also didn't seem to be a "people person", which isn't a great thing for a man who, as a part of his profession, has to minister to others....hmmm.....
It all started with A's meeting with him. Monsignor Speedy stated that he didn't "do high church", and that he wanted to make changes to make it more "efficient". Then it was the change of not reading the names of the sick out during the Intercessions (they're now in a "Book of Intentions" located in the church). Then it was changes to the music-less organ, less Latin, more piano, less care in the congregational singing.
Needless to say, it was worse for A than for any one of us-he had to deal with him more. Finally, in November, he couldn't deal with it anymore-after 10 years, he handed in his resignation, effective the end of November. The assistant organist was hired as Interim Director, and everything went on as scheduled.
The new director is NOT a choral director-he's not even that great of an organist, to be honest-he plays waaay too quickly, has no sense of cadence, but he is a body available. The Carol Sing went on as scheduled, with "changes"; a lot of the music cut, a few things added in that were more than cheesy, and no rehearsal time. This guy can't conduct worth a hill of beans, and he rehearses not for the benefit of the choir, but so that he can play the accompaniment (which he can't do anyway!)-after a hasty run-thru, he declares it as "that's good" and moves quickly on. He's not even prepared, with the exception of the prelude and postlude.
He's not really a leader-kind of wishy washy-so other choir members have decided to take up the slack and be leaders. Which leads to the "too many cooks in the kitchen" syndrome that's typical anywhere. Not to mention the backbiting, people leaving the choir outright rather than stay, and the mere fact the Monsignor Speedy decided to address all of this mess at the Carol Sing dress rehearsal, one month after A left. He was even stupid enough to "open the floor for some questions", which was a BIG mistake-it was like opening Pandora's Box.
Monsignor Speedy is ignorant. He doesn't care ultimately about what happens-he could care less about music in general. He doesn't get how the music can set the tone and actually enhance the liturgy, and elevate people to a level of prayerfulness. This is a guy who keeps calling me "Jessica"-he's been there for almost a year, and SIGNS my PAYCHECK and still doesn't know my name. This is a man who talks and laughs with another priest while the celebrant is saying the Consecration, for crying out loud. By the way, when he was confronted with it by a parishioner, he told them not to "tell him how to be a pastor".......is this guy FOR REAL??
People are leaving left and right. Morale is shit. Camelot is over. Sean and I are so upset-this parish was like another branch of our family, and it was a wonderful place to be. Sean is leaving the choir after Sunday's mass, and I'm trying to hang in as long as I can, but it's so damn disheartening. We've been both grieving this loss-our faith has been shaken and both of us have been unable for weeks to pray (or even receive Communion), we've been so angry and sad.
Whenever we've been driving up to church for the past few weeks, we've been having to mentally prepare ourselves for rehearsals and Masses, so we can get through the ineptitude. So, Sean's been saying, "It's all good...." every time something goes wrong. Unfortunately, the meaning behind it has become more and more sarcastic as the weeks have gone on. It's our code word for the situation, which has become seriously FUBAR.
If it's "all good", then why do I feel like shit, then?
Friday, December 14, 2007
Nothing, Nada, Niente
The results are in. Well......actually, the results were in last week, but in the craziness that is Holiday Winter Concert Season, I haven't been able to post until now.
The tests found nothing wrong with me. Not a thing. Nada. So there.
Granted, I am happy about that-I mean, I really don't need anything else wrong with me right now......seriously, infertility is more than enough. However, there's a part of me is a little disappointed, since if I had a thrombophilic disorder then maybe, just maybe, there'd be a missing piece to the puzzle as to why none of the IVF's haven't worked.
Is it fucked up that I sort of wanted another diagnosis? Perhaps. I just wanted a more concrete answer from the medical establishment, instead of "Well....we can't understand why this hasn't worked yet...". As much as I love Big Important Clinic, and think that they're awesome, any human being with that much medical experience who tells you that makes you more than slightly unnerved.
So. We're back to square one. Again. We've made the choice that we're going through our fourth (and probably last) cycle, probably starting the Long Lupron protocol in January or February, with a retrieval/transfer in March. I'm not sure how I feel about this right now. I do want to do the cycle, but I'm just so damn afraid that it will be another bust, and that I'll end up in some psych ward somewhere, because I won't be able to handle the failure. Hell, I already feel that way some days, so perhaps it really won't be that much different.
I'm just trying to distance myself from the whole fertility thing these days-self-preservation at it's best. And, although my IRL friends are trying to be as supportive as they can, considering they have no clue what I'm going through, it isn't helping me. They are trying to be hopeful for me, even though I feel as if there's no hope left. And, the upcoming holidays aren't helping either-this time of the year always makes me sad, because, to me, Christmas has increasingly become a holiday not of celebrating family, but mourning the family that I don't, and possibly can't ever, have. I have no desire to decorate, put up a tree, or even shop for family gifts. I'd be perfectly happy to just stay home, to be honest. But we all know that's not going to happen.
I also got not one, but three more pregnancy announcements in the past two months-even though they were two IVF-related pregnancy announcements (and one announcement from a fellow IF'er that was a natural conception), it still makes me so sad and angry. I'm angry at everyone lately, especially at God-WTF?? What the hell did I do that was so bad that I'm not pregnant?
Jaysus, it seems that all I ever do these days is whinge and whine when I post. Sorry for being Debbie Downer and all, but it's just that kind of lifetime, know what I mean?
Next posting will be all about the Church Job Drama; and trust me, it's a doozy.
The tests found nothing wrong with me. Not a thing. Nada. So there.
Granted, I am happy about that-I mean, I really don't need anything else wrong with me right now......seriously, infertility is more than enough. However, there's a part of me is a little disappointed, since if I had a thrombophilic disorder then maybe, just maybe, there'd be a missing piece to the puzzle as to why none of the IVF's haven't worked.
Is it fucked up that I sort of wanted another diagnosis? Perhaps. I just wanted a more concrete answer from the medical establishment, instead of "Well....we can't understand why this hasn't worked yet...". As much as I love Big Important Clinic, and think that they're awesome, any human being with that much medical experience who tells you that makes you more than slightly unnerved.
So. We're back to square one. Again. We've made the choice that we're going through our fourth (and probably last) cycle, probably starting the Long Lupron protocol in January or February, with a retrieval/transfer in March. I'm not sure how I feel about this right now. I do want to do the cycle, but I'm just so damn afraid that it will be another bust, and that I'll end up in some psych ward somewhere, because I won't be able to handle the failure. Hell, I already feel that way some days, so perhaps it really won't be that much different.
I'm just trying to distance myself from the whole fertility thing these days-self-preservation at it's best. And, although my IRL friends are trying to be as supportive as they can, considering they have no clue what I'm going through, it isn't helping me. They are trying to be hopeful for me, even though I feel as if there's no hope left. And, the upcoming holidays aren't helping either-this time of the year always makes me sad, because, to me, Christmas has increasingly become a holiday not of celebrating family, but mourning the family that I don't, and possibly can't ever, have. I have no desire to decorate, put up a tree, or even shop for family gifts. I'd be perfectly happy to just stay home, to be honest. But we all know that's not going to happen.
I also got not one, but three more pregnancy announcements in the past two months-even though they were two IVF-related pregnancy announcements (and one announcement from a fellow IF'er that was a natural conception), it still makes me so sad and angry. I'm angry at everyone lately, especially at God-WTF?? What the hell did I do that was so bad that I'm not pregnant?
Jaysus, it seems that all I ever do these days is whinge and whine when I post. Sorry for being Debbie Downer and all, but it's just that kind of lifetime, know what I mean?
Next posting will be all about the Church Job Drama; and trust me, it's a doozy.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Do-Over
I just realized that, in my blechness of being ill, I forgot to update on the Thrombophilia Panel Saga of a few weeks ago.
In our last installment, I was on the phone with my IVF Coordinator, trying to get the results of the bloodwork that I had done on October 16th (which, incidentally, was my grandmother's birthday....how ironic....). I was told by the Coordinator (who I've monikered "The Great Deceiver"-you'll see why in a second) to call back that Friday, 11/2, and the results should be in.
So I called. To find out that The Great Deceiver was out of the office that day. And I didn't leave a message, figuring that I'd call back on Monday morning. Which I did-only to find out that her voicemail hadn't changed from Friday, and I left a message. I never heard from her, so I called back on Tuesday and got the SAME VOICEMAIL MESSAGE (because you never get her "live" during business hours) saying she was out on "Friday". Assuming that she was still out (sick?), I called Dr. Pipsqueak's admin and left a message detailing the whole mess. She called me back that afternoon around 4:45 letting me know that TGD was actually in the office, and that she had already let her know that I had called, and that she was going to personally walk down to her desk to remind her to call me. She sounded peeved, and I assumed that it was because I was calling her instead of TGD. I felt badly for about a total of a minute, but figured that it was worth it to get a call back.
Which of course, I didn't. And then, the shit hit the fan the next day.
I called the admin back on Wednesday and left a pissy message that I have yet to hear from anyone about the bloodwork I had FOUR WEEKS previously, did I need to make an appointment to go over results or would I get results over the phone, blah blah blah. I also left a terse email to TGD saying the same thing. Which FINALLY got a response from TGD in the form of a snotty phone call saying, "Well.....I THINK I have all the results, and I'll forward them on to the doctor who will call you, as I DON'T GIVE OUT TEST RESULTS". To which my reply was, "Well, perhaps if you TOLD ME THAT to begin with, I wouldn't be calling you constantly-but, then again, perhaps if you also RESPONDED TO MY MESSAGES you'd know that". And hung up on her. Bitch.
Admin called me back the next afternoon, and firmly told me that "TGD spoke to you and told you that Dr. Pipsqueak would be calling you with the results". I relayed that I had already spoken to her and gave her the play-by-play of the conversation, told her that it was the first time I had heard from her since the end of October, and that I wouldn't even be bothering her if I didn't think that TGD was still out of the office. There was a silence on the phone, then I was asked, "You mean, she didn't even call you back when you called the first time? I walked down to her desk last week and told her personally that she needed to call you back." Well, nope, she sure as hell didn't.
The upshot of the conversation was that, apparently, The Great Deceiver does this "a lot" and admin has heard this story before from other patients. She gave me TGD's manager's name and let me know that I needed to make a complaint to her so she knew what was going on. Which I did, because I don't let people fuck with me. EVER.
And, the results, you ask? Well.........I still don't know yet. Nurse Blondie called and left a message on Monday that she wanted to go over the results, it "wasn't urgent" but they needed a test repeated, and the doctor wanted to know if I was taking any medications or herbs that would affect the test results, which I'm not-I made sure that I was taking absolutely nothing for about four days before the blood was drawn. One of the tests, the Lupus Anticoagulant Panel, came back with high levels, so I had to have a regular PT/PTT done. I had the blood drawn Friday, and hopefully they'll get the results today or tomorrow and I'll hear sometime this week from the doctor. Nurse Blondie sent me the funky results along with the labslip, and it was interesting seeing the results on paper. Although....I'm not sure why the hell it would be a high clotting time-shouldn't it be lower if you have a thrombophilia disorder? Perhaps it's what the use in the culture medium that's different than a normal PT/PTT. If any of you out there have any clue as to what the hell it means, please let me know, since I'm a bit ignorant about this.....
Either way, I get the sneaking suspicion that they've found something (since Nurse Blondie stressed that she wasn't the one to be able to tell me the results, and that the doctor would be the best one to talk to), and they're just confirming the obvious.
So.....that's where we're at. I'll update when I get more information......
In our last installment, I was on the phone with my IVF Coordinator, trying to get the results of the bloodwork that I had done on October 16th (which, incidentally, was my grandmother's birthday....how ironic....). I was told by the Coordinator (who I've monikered "The Great Deceiver"-you'll see why in a second) to call back that Friday, 11/2, and the results should be in.
So I called. To find out that The Great Deceiver was out of the office that day. And I didn't leave a message, figuring that I'd call back on Monday morning. Which I did-only to find out that her voicemail hadn't changed from Friday, and I left a message. I never heard from her, so I called back on Tuesday and got the SAME VOICEMAIL MESSAGE (because you never get her "live" during business hours) saying she was out on "Friday". Assuming that she was still out (sick?), I called Dr. Pipsqueak's admin and left a message detailing the whole mess. She called me back that afternoon around 4:45 letting me know that TGD was actually in the office, and that she had already let her know that I had called, and that she was going to personally walk down to her desk to remind her to call me. She sounded peeved, and I assumed that it was because I was calling her instead of TGD. I felt badly for about a total of a minute, but figured that it was worth it to get a call back.
Which of course, I didn't. And then, the shit hit the fan the next day.
I called the admin back on Wednesday and left a pissy message that I have yet to hear from anyone about the bloodwork I had FOUR WEEKS previously, did I need to make an appointment to go over results or would I get results over the phone, blah blah blah. I also left a terse email to TGD saying the same thing. Which FINALLY got a response from TGD in the form of a snotty phone call saying, "Well.....I THINK I have all the results, and I'll forward them on to the doctor who will call you, as I DON'T GIVE OUT TEST RESULTS". To which my reply was, "Well, perhaps if you TOLD ME THAT to begin with, I wouldn't be calling you constantly-but, then again, perhaps if you also RESPONDED TO MY MESSAGES you'd know that". And hung up on her. Bitch.
Admin called me back the next afternoon, and firmly told me that "TGD spoke to you and told you that Dr. Pipsqueak would be calling you with the results". I relayed that I had already spoken to her and gave her the play-by-play of the conversation, told her that it was the first time I had heard from her since the end of October, and that I wouldn't even be bothering her if I didn't think that TGD was still out of the office. There was a silence on the phone, then I was asked, "You mean, she didn't even call you back when you called the first time? I walked down to her desk last week and told her personally that she needed to call you back." Well, nope, she sure as hell didn't.
The upshot of the conversation was that, apparently, The Great Deceiver does this "a lot" and admin has heard this story before from other patients. She gave me TGD's manager's name and let me know that I needed to make a complaint to her so she knew what was going on. Which I did, because I don't let people fuck with me. EVER.
And, the results, you ask? Well.........I still don't know yet. Nurse Blondie called and left a message on Monday that she wanted to go over the results, it "wasn't urgent" but they needed a test repeated, and the doctor wanted to know if I was taking any medications or herbs that would affect the test results, which I'm not-I made sure that I was taking absolutely nothing for about four days before the blood was drawn. One of the tests, the Lupus Anticoagulant Panel, came back with high levels, so I had to have a regular PT/PTT done. I had the blood drawn Friday, and hopefully they'll get the results today or tomorrow and I'll hear sometime this week from the doctor. Nurse Blondie sent me the funky results along with the labslip, and it was interesting seeing the results on paper. Although....I'm not sure why the hell it would be a high clotting time-shouldn't it be lower if you have a thrombophilia disorder? Perhaps it's what the use in the culture medium that's different than a normal PT/PTT. If any of you out there have any clue as to what the hell it means, please let me know, since I'm a bit ignorant about this.....
Either way, I get the sneaking suspicion that they've found something (since Nurse Blondie stressed that she wasn't the one to be able to tell me the results, and that the doctor would be the best one to talk to), and they're just confirming the obvious.
So.....that's where we're at. I'll update when I get more information......
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Hmmm.....
So.....should I be insulted, worried, or excited about this?
Anywhoo......Turkey Day went well-too much food, and lots of family around. We went yesterday to my parents and stayed overnight. I haven't been feeling well the past few days-nauseated, headache, just blechy feeling, and there's some stomach virus going 'round (I actually was "in vomitus flagrante" this afternoon), but otherwise, it's better than being at work, right?
At least, that's how I'm trying to justify it. Oh, well.
Hope all of my colonialist friends had a great Thanksgiving, and for my European friends, hope the weekend is going well.....
| You Are The Fool |
 You are a fascinating person who is way beyond the concerns of this world. Young at heart, you are blissfully unaware of any dangers ahead. You are a true wanderer - it has be difficult finding your place in this world. Full of confidence, you are likely to take a leap of faith. Your fortune: You are about to embark on a new phase in your life. This may mean changing locations, jobs, friends, or love status. You are open about what the future will bring, and free of worry. You have made your peace with fate, and you're ready to start down your new path. |
Anywhoo......Turkey Day went well-too much food, and lots of family around. We went yesterday to my parents and stayed overnight. I haven't been feeling well the past few days-nauseated, headache, just blechy feeling, and there's some stomach virus going 'round (I actually was "in vomitus flagrante" this afternoon), but otherwise, it's better than being at work, right?
At least, that's how I'm trying to justify it. Oh, well.
Hope all of my colonialist friends had a great Thanksgiving, and for my European friends, hope the weekend is going well.....
Monday, November 05, 2007
Personal Purgatory
It's been really difficult for me to blog lately. Not because I hate people, or that I don't care about anyone else out there. But, it's getting hard to really express myself. Call it writer's block, perhaps; but for me there are so many emotions and monologues running around in my head that I'm afraid to let out, so as not to seem bitter, angry and.....well.........insane, really.
But it's also getting hard to keep all of this inside. Sooner or later it's going to explode, like a volcano. And, like a volcano, it will be impossible to clean up.
Since turning 35 about three weeks or so ago, the thought that perhaps this won't work out for me has been eating away at my psyche. There's been the various pregnancy announcements (two in the last month alone) and, although I am happy for those people, the bitterness that I feel rises up like bile in my throat and chokes back those good wishes. And then, I feel so guilty, because I can't understand why I just can't be happy for someone's good news without first thinking of my own pain. I feel so selfish and self-absorbed-like I can't be the better person. And then I feel even worse.
Some days I wake up and I'm okay-I don't think of my infertility every five minutes. Other days I wake up and go through the day waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I feel as if I have my guard up constantly so as to not feel the pain. Oftentimes, I wake up feeling numb, as if I'm just going through the motions. As if its one more day in the life sentence that is infertility, and that it ain't going to change anytime soon-sort of like an axe murderer on a life sentence without the possibility of parole. Except that axe murderer more than likely has children who'll visit once a month.
Our friends and family have stopped asking us about it, and, while it is a relief in some ways not to feel that pressure, I'm not sure that people not asking us is any better. Perhaps they're afraid to bring it up because they don't want to hear it, or hear more crappy news. Or, perhaps they've given up on us ever having children at all.
I think it hit home the most when I redid my blog template and went through my blogroll. Out of the people that I originally started this journey with, I am the last person left without children. In fact, the majority of the people there have their babies or are pregnant. And, that hurts like hell. I get so angry, not at the people who've moved on, mind you, but at God that he's left me alone. I've more than paid my dues. I've gone through hell with treatments and procedures, prayed, visited shrines, had the Evil Eye removed, bought energy beads, and all for nothing. And if one more person tells me to "think positive" and read that horrible Sec.ret book I'll rip their eyes out with a spork. Seriously. Why put me through all of this? Why show me everyone else who can have children, and leave me standing on my own? What's the point of that? What do I need to learn from this that I haven't already been taught, the hard way?
I feel that life is moving forward, and yet I'm being left behind. I don't feel as if I'm alive, just living day to day in a perpetual state of waiting, much like the souls in Purgatory that are waiting for redemption and acceptance into Heaven. All I know is that I'm 35 years old and the mother of none, and as that number creeps forward the possibility of motherhood gets slimmer. What do I have to show for it? A box of unused syringes, unused meds on the top shelf of our fridge, some alcohol swabs, and a lot of insurance receipts. That's all. No children's laughter in our home. Just an empty room in our house painted yellow and white in expectation of things that may never come to fruition. A room with a door that's now kept closed so we're not reminded of it's presence. So we don't hear it mocking us for painting it those colors to begin with, and for being so naive and optimistic when we should have been on our guard.
I really feel as if I'm drowning. What happened to the person I was before? Did that person really exist to begin with? How do I define myself if I can't be a mother? I don't know who I am anymore. And that scares the shit out of me.
See, I told you I'm going off the deep end.
But it's also getting hard to keep all of this inside. Sooner or later it's going to explode, like a volcano. And, like a volcano, it will be impossible to clean up.
Since turning 35 about three weeks or so ago, the thought that perhaps this won't work out for me has been eating away at my psyche. There's been the various pregnancy announcements (two in the last month alone) and, although I am happy for those people, the bitterness that I feel rises up like bile in my throat and chokes back those good wishes. And then, I feel so guilty, because I can't understand why I just can't be happy for someone's good news without first thinking of my own pain. I feel so selfish and self-absorbed-like I can't be the better person. And then I feel even worse.
Some days I wake up and I'm okay-I don't think of my infertility every five minutes. Other days I wake up and go through the day waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I feel as if I have my guard up constantly so as to not feel the pain. Oftentimes, I wake up feeling numb, as if I'm just going through the motions. As if its one more day in the life sentence that is infertility, and that it ain't going to change anytime soon-sort of like an axe murderer on a life sentence without the possibility of parole. Except that axe murderer more than likely has children who'll visit once a month.
Our friends and family have stopped asking us about it, and, while it is a relief in some ways not to feel that pressure, I'm not sure that people not asking us is any better. Perhaps they're afraid to bring it up because they don't want to hear it, or hear more crappy news. Or, perhaps they've given up on us ever having children at all.
I think it hit home the most when I redid my blog template and went through my blogroll. Out of the people that I originally started this journey with, I am the last person left without children. In fact, the majority of the people there have their babies or are pregnant. And, that hurts like hell. I get so angry, not at the people who've moved on, mind you, but at God that he's left me alone. I've more than paid my dues. I've gone through hell with treatments and procedures, prayed, visited shrines, had the Evil Eye removed, bought energy beads, and all for nothing. And if one more person tells me to "think positive" and read that horrible Sec.ret book I'll rip their eyes out with a spork. Seriously. Why put me through all of this? Why show me everyone else who can have children, and leave me standing on my own? What's the point of that? What do I need to learn from this that I haven't already been taught, the hard way?
I feel that life is moving forward, and yet I'm being left behind. I don't feel as if I'm alive, just living day to day in a perpetual state of waiting, much like the souls in Purgatory that are waiting for redemption and acceptance into Heaven. All I know is that I'm 35 years old and the mother of none, and as that number creeps forward the possibility of motherhood gets slimmer. What do I have to show for it? A box of unused syringes, unused meds on the top shelf of our fridge, some alcohol swabs, and a lot of insurance receipts. That's all. No children's laughter in our home. Just an empty room in our house painted yellow and white in expectation of things that may never come to fruition. A room with a door that's now kept closed so we're not reminded of it's presence. So we don't hear it mocking us for painting it those colors to begin with, and for being so naive and optimistic when we should have been on our guard.
I really feel as if I'm drowning. What happened to the person I was before? Did that person really exist to begin with? How do I define myself if I can't be a mother? I don't know who I am anymore. And that scares the shit out of me.
See, I told you I'm going off the deep end.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Large National Lab Blows
So, I called the IVF Coordinator today to find out where the dilly-o my blood results were. They were supposed to be in by today (according to IVF Coordinator).
Well, I called, and OF COURSE they weren't in, and she had to call Evil National Lab from Hell, who told her that they had SOME of the results ready, but the rest won't be ready until the end of the week. After they originally told her on Friday that the results would all be ready by today.
So, what the FUCK?? Does it normally take this long? It's starting to freak me out, because it's making me feel as if perhaps there is something wrong. Like they're going to find something.
Motherfuckers. May the fleas of a thousand camel infest the armpits and nether regions.
After they get the testing done, of course.......I'd hate to have fleas in my test results.
Well, I called, and OF COURSE they weren't in, and she had to call Evil National Lab from Hell, who told her that they had SOME of the results ready, but the rest won't be ready until the end of the week. After they originally told her on Friday that the results would all be ready by today.
So, what the FUCK?? Does it normally take this long? It's starting to freak me out, because it's making me feel as if perhaps there is something wrong. Like they're going to find something.
Motherfuckers. May the fleas of a thousand camel infest the armpits and nether regions.
After they get the testing done, of course.......I'd hate to have fleas in my test results.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Ick
I've really been a shitty blogger, haven't I?
Don't answer that.....
Seriously, it's been hard to post lately. Not just because I've been busy with work and such, but also because there seems to be a lot of crappy things that have been going on the past few weeks, such as:
*Grandmother being in the hospital and being diagnosed with Factor V Leiden/S-protein defenciency (although she no longer has the PICC line in and is now home-yay!)
*Having 12 (!) vials of blood drawn for a thrombophilia panel and other lovely clotting tests to see if I have inherited this wonderful genetic mutation from Grams (haven't found out yet-probably tomorrow or Wednesday).
*Getting the monthly bloodflow AGAIN (what else is new, right?)
*My blog template sucking royal ASS because the designer skipped Virtual Town and leaving my blog high and dry, and getting a crash course in blog design (thanks to a handy-dandy program in my laptop that I didn't even know I had!) to try to fix it.
*A resigning from church as Music Director (due to differences between him and the new pastor), the choir pretty much falling apart, and me probably being out of the cantoring/church job in about two weeks.
*Oh, yeah........and I'm not pregnant. Again. So, what else is new?
Argh
Don't answer that.....
Seriously, it's been hard to post lately. Not just because I've been busy with work and such, but also because there seems to be a lot of crappy things that have been going on the past few weeks, such as:
*Grandmother being in the hospital and being diagnosed with Factor V Leiden/S-protein defenciency (although she no longer has the PICC line in and is now home-yay!)
*Having 12 (!) vials of blood drawn for a thrombophilia panel and other lovely clotting tests to see if I have inherited this wonderful genetic mutation from Grams (haven't found out yet-probably tomorrow or Wednesday).
*Getting the monthly bloodflow AGAIN (what else is new, right?)
*My blog template sucking royal ASS because the designer skipped Virtual Town and leaving my blog high and dry, and getting a crash course in blog design (thanks to a handy-dandy program in my laptop that I didn't even know I had!) to try to fix it.
*A resigning from church as Music Director (due to differences between him and the new pastor), the choir pretty much falling apart, and me probably being out of the cantoring/church job in about two weeks.
*Oh, yeah........and I'm not pregnant. Again. So, what else is new?
Argh
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Soooo...
Whaddya think of the new template??
And, guess what?
I DID IT ALL MYSELF!!! WOOT!!! Go me!
Okay, I'm done patting myself on the back now.....
And, guess what?
I DID IT ALL MYSELF!!! WOOT!!! Go me!
Okay, I'm done patting myself on the back now.....
Monday, October 08, 2007
A Missing Piece of the (Fertility) Puzzle?
Another one of the reasons that my postings have been spotty as of late is because my grandmother (my father's mother) is in the hospital. And, some very interesting things have developed due to this.
About three weeks ago, my grandmother (who lives in Boston with my 95 year old grandfather) was on the phone with my mother; she had been to the dentist earlier in the day and had Novocaine, and wanted to know how long it would take for the medication to wear off. During the conversation, she suddenly started babbling and garbling her speech-my mother went directly into "nurse-mode" and was trying to tell her to call for help.
At which point, my grandmother hung up the phone. And, my mother had no emergency numbers to call anyone else (my grandfather's nephew and his family live on the third floor of the building). Frantic, my mother kept redialing and tried to see how to call 911 when out of state.
Finally, my grandmother answered the phone. She was able to talk, and everything seemed fine. My mother insisted that she go to the doctor's the next day, but of course, my grandmother being the stubborn old bird that she is, hemmed and hawed about it.
Until the next day, when she still didn't feel well. My grandfather's nephew brought her (under duress) to the doctor. Who promptly admitted her to the hospital.
It was determined that she did have a stroke, but luckily it didn't affect her speech. She's been hospitalized before due to clots-once with a DVT (deep vein thrombosis) of the leg and a PE (pulmonary embollism) in her lung. But, up until this point, it never resulted in a stroke. So, she was observed, given medication, and released.
Three days later she ended up back in the hospital, because the arm in which they placed the IV began to swell. It turns out that she has a blood infection from the IV line (can we say "potential negligence due to a non-sterile field"?? Yah..). They also find ANOTHER CLOT in her arm, where the IV was, so they had to put in a PICC, gave her Coumadin, and now have to release her to a subacute facility for four weeks of additional IV antibiotic therapy. The hematologists then decided to do a more extensive blood analysis to see what's going on.
The testing shows that she has Factor V Leiden and Protein-S Deficiency. We're not yet sure whether the gene mutation is homo- or heterozygous, or what else is affected. But, she's had it her entire life. Which explains why it took so long for her to get pregnant. And why she had miscarriages before and after having my father, who is an only child, since FVL increases the risk of miscarriage, preeclampsia and placental abruption.
Ah, the wonders of modern medicine. For years, my grandmother thought that her infertility was "God's will", but it was just a case of genetics. It only took her 89 years to find it out.
So..........guess who's now getting tested for it? Yup. It's very likely that I have the mutation, given the family history (a few of my grandmother's sisters and brothers had strokes and similar clotting issues), but we won't know for sure until the tests are run. My father and brother also will need to be tested, and my mother is thinking of it also, because she has no idea if it's in her family.
Could this be the missing piece of the puzzle for me? Will finding this out help me get pregnant? Not that I want an additional diagnosis, really........but, if this is what's keeping me from getting (and staying pregnant), and it can be treated, then bring it on. I'm more than ready.
About three weeks ago, my grandmother (who lives in Boston with my 95 year old grandfather) was on the phone with my mother; she had been to the dentist earlier in the day and had Novocaine, and wanted to know how long it would take for the medication to wear off. During the conversation, she suddenly started babbling and garbling her speech-my mother went directly into "nurse-mode" and was trying to tell her to call for help.
At which point, my grandmother hung up the phone. And, my mother had no emergency numbers to call anyone else (my grandfather's nephew and his family live on the third floor of the building). Frantic, my mother kept redialing and tried to see how to call 911 when out of state.
Finally, my grandmother answered the phone. She was able to talk, and everything seemed fine. My mother insisted that she go to the doctor's the next day, but of course, my grandmother being the stubborn old bird that she is, hemmed and hawed about it.
Until the next day, when she still didn't feel well. My grandfather's nephew brought her (under duress) to the doctor. Who promptly admitted her to the hospital.
It was determined that she did have a stroke, but luckily it didn't affect her speech. She's been hospitalized before due to clots-once with a DVT (deep vein thrombosis) of the leg and a PE (pulmonary embollism) in her lung. But, up until this point, it never resulted in a stroke. So, she was observed, given medication, and released.
Three days later she ended up back in the hospital, because the arm in which they placed the IV began to swell. It turns out that she has a blood infection from the IV line (can we say "potential negligence due to a non-sterile field"?? Yah..). They also find ANOTHER CLOT in her arm, where the IV was, so they had to put in a PICC, gave her Coumadin, and now have to release her to a subacute facility for four weeks of additional IV antibiotic therapy. The hematologists then decided to do a more extensive blood analysis to see what's going on.
The testing shows that she has Factor V Leiden and Protein-S Deficiency. We're not yet sure whether the gene mutation is homo- or heterozygous, or what else is affected. But, she's had it her entire life. Which explains why it took so long for her to get pregnant. And why she had miscarriages before and after having my father, who is an only child, since FVL increases the risk of miscarriage, preeclampsia and placental abruption.
Ah, the wonders of modern medicine. For years, my grandmother thought that her infertility was "God's will", but it was just a case of genetics. It only took her 89 years to find it out.
So..........guess who's now getting tested for it? Yup. It's very likely that I have the mutation, given the family history (a few of my grandmother's sisters and brothers had strokes and similar clotting issues), but we won't know for sure until the tests are run. My father and brother also will need to be tested, and my mother is thinking of it also, because she has no idea if it's in her family.
Could this be the missing piece of the puzzle for me? Will finding this out help me get pregnant? Not that I want an additional diagnosis, really........but, if this is what's keeping me from getting (and staying pregnant), and it can be treated, then bring it on. I'm more than ready.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
WTF???
You know the old saying, "when it rains, it pours"?
Yep. That's my life right now, in a nutshell. It seems as if everything's FUBAR.
Firstly, work is kicking my butt. I got new special ed classes added to my schedule this year-autistic kids. Who are nonverbal. Two who have "regular seizures" and are not on any medications. One of who had a seizure about half an hour after he left my class this morning.
Not much fun.
Then, my blog. For some reason, I no longer have my bitchin' graphic. Emails to Moodswing Creations are coming back to me with delivery failures, and the Moodswing site is down. So, no more bitchin' graphic, unless Denise contacts me.........hopefully everything's okay....
And then, I started spotting on 9/21. Since my period wasn't due until the 28th, and spotting for a week before isn't exactly normal, I called the RE's office. Who relayed that they wanted me in on Wednesday for bloodwork and a date with the wand.
Nurse Blondie called me back that afternoon-the wanding showed that I'm in my luteal phase (duh!), and they ran a beta just for shits and giggles.
Which came back at 2.61.
Since anything over 5 is considered preggo, I had to go back in on Friday for another bloodletting. Of course, I get my period within a half hour of getting home from the aforementioned bloodletting.
This beta came back at 2.7. So, back on Monday. I've now acquired a lovely bruise the size of a quarter on my right arm.
Monday's beta was 3.3. Still negative, as far as they were concerned. So, I have to go back in on the 8th for more torture........uh......I mean bloodwork.
Now, I asked Nurse Blondie why in the hell I would have any kind of beta number if I was so obviously not pregnant. She's calling it a "lab error" or "lab sensitivity". But......wouldn't the number be going down, not up? I did ask if I ever had this happen in any other cycling I did, and the answer was "no", so this definitely isn't normal for me. Of course, when you look up "HCG in non pregnant women", it comes up with wonderful references of ovarian tumors and pituitary tumors. God forbid. Anyone out there have this happen to them? Or am I just the only physiological freak here?
Isn't it the ultimate kick in the ass? Getting a beta number and knowing you're not pregnant-it's just another way that the universe is giving me the virtual finger and laughing hysterically.
Just my fucking bad luck, I guess. Honestly, though-I'm just tired of being the one who always has the crappy luck, though. I just want a baby. Why does that seem like it's too much to ask for?
Yep. That's my life right now, in a nutshell. It seems as if everything's FUBAR.
Firstly, work is kicking my butt. I got new special ed classes added to my schedule this year-autistic kids. Who are nonverbal. Two who have "regular seizures" and are not on any medications. One of who had a seizure about half an hour after he left my class this morning.
Not much fun.
Then, my blog. For some reason, I no longer have my bitchin' graphic. Emails to Moodswing Creations are coming back to me with delivery failures, and the Moodswing site is down. So, no more bitchin' graphic, unless Denise contacts me.........hopefully everything's okay....
And then, I started spotting on 9/21. Since my period wasn't due until the 28th, and spotting for a week before isn't exactly normal, I called the RE's office. Who relayed that they wanted me in on Wednesday for bloodwork and a date with the wand.
Nurse Blondie called me back that afternoon-the wanding showed that I'm in my luteal phase (duh!), and they ran a beta just for shits and giggles.
Which came back at 2.61.
Since anything over 5 is considered preggo, I had to go back in on Friday for another bloodletting. Of course, I get my period within a half hour of getting home from the aforementioned bloodletting.
This beta came back at 2.7. So, back on Monday. I've now acquired a lovely bruise the size of a quarter on my right arm.
Monday's beta was 3.3. Still negative, as far as they were concerned. So, I have to go back in on the 8th for more torture........uh......I mean bloodwork.
Now, I asked Nurse Blondie why in the hell I would have any kind of beta number if I was so obviously not pregnant. She's calling it a "lab error" or "lab sensitivity". But......wouldn't the number be going down, not up? I did ask if I ever had this happen in any other cycling I did, and the answer was "no", so this definitely isn't normal for me. Of course, when you look up "HCG in non pregnant women", it comes up with wonderful references of ovarian tumors and pituitary tumors. God forbid. Anyone out there have this happen to them? Or am I just the only physiological freak here?
Isn't it the ultimate kick in the ass? Getting a beta number and knowing you're not pregnant-it's just another way that the universe is giving me the virtual finger and laughing hysterically.
Just my fucking bad luck, I guess. Honestly, though-I'm just tired of being the one who always has the crappy luck, though. I just want a baby. Why does that seem like it's too much to ask for?
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Called Out
I have to admit-I lurve you guys. Seriously.
I haven't actually sat down and talked to the lovely Sean yet about all of this (we've actually not seen much of each other since it's Fashion Week and he's jobbing out), but I am leaning toward trying au naturale for a bit longer. Then, perhaps we'll do that last cycle. Your comments made me see that 35 isn't really the Fertility Kiss Of Death as the twatotologists make it seem to be. Hell, if that were the case, how the frick did people in my family have "late in life" babies? I mean, my great-grandmother was pregnant with her firstborn the same time her own mother was pregnant with her last baby? Seriously-I think that my great uncle was only a few months older than his youngest aunt. If they can do it, so can I, right?
Maybe we'll do a cycle in February or March, depending on the lab schedule. We can't do a cycle in December or January, because of M and Sexy J's wedding at the beginning of October (now labeled the Event of the Century)-they just don't make sexy maternity wear in an "I'm about to drop this baby out of my cooter onto the dance floor" size. Well, you get what I mean. Unless we go to the camping store and buy a nice tent-hmmm, there's an idea.......
Anyways, all bets might be off if the school district's contract negotiations don't resolve, as the Board of Ed want us to pay into our benefits and the union doesn't want to. Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things, it isn't that big of a deal (Jaysus, I even payed into medical while working as an employee in a medical insurance company for 7 years), but when you've never payed into medical benefits before, it kind of sucks-especially since any raise in salary we get will then go towards medical insurance payments. And, we don't make a whole lot to begin with, even compared to other districts in our county. So, in effect, if we have to pay a percentage of our insurance, we're basically not getting a raise. Which blows large monkey anuses.
Needless to say, we're now working without a contract. The union tried to meet twice with the Board, but when the subject of paying for benefits came up, and the Board was told that it wasn't part of the agenda, the Board abruptly ended the meeting and walked out. Not good. So, let's hope that there isn't a "job action", because then we're REALLY screwed-and not just reproductively.
***************************************************
So, there's something that has been rolling around in one of the cavernous spots in my brain for about a few weeks now. It's regarding a comment left by the lovely Denise a few weeks ago (and I respectfully quote):
Aww.....I'm blushing. You like me, you REALLY.....okay, you know the rest. Heh.
But seriously, Denise, what you said really struck me for a second, and it made me think about me and how I deal with all of this, and whether it's my personality or sense of self-preservation that shows through on this blog.
I totally get what you mean about being an "actress" when it comes to all of this crap. I try not to show my feelings in front of people, unless they're being total ignorant asshats-then I have to get my Infertility Freak On and "educate" them. I guess, to a point, my sense of humor could be a defensive measure (self-preservation and all that). But, have I always been the kind of person who finds something humorous in situations that are, in essence, not at all funny? Well.....yes. But, not deliberately. I like to tell stories, this is true, and I suppose that my theatre background helps in that regard. But, is it a part of my personality? I don't know.
I mean, I don't really consider myself having a great sense of humor (although, if those of you who know me IRL disagree, I stand corrected) or that I'm an extraordinarily funny person. I've thought about this, and I think that my particular brand of sarcasm is a direct result of infertility. A casualty, if you will. Oddly enough, between Sean and I, he's the one to be the "funny one" of the relationship. The one to make a joke in a TOTALLY inappropriate situation (like at a wake-and I'm serious about this). And, perhaps the twelve or so years that we've been together have rubbed off on me, and I've developed this too.
Yes, I do think that it's partly as a defense, but really I think this blog from the beginning has always been, for me, a form of therapy. A place to let things out. I suppose that, ideally, it's not entirely natural to find the humor in every aspect of infertility, and I really REALLY should go into "traditional" therapy but, for now, this has been enough for me. Will it always be enough? Who knows.
I think a lot of it is that I have to find the funny in the situation, to be able to deal with it. It's also to remind me that it's not always as bad as it can seem, because I sometimes overreact to things. That if I can laugh, and make someone else laugh, then it's not that horrible. Even if it is.
I also think that I try to put a sense of humor here because it isn't only a case of self-preservation, but perhaps it helps other people, too. I remember, even before I decided to blog, and in the early days, reading blogs like Julie's and Olivia Drab's (who just had her beautiful daughter yesterday-congrats!) and laughing my ass off, even when I felt like shit. And I was surprised that I felt better afterwards-that it didnt' make infertility "okay", but it made it more bearable for me. That doesn't mean that their reproductive lives are happy-go-lucky, but it helped me when I was in a low spot. So, maybe it's a case of "paying it forward".
I, too, rarely cry anymore when comes to infertility. Whether it's because I can laugh it off or because I'm desenstized to it I don't know-perhaps I'm just more accepting and used to it. But what I do know is that, regardless of whether you can laugh or cry about it, it all still sucks-no matter who you are, what your diagnosis is or whether or not you're still trying, in some sort of treatment, or have achieved your family. It still really really sucks.
But, thanks, Denise-your comment really made me think-and search myself to really get a grasp on my feelings........and that's always a good thing.
So, everyone-how do you get through? What do you do to cope?
And, booze doesn't count-that's a given.
I haven't actually sat down and talked to the lovely Sean yet about all of this (we've actually not seen much of each other since it's Fashion Week and he's jobbing out), but I am leaning toward trying au naturale for a bit longer. Then, perhaps we'll do that last cycle. Your comments made me see that 35 isn't really the Fertility Kiss Of Death as the twatotologists make it seem to be. Hell, if that were the case, how the frick did people in my family have "late in life" babies? I mean, my great-grandmother was pregnant with her firstborn the same time her own mother was pregnant with her last baby? Seriously-I think that my great uncle was only a few months older than his youngest aunt. If they can do it, so can I, right?
Maybe we'll do a cycle in February or March, depending on the lab schedule. We can't do a cycle in December or January, because of M and Sexy J's wedding at the beginning of October (now labeled the Event of the Century)-they just don't make sexy maternity wear in an "I'm about to drop this baby out of my cooter onto the dance floor" size. Well, you get what I mean. Unless we go to the camping store and buy a nice tent-hmmm, there's an idea.......
Anyways, all bets might be off if the school district's contract negotiations don't resolve, as the Board of Ed want us to pay into our benefits and the union doesn't want to. Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things, it isn't that big of a deal (Jaysus, I even payed into medical while working as an employee in a medical insurance company for 7 years), but when you've never payed into medical benefits before, it kind of sucks-especially since any raise in salary we get will then go towards medical insurance payments. And, we don't make a whole lot to begin with, even compared to other districts in our county. So, in effect, if we have to pay a percentage of our insurance, we're basically not getting a raise. Which blows large monkey anuses.
Needless to say, we're now working without a contract. The union tried to meet twice with the Board, but when the subject of paying for benefits came up, and the Board was told that it wasn't part of the agenda, the Board abruptly ended the meeting and walked out. Not good. So, let's hope that there isn't a "job action", because then we're REALLY screwed-and not just reproductively.
***************************************************
So, there's something that has been rolling around in one of the cavernous spots in my brain for about a few weeks now. It's regarding a comment left by the lovely Denise a few weeks ago (and I respectfully quote):
I just love your sense of humor you inject. While I don't know if it's natural for you or if it is a defensive technique, your blog is a joy to read. When we were TTC and going through all the crap that comes with infertility, I learned to be a great actress. While I consider myself a funny person, I also injected extra humor into things. Then I wouldn't cry.
Aww.....I'm blushing. You like me, you REALLY.....okay, you know the rest. Heh.
But seriously, Denise, what you said really struck me for a second, and it made me think about me and how I deal with all of this, and whether it's my personality or sense of self-preservation that shows through on this blog.
I totally get what you mean about being an "actress" when it comes to all of this crap. I try not to show my feelings in front of people, unless they're being total ignorant asshats-then I have to get my Infertility Freak On and "educate" them. I guess, to a point, my sense of humor could be a defensive measure (self-preservation and all that). But, have I always been the kind of person who finds something humorous in situations that are, in essence, not at all funny? Well.....yes. But, not deliberately. I like to tell stories, this is true, and I suppose that my theatre background helps in that regard. But, is it a part of my personality? I don't know.
I mean, I don't really consider myself having a great sense of humor (although, if those of you who know me IRL disagree, I stand corrected) or that I'm an extraordinarily funny person. I've thought about this, and I think that my particular brand of sarcasm is a direct result of infertility. A casualty, if you will. Oddly enough, between Sean and I, he's the one to be the "funny one" of the relationship. The one to make a joke in a TOTALLY inappropriate situation (like at a wake-and I'm serious about this). And, perhaps the twelve or so years that we've been together have rubbed off on me, and I've developed this too.
Yes, I do think that it's partly as a defense, but really I think this blog from the beginning has always been, for me, a form of therapy. A place to let things out. I suppose that, ideally, it's not entirely natural to find the humor in every aspect of infertility, and I really REALLY should go into "traditional" therapy but, for now, this has been enough for me. Will it always be enough? Who knows.
I think a lot of it is that I have to find the funny in the situation, to be able to deal with it. It's also to remind me that it's not always as bad as it can seem, because I sometimes overreact to things. That if I can laugh, and make someone else laugh, then it's not that horrible. Even if it is.
I also think that I try to put a sense of humor here because it isn't only a case of self-preservation, but perhaps it helps other people, too. I remember, even before I decided to blog, and in the early days, reading blogs like Julie's and Olivia Drab's (who just had her beautiful daughter yesterday-congrats!) and laughing my ass off, even when I felt like shit. And I was surprised that I felt better afterwards-that it didnt' make infertility "okay", but it made it more bearable for me. That doesn't mean that their reproductive lives are happy-go-lucky, but it helped me when I was in a low spot. So, maybe it's a case of "paying it forward".
I, too, rarely cry anymore when comes to infertility. Whether it's because I can laugh it off or because I'm desenstized to it I don't know-perhaps I'm just more accepting and used to it. But what I do know is that, regardless of whether you can laugh or cry about it, it all still sucks-no matter who you are, what your diagnosis is or whether or not you're still trying, in some sort of treatment, or have achieved your family. It still really really sucks.
But, thanks, Denise-your comment really made me think-and search myself to really get a grasp on my feelings........and that's always a good thing.
So, everyone-how do you get through? What do you do to cope?
And, booze doesn't count-that's a given.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Red Light, Green Light
I've been meaning to post on the results of Dr. Pipsqueak's appointment, but being that the first day of school is fast approaching (t-minus 4 days and counting-ouch!), I've been busy trying to get organized in both of my schools-getting schedules, dealing with additional special ed classes being added to my schedule last minute, tracking down supplies.........all those fun things that we teachers love to do to get ready for the arrival of the kids. That, and drinking heavily between now and the first day of school.
Now, onto the appointment results....
So, the upshot is that all the karyotyping and Fragile X testing came back normal for both Sean and myself, as well as the physical and ultrasound I had on Tuesday afternoon. Which I'm relieved about, because I was convinced that they were going to find that I was some reproductive mutant with latent pyrotechnic abilities that might trigger with a Lupron/Follistim cocktail (hmmm....gotta find an X-Men name for that one...). As for the HSG results, the right tube is open and ready for business, the left is blocked fimbrially, but there is no need to remove the tube as it wasn't dilated prior to the dye being introduced during the test. I did ask her if it was realistic to try on our own and hope for natural conception, and her exact words were, "I'd definitely try if I were you", but, if we want to do another cycle, we're cleared for it. If we do manage to get pregnant on our own, however, they still need to monitor me closely, since my risk of ectopic pregnancy jumps from 5% to 25%.
And that was that. Other than having the nurses in hysterics when I talked about getting the Follicular Lurve Wanding (and yes, I actually DID say that-why not!?). Now, the choice has to be made.
Do I go ahead with another cycle, or do we try this on our own? Am I really ready for the monitoring, injections, and stress? Do I want to put myself through the TTC au natural again?
ARRGH.....I hate this! On one hand, I feel like time is ticking away-I'll be 35 in six weeks time-and that with the passing of that birthday it will be like an Ovarian Death Sentence and that suddenly my body will not be as cooperative in the egg quality department. But, I don't want to rush into a cycle that could potentially fail just because I'm passing the Magic Fertility Cut-Off Number, especially as it's the last time it will be fully covered by insurance. On the other hand, I never really gave the TTC on our own a fighting chance-well, we did try on our own for almost a year, but I don't think that I ever really got the timing right, plus all the charting/temping crap just aggravated the hell out of me. Then, by the time I got the Fertility Monitor, I only used it one or two cycles before I got my initial diagnosis, then stopped as I thought it was a collosial waste of time-what was the point of knowing when I ovulated when I was being told that both of my tubes are blocked?
Of course, now that I'm being told that there's one open tube, it's throwing a wrench in everything. Yes, I know that I have a higher risk of ectopic, that just because the dye spilled doesn't mean that the inside of the tube isn't damaged in some way-I mean, we've been having unprotected sex for five years now and I've never gotten pregnant. But, I've also been looking up the probability of getting pregnant on my own, and as long as the tube and ovary are good, I have a shot as much as anyone. Hell, if my mother, who only has one tube and ovary (she lost the other side due to a dermoid cyst the size of a grapefruit on her ovary) and was told that she might never conceive managed to do it twice in 20 months (yeah, she got pregnant with my brother six weeks after I was born), and one more time 10 years later (and lost it), maybe I can, too.
But, the thing that is nagging me the most is the strong gut feeling that I'm having to try it on my own-a last hurrah, if you will. That it could work without medical intervention. I've never felt like this during this entire TTC journey. But, I'm afraid that this isn't a true instinct , but is just a reaction against doing a cycle, due to fear of failure.
Yet, I'm still getting this odd feeling that I'm being guided to this choice somehow. Needless to say, I'm more than confused as to which choice to make, and nobody around here (excepting present company, of course!) that has a clue to really hash it out with.
So, tell me.....................what would you do?
Now, onto the appointment results....
So, the upshot is that all the karyotyping and Fragile X testing came back normal for both Sean and myself, as well as the physical and ultrasound I had on Tuesday afternoon. Which I'm relieved about, because I was convinced that they were going to find that I was some reproductive mutant with latent pyrotechnic abilities that might trigger with a Lupron/Follistim cocktail (hmmm....gotta find an X-Men name for that one...). As for the HSG results, the right tube is open and ready for business, the left is blocked fimbrially, but there is no need to remove the tube as it wasn't dilated prior to the dye being introduced during the test. I did ask her if it was realistic to try on our own and hope for natural conception, and her exact words were, "I'd definitely try if I were you", but, if we want to do another cycle, we're cleared for it. If we do manage to get pregnant on our own, however, they still need to monitor me closely, since my risk of ectopic pregnancy jumps from 5% to 25%.
And that was that. Other than having the nurses in hysterics when I talked about getting the Follicular Lurve Wanding (and yes, I actually DID say that-why not!?). Now, the choice has to be made.
Do I go ahead with another cycle, or do we try this on our own? Am I really ready for the monitoring, injections, and stress? Do I want to put myself through the TTC au natural again?
ARRGH.....I hate this! On one hand, I feel like time is ticking away-I'll be 35 in six weeks time-and that with the passing of that birthday it will be like an Ovarian Death Sentence and that suddenly my body will not be as cooperative in the egg quality department. But, I don't want to rush into a cycle that could potentially fail just because I'm passing the Magic Fertility Cut-Off Number, especially as it's the last time it will be fully covered by insurance. On the other hand, I never really gave the TTC on our own a fighting chance-well, we did try on our own for almost a year, but I don't think that I ever really got the timing right, plus all the charting/temping crap just aggravated the hell out of me. Then, by the time I got the Fertility Monitor, I only used it one or two cycles before I got my initial diagnosis, then stopped as I thought it was a collosial waste of time-what was the point of knowing when I ovulated when I was being told that both of my tubes are blocked?
Of course, now that I'm being told that there's one open tube, it's throwing a wrench in everything. Yes, I know that I have a higher risk of ectopic, that just because the dye spilled doesn't mean that the inside of the tube isn't damaged in some way-I mean, we've been having unprotected sex for five years now and I've never gotten pregnant. But, I've also been looking up the probability of getting pregnant on my own, and as long as the tube and ovary are good, I have a shot as much as anyone. Hell, if my mother, who only has one tube and ovary (she lost the other side due to a dermoid cyst the size of a grapefruit on her ovary) and was told that she might never conceive managed to do it twice in 20 months (yeah, she got pregnant with my brother six weeks after I was born), and one more time 10 years later (and lost it), maybe I can, too.
But, the thing that is nagging me the most is the strong gut feeling that I'm having to try it on my own-a last hurrah, if you will. That it could work without medical intervention. I've never felt like this during this entire TTC journey. But, I'm afraid that this isn't a true instinct , but is just a reaction against doing a cycle, due to fear of failure.
Yet, I'm still getting this odd feeling that I'm being guided to this choice somehow. Needless to say, I'm more than confused as to which choice to make, and nobody around here (excepting present company, of course!) that has a clue to really hash it out with.
So, tell me.....................what would you do?
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
St. Anthony says, "Accio, Test Results!!"
....and they've been found! YAY!
Okay, the contest winner is Frank, because his creative cross-relation between St. Anthony of Padua and Harry Potter. As a child, we had a plinth in our front yard with a four-foot statue of St. Anthony on it......and no, I didn't live in a convent-we're ITALIAN, for God's sake! It's almost as if it's MANDATORY to have a saint's statue in the front yard (that is, if you don't have a mini-grotto dedicated to the Blessed Mother). Anyway, Frank-you got brownie points due to the fact that I had a bit of nostalgia going on. Plus, in an eerie co-winkeedink, he is also one of the Patron Saints of infertility and/or barrenness. Betcha didn't know THAT!!
Heh. But, thanks to you guys for your answers-they gave me a giggle when I needed it.
Anywhoo........I finally got a message back the end of last week, so I have an appointment on the 28th with Dr. Pipsqueak to go over the results and also for a physical and date with the Follicular Lurve Wand......damn, should I wear my lacy DKNY bra and matching silk and lace panties for the event? Maybe shave my va-jay-jay in the shape of a heart? It's just that it's been a long time since I've had a wanding, and I'm all of a-flutter.
More than likely, since I'm 13dpo and I'm sure that I'll be Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System any day now, I'll show up in my graying period panties (aka "quitters" around here) with the rip in the waistband and a poonanny that looks like I took a Flowbee to it. Let's complete the "Snaggle Bush" look with hairy legs, too. Because I just. Don't. Give a shit.
I mean, really......do RE's (or twatotologists) REALLY CARE that you're....uh....cleaned up down there? Do they compare and contrast with other patients? I seriously doubt it-doctors, in general, don't look at patients as "human" when doing a clinical exam (and, that's not meant as a crack against doctors), so as to be less embarrassing for everyone involved. But really, wouldn't you love to know what they're thinking?
Okay, maybe I just want to know what they're thinking. 'Cause I'm just weird like that
Oh, who am I kidding? I'll make sure that my undies aren't quitters....
Le Sigh. Such is the life of an infertile.
Okay, the contest winner is Frank, because his creative cross-relation between St. Anthony of Padua and Harry Potter. As a child, we had a plinth in our front yard with a four-foot statue of St. Anthony on it......and no, I didn't live in a convent-we're ITALIAN, for God's sake! It's almost as if it's MANDATORY to have a saint's statue in the front yard (that is, if you don't have a mini-grotto dedicated to the Blessed Mother). Anyway, Frank-you got brownie points due to the fact that I had a bit of nostalgia going on. Plus, in an eerie co-winkeedink, he is also one of the Patron Saints of infertility and/or barrenness. Betcha didn't know THAT!!
Heh. But, thanks to you guys for your answers-they gave me a giggle when I needed it.
Anywhoo........I finally got a message back the end of last week, so I have an appointment on the 28th with Dr. Pipsqueak to go over the results and also for a physical and date with the Follicular Lurve Wand......damn, should I wear my lacy DKNY bra and matching silk and lace panties for the event? Maybe shave my va-jay-jay in the shape of a heart? It's just that it's been a long time since I've had a wanding, and I'm all of a-flutter.
More than likely, since I'm 13dpo and I'm sure that I'll be Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System any day now, I'll show up in my graying period panties (aka "quitters" around here) with the rip in the waistband and a poonanny that looks like I took a Flowbee to it. Let's complete the "Snaggle Bush" look with hairy legs, too. Because I just. Don't. Give a shit.
I mean, really......do RE's (or twatotologists) REALLY CARE that you're....uh....cleaned up down there? Do they compare and contrast with other patients? I seriously doubt it-doctors, in general, don't look at patients as "human" when doing a clinical exam (and, that's not meant as a crack against doctors), so as to be less embarrassing for everyone involved. But really, wouldn't you love to know what they're thinking?
Okay, maybe I just want to know what they're thinking. 'Cause I'm just weird like that
Oh, who am I kidding? I'll make sure that my undies aren't quitters....
Le Sigh. Such is the life of an infertile.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Dude, Where's My Bloodwork?
In the last installment of the saga titled, "S and the Mysteriously Disappearing Test Results", a certain blood drawing center beginning with the letter "L" somehow had no record of my Offering to the Phlebotomy Gods. Which meant an instant replay of those aforementioned events. Although it was extremely annoying (and really, what isn't annoying about infertility? And why should this be any different, right?), they only needed to take 4 vials. No biggie.
Isn't it sad that I don't think that's a big deal? Or perhaps I'm just desensitized to the whole thing by now.
Anywho.....since this past Saturday marked my three week "veni-versarry", I decided to email my IVF Coordinator early Friday afternoon the following to see if they received the results yet, as well as my PAP results that the twatotologist's office neglected to send:
And waited. And waited some more. I finally got a response (almost three and a half hours later):
Now, did that answer all of my questions? Uh....nope. I have a sneaking suspicion that she didn't read the whole email. So, I sent this response (about a half hour later):
So, what the FUCK is the deal here? As much as I love Big Important Clinic, I'm not loving my Coordinator. Every time I've had to contact her, she takes tons of time to respond. Now, I know that they're busy (when I asked her about not receiving my HSG results, she told me that she was "very busy and can't get back to everyone with test results-huh???), but when I met her for the very first time, she made a point of saying how she was ALWAYS reachable by phone or email. I have yet to call her without reaching voicemail, or email her with her responding in less than three hours.
Reachable my fat, saggy ass. So, I guess when I go for my physical, I need to get my Italian Bitch on and complain to Dr. Pipsqueak. Which I hate to do, as I don't want to seem difficult.........but TOO LATE.
So, I'm sending out a little assignment to everyone out there-be creative and guess where the hell my bloodwork is. The winner will will have their answer be the title for my next post.
So, get thinking!
Isn't it sad that I don't think that's a big deal? Or perhaps I'm just desensitized to the whole thing by now.
Anywho.....since this past Saturday marked my three week "veni-versarry", I decided to email my IVF Coordinator early Friday afternoon the following to see if they received the results yet, as well as my PAP results that the twatotologist's office neglected to send:
Hi IVF Coordinator:
I'm just following up to check and see if you've received the copy of my PAP results from Twato that I requested from them three weeks ago, and if you perhaps received back results from the bloodwork that we had re-done (also three weeks ago).
Is there anything else that we need to do, besides scheduling a physical for me? Will we need to make an appointment with Dr. Pipsqueak to go over any results of all the new tests before proceeding with a new cycle?
If you could let me know, I'd appreciate it-you can either respond via email, or call me at home: (INF) ERT-ILE1.
Thanks for your help (and hope you're staying dry today!)
S
And waited. And waited some more. I finally got a response (almost three and a half hours later):
Hello,
To date I have received your pap results dated September 06'. I have not received your bloodwork. What lab did you go to? The only thing that will be missing is the physical exam that you can schedule with Dr. Pipsqueak's admin.
Now, did that answer all of my questions? Uh....nope. I have a sneaking suspicion that she didn't read the whole email. So, I sent this response (about a half hour later):
Hi:
Sean and I both had our blood drawn at Evil Lab on July 28th. When I asked the intake person how long it would take, she said around 7-10 days...
Thanks,S
And haven't heard a thing since. Nada. Niente.So, what the FUCK is the deal here? As much as I love Big Important Clinic, I'm not loving my Coordinator. Every time I've had to contact her, she takes tons of time to respond. Now, I know that they're busy (when I asked her about not receiving my HSG results, she told me that she was "very busy and can't get back to everyone with test results-huh???), but when I met her for the very first time, she made a point of saying how she was ALWAYS reachable by phone or email. I have yet to call her without reaching voicemail, or email her with her responding in less than three hours.
Reachable my fat, saggy ass. So, I guess when I go for my physical, I need to get my Italian Bitch on and complain to Dr. Pipsqueak. Which I hate to do, as I don't want to seem difficult.........but TOO LATE.
So, I'm sending out a little assignment to everyone out there-be creative and guess where the hell my bloodwork is. The winner will will have their answer be the title for my next post.
So, get thinking!
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Nectar of the Gods
Blerch.
So, when it rains, it pours, right?
I have a fricking "cold" (or sinus infection, virus, whatever). I went to the beach on Thursday and came home with a slight headache, from what I thought was from being out in the sun. Then came the nausea, chills and fever, along with some lovely congestion and a sore throat.
Which has made me a blob that's been vacillating between the couch and my bed ever since.
NyQuill is wonderful, however it makes me so out of it, not to mention that sleep is elusive for everyone else in the house, including me. I've apparently been snoring so badly that I've woken up poor Sean not once, but TWICE last night. Unfortunately, in his attempts to get me to roll over he ended up waking me (you know how it is when you're sick-you truly don't get into a deep sleep), and I couldn't get back to sleep right away-at least, not until I dosed myself with more NyQuill.
Sean said that it was pretty funny though, to hear me snoring like a lumberjack. Of course, I have NO MEMORY of any of this, so I'm treating all of this as hearsay...
My mother insinuated that it's the alcohol in the medication that's knocking me out and later making me loopy. Perhaps I'll just have a slug of Brandy before bed and hope for the best. Or more NyQuill.
Ah, NyQuill - the Nectar of the (Infirm) Gods-I salute you-as long as you make me better.
So, when it rains, it pours, right?
I have a fricking "cold" (or sinus infection, virus, whatever). I went to the beach on Thursday and came home with a slight headache, from what I thought was from being out in the sun. Then came the nausea, chills and fever, along with some lovely congestion and a sore throat.
Which has made me a blob that's been vacillating between the couch and my bed ever since.
NyQuill is wonderful, however it makes me so out of it, not to mention that sleep is elusive for everyone else in the house, including me. I've apparently been snoring so badly that I've woken up poor Sean not once, but TWICE last night. Unfortunately, in his attempts to get me to roll over he ended up waking me (you know how it is when you're sick-you truly don't get into a deep sleep), and I couldn't get back to sleep right away-at least, not until I dosed myself with more NyQuill.
Sean said that it was pretty funny though, to hear me snoring like a lumberjack. Of course, I have NO MEMORY of any of this, so I'm treating all of this as hearsay...
My mother insinuated that it's the alcohol in the medication that's knocking me out and later making me loopy. Perhaps I'll just have a slug of Brandy before bed and hope for the best. Or more NyQuill.
Ah, NyQuill - the Nectar of the (Infirm) Gods-I salute you-as long as you make me better.
Monday, July 30, 2007
And The Shit Keeps Rolling Downhill
It looks as if August isn't going to be the month for an IVF cycle.
I called the RE's office last week to leave a message that I was at the lovely CD#1, but the nurse was out for the day, so I left a message. The next morning my IVF coordinator called me back and told me that my IVF checklist wasn't completed yet-I still had to do a physical, get my PAP results in and do a buttload of bloodwork. WTF? I already did the frickin' bloodwork and my gyno was supposed to forward the PAP results. So, the coordinator called LapCorp (which I DETEST) to see where the bloodwork was, while I called the gyno's office to see what was up.
LapCorp lost it. They don't even have a record that we were there. The gyno's office also doesn't have a record of the fax I sent, so I had to resend it. Again.
Motherfuckers. I hope they all get crabs.
So, guess who had to redo bloodwork that will apparently take 2-4 weeks? Yup. The coordinator was supposed to fax me the request form "right away" so we could do the bloodwork on Friday (Sean had a half day from work), but "right away" turned out to be at 3:15pm, and of course the lab closes as 3pm, so we had to get up at the crack of dawn on Saturday to get blood drawn. Oh, yeah-they also added some other tests to it, so I was having blood drawn for CMV, TSH, karyotyping and Fragile X (DNA). So, now I'm freaking out thinking that they're going to find some wacky genetic disorder and then we're screwed, because PGD isn't covered by insurance (as far as I know), and we don't have about $8,000 for it......
Hopefully it won't take 2-4 weeks. The intake person at the lab said that it should only take about a week, regardless of what the tests are, but the RE's office says it takes that long. So, in the meantime, I wait. Which it seems that I'm really really good at. And which will also put me squarely into September for an IVF cycle-right at the beginning of the school year. Just fucking brilliant.
Anyone want to take bets that perhaps this cycle isn't the best of ideas?
I called the RE's office last week to leave a message that I was at the lovely CD#1, but the nurse was out for the day, so I left a message. The next morning my IVF coordinator called me back and told me that my IVF checklist wasn't completed yet-I still had to do a physical, get my PAP results in and do a buttload of bloodwork. WTF? I already did the frickin' bloodwork and my gyno was supposed to forward the PAP results. So, the coordinator called LapCorp (which I DETEST) to see where the bloodwork was, while I called the gyno's office to see what was up.
LapCorp lost it. They don't even have a record that we were there. The gyno's office also doesn't have a record of the fax I sent, so I had to resend it. Again.
Motherfuckers. I hope they all get crabs.
So, guess who had to redo bloodwork that will apparently take 2-4 weeks? Yup. The coordinator was supposed to fax me the request form "right away" so we could do the bloodwork on Friday (Sean had a half day from work), but "right away" turned out to be at 3:15pm, and of course the lab closes as 3pm, so we had to get up at the crack of dawn on Saturday to get blood drawn. Oh, yeah-they also added some other tests to it, so I was having blood drawn for CMV, TSH, karyotyping and Fragile X (DNA). So, now I'm freaking out thinking that they're going to find some wacky genetic disorder and then we're screwed, because PGD isn't covered by insurance (as far as I know), and we don't have about $8,000 for it......
Hopefully it won't take 2-4 weeks. The intake person at the lab said that it should only take about a week, regardless of what the tests are, but the RE's office says it takes that long. So, in the meantime, I wait. Which it seems that I'm really really good at. And which will also put me squarely into September for an IVF cycle-right at the beginning of the school year. Just fucking brilliant.
Anyone want to take bets that perhaps this cycle isn't the best of ideas?
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I Guess That Haircut Has To Wait
BFN today, 12 DPO
I probably didn't even need to test, really, since I've been spotting brown since yesterday.
Ah, well-I guess it's on to Syringeville next month.....
I probably didn't even need to test, really, since I've been spotting brown since yesterday.
Ah, well-I guess it's on to Syringeville next month.....
Friday, July 20, 2007
To Pee, Or Not To Pee?
"To pee, or not to pee, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the bladder to suffer
The emptying of urine without testing,
Or to use sticks against a tide of unsurety,
And by peeing, end them. To pee, to know;
The answer; and by peeing to say we end
the heart-ache and endless obsessing
That we infertiles are heiresses to-'tis an all-consuming
Desire to be had. To pee, to know;
To pee, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub;
For in using that HPT we can confirm what dreams may come...."
*shamelessly raped from Hamlet, Act III
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm going back and forth between obsessing over the last Harry Potter book and obsessing over whether or not to POAS-on the very last stick I have in the house, as a matter of fact. Since I can't afford to get any more pee-sticks, I'm trying to hold out as long as possible, but today's temptation is tough. I mean, it really IS too early, right? RIGHT?
Help me out here, people.
Let's obsess over potential signs and symptoms, shall we?
Spotting and cramping on 8dpo (and some residual today)? Check.
Ever-so-slightly-sore boobs? Check.
Frequent peeing? Check (although it just might be due to the amount of water I'm chugging down).
Sudden hunger pangs? Check.
Bloated a tiny bit? Check.
Can't stay up past 10pm? Check.
It could be PMS, but it could also be a BFP.
God, I loathe progesterone-it's the ultimate mind fuck.
Unless,of course, I really am the P word (I refuse to say it, I won't!).....then it could be my Bestest Friend in the World.
I'm still prepping for the call to the RE next week to start the Poonanny Circus that will come to be known as "IVF#4" . If things work the way they should (because let's face it-me getting "P" on a natural cycle is akin to pigs suddenly taking flight), you, my lucky friends, will get a chance to enter the "name my next IVF cycle" contest that I'm planning. The winner will get their slogan duly noted for posterity.
Hey, you've got to make SOMETHING about this crap fun where you can, right?
Totally Necessary Disclaimer: Okay, I freely admit-my iambic pentameter's not perfect, so if there are any English or Lit instructors out there, please please don't crucify me.
Whether 'tis nobler in the bladder to suffer
The emptying of urine without testing,
Or to use sticks against a tide of unsurety,
And by peeing, end them. To pee, to know;
The answer; and by peeing to say we end
the heart-ache and endless obsessing
That we infertiles are heiresses to-'tis an all-consuming
Desire to be had. To pee, to know;
To pee, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub;
For in using that HPT we can confirm what dreams may come...."
*shamelessly raped from Hamlet, Act III
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I'm going back and forth between obsessing over the last Harry Potter book and obsessing over whether or not to POAS-on the very last stick I have in the house, as a matter of fact. Since I can't afford to get any more pee-sticks, I'm trying to hold out as long as possible, but today's temptation is tough. I mean, it really IS too early, right? RIGHT?
Help me out here, people.
Let's obsess over potential signs and symptoms, shall we?
Spotting and cramping on 8dpo (and some residual today)? Check.
Ever-so-slightly-sore boobs? Check.
Frequent peeing? Check (although it just might be due to the amount of water I'm chugging down).
Sudden hunger pangs? Check.
Bloated a tiny bit? Check.
Can't stay up past 10pm? Check.
It could be PMS, but it could also be a BFP.
God, I loathe progesterone-it's the ultimate mind fuck.
Unless,of course, I really am the P word (I refuse to say it, I won't!).....then it could be my Bestest Friend in the World.
I'm still prepping for the call to the RE next week to start the Poonanny Circus that will come to be known as "IVF#4" . If things work the way they should (because let's face it-me getting "P" on a natural cycle is akin to pigs suddenly taking flight), you, my lucky friends, will get a chance to enter the "name my next IVF cycle" contest that I'm planning. The winner will get their slogan duly noted for posterity.
Hey, you've got to make SOMETHING about this crap fun where you can, right?
Totally Necessary Disclaimer: Okay, I freely admit-my iambic pentameter's not perfect, so if there are any English or Lit instructors out there, please please don't crucify me.
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