Hope Springs Eternal

Shelli came to see my matinee on Sunday, then afterwards we proceeded to go and snarf on food and tear the show apart (including Di-VA-hee hee), which was fun-I'm glad you were there, girl!

So, here's the other thing thing that I was supposed to write about on Sunday night, after the show, but I was too damn tired to look at the frickin' computer at all.....

I went to an audition on Saturday afternoon, for "Pirates of Penzance" at a company called Phoenix Productions. They perform at the Count Basie Theatre in Red Bank, NJ, which is a beautiful space that was recently renovated and is a historical landmark (I think). I show up, sing my 16 bars, and expect to hear the usual "thank you", but behold! The producer tells me to come back in the afternoon for a callback for the principal role of Mabel (a HUGE role). Since I had about three hours or so to kill, I did what I think most people do when they're unfamiliar with their surroundings-I look for the closest Starbucks.

I find one (of course I did-this is America, right?), get my iced decaf, sit in a comfy chair and beat the heat of the day, trying not to wig out that they called me back for the part. On the way back to the theatre, I start browsing around main drag of Red Bank, and I see this new-age store, and I go in, just to browse (and beat the heat-it had to be 95 degrees outside). I see this sign hanging up saying "psychic fair", and I say to myself "well, why the hell not", and I sit down for a ten minute, $10 tarot reading.

Now, I want to preface this next part by saying that I am not usually one to believe in psychics, tarot or anything that predicts the future in any way. Not because I'm afraid of it, think that it's evil or anything like that, but because a lot of times these people are full of crap and tend to ask leading questions, or that people, in their desperation, want to grasp onto something. I personally do feel that there are people out there who do have a gift, but the quacks are unfortunately in the majority. Telling the future, to me, isn't always concrete and absolute-it's just one path your life will take, if you let it.

I sit before this woman, and I tell her my name. She asks me if there's anything that I want to specifically know or ask, and I say no (again, trying not to say too much), so off she goes with the cards.

After the first card is put down (and I have no recollection as to what it was) she asks me if I am a teacher, so I say yes. Then, after a few more cards are put down, she asks me if I am starting a new job or position, so I say no. She frowned, put a few more cards down, and asks me if I have any children, so I say no (again, not giving anything away). She then asks me if I want any children, and I answer "eventually", and she says that she sees me having children "very soon". Then she put more cards down, frowned again, and asked me if I have had problems conceiving in the past-she pointed out a particular card and said that it looks like I'm seeing a doctor for a problem, and that he will help me (yay, Dr. Vest!). I was still trying to be non-commital at this point, but with every card she put down, she kept repeating that the cards show triumph over adversity, that I will get what I want, and very soon. So, I finally admitted that I was seeing a doctor for infertility, and she said that (after putting a crystal over some of the cards) she sees me getting pregnant in the summertime, and that it will be only one (I didn't tell her anything about the FET). She turned over one more card, and said that this upcoming pregnancy is something that is predestined, from someone who has already passed on. But, she kept asking me if I had a job change coming up, or a promotion, and I said no. She told me that I will be offered an opportunity very soon, and that I should take it, and trust my gut (for what, I have no idea). So, I thanked her, gave her the $10 and then left.

It kind of freaked me out, especially since I was really being so non-committal about what she was saying, but of course, it brought up all the hopefulness that I've been feeling that maybe, somehow, this FET will result in a long-awaited pregnancy. And, it feels good to be positive, but also really scary-I'm not saying that I do or don't believe this woman-because I don't want to go through another cycle that ends up negative. It's worse when you do IVF or FET, because you're PUPO (pregnant until proved otherwise) and for me, it has been the closest I've ever come to being pregnant in my life.

Hope is a good thing. Hope always walks hand-in-hand with faith. Faith is what tries to get us all through the shitty times. Fear is what breaks the two apart. And I'm definitely scared-that it won't work, that the tot-sicles won't make the thawing process, that something will go wrong, that I will have a nervous breakdown if it doesn't work.

But I still have hope. And, for now, that's enough for me.