Showdown

Okay, so here's the down-low on what happened with M.....

Just a recap: M is (or was, I suppose) my best friend growing up. I've known her forever, and we were each other's MOH in our weddings, I'm her daughter's godmother, blah blah blah. You can read some backstory here, here, here, here and here. Oh, yeah, I forgot about this one.

So, to summarize, she's a bit of a Bridezilla. It's a second wedding (although her fiance's first), and they're inviting almost 300 people to the wedding, and doing it like it's the first time all over again. Which is okay (and not for me to judge, btw), but it's almost as if she's trying to forget that she already did the same thing ten years ago, albeit it with a shitheel.

Well, as MOH, my responsibility (according to that damn bridal etiquette) was to plan and host the bridal shower (that yes, she was still having, even though they both live together and have what they need). I was planning the shower with M's mother. The only thing that M wanted (or at least, what I was told) was to have the shower close to her home, so that carting gifts and such wouldn't be a pain in the butt, which I thought was fine. So, I picked a restaurant that was close (and I happened to know that she liked, since we'd eaten there numerous times), got a guest list from her mother (since the shower was supposed to be a suprise), who got it from Sexy J, and, with her mother's approval, put down the $200 deposit back in March.

Well, at the beginning of last month, I happened to call M's mother because I had a question about the invitiations (I was trying to do the invites myself to save some $$, plus I like to be a little creative), and I find out from her mother that there were going to be 20 extra people invited. Which the restaurant couldn't hold. Now, at the beginning, her mother and I went through the guest list we received and I was told who was invited and who wasn't (plus, Sexy J told me that anyone with the last names "Blah" and "Blee" should be invited). Her mother told me that it was only for family, and close friends, but NOT work people. Her mother also told me that it was a second shower, so it shouldn't be bit. Needless to say, this threw me for a loop.

So, she asked me if the restaurant would hold that many people, and of course I told her no. So, she said that M mentioned another place (which is MAJORLY expensive), and asked me if I could get my money back from the first place. Of course I was really pissed off, and I felt like I wasn't getting the full story, so I called Sexy J. I then get a SECOND story. He told me that M's mother let it slip where the shower was after M added the extra people to the guest list, and M said that she didn't want it there, she wanted it at the other place. So I told him that, as a SUPRISE SHOWER, she doesn't really get to choose where the shower is. He then said that he doesn't want to get involved, it's none of his business, blah blah blah. Then, getting pissed off, I called M.

She tells me the same story her mother does, but then I told her what her fiance said, and of course she changed her tune. She said that she didn't want the shower at the first place because it doesn't have parking (there are three parking lots within walking distance), and if they HAD VALET SERVICES, then it would be okay. Well, they didn't have valet, and I didn't think that parking was that big of a deal to say that we shouldn't have a shower there. I pointed out that the deposit was already put down (with her mother's okay) and it would've been nice to know that earlier. So, this was going back and forth for about three days-in the meantime, I called the restaurant about the refund AND called the other place-and then on Saturday, her mother called and asked about the deposit. I told her that the restaurant told me it was non-refundable, and she said that we would have it there, then-case closed. So, she calls M and tells her that.

M told her mother that if her bridal shower was to be there, she didn't want one at all. She'd do something on her own. Her mother called me back and told me that, and I lost it.

I told her mother that I had had it, I didn't want anything to do with the shower, or the wedding at that point. Then I called M and left a message on her voicemail, calling her a selfish, spoiled bitch and that she was lucky she was getting a second shower AT ALL, and that people were trying to do something nice for her and she was shitting all over it. I said I was through.

It was two years coming. I was at the end of my rope.

So, she called me back and we argued for about an hour. She told me that I didn't have to be in charge of the whole thing, and that "everyone else thinks you're running the show" and that I wasn't involving anyone (which wasn't true-her mother and I were planning the space, and everyone else was doing other things-how can people who don't live local to her know of any LOCAL PLACES). She kept going on and on about how people had to pay for parking, and that parking is hard to get sometimes, yet she kept asking about valet parking (although I did point out to her that it was a bit hypocritical to bitch about paying for parking in a public lot yet expecting people to pay out for valet). She said that OF COURSE she wanted me to be in her wedding, OF COURSE she wanted me to be her MOH, but OF COURSE she wanted what she wanted-it's her day, after all. So, she gave me the weekend to think it over, since she said that she didn't want me to make a decision based on being upset and angry.

So, I thought about it, and I felt upset, sure. I felt shit on, and I felt like I was being played (which I told her) and manipulated. But, I was wondering to myself if I overreacted, and lost control when I should have kept my head. Of course, she's my friend, and when friends argue, we say things in anger we don't always totally mean. So I was prepared to concede-NOT to the shower, but to say that you're my friend, it's your day........and I want to be a part of it.

Well, on Monday I went to her house, and we talked. She told me that she made some decisions:

1. She put Sexy J's sister in the wedding. She originally was in the wedding, but then pulled out after we went to look at the dresses, on the excuse that I "was running the show" (she didn't know that M and I had gone a few months ago to dress shop and found the one she wanted, so I was pulling out the dress and showing it to everyone, and I guess she didn't like it), but in actuality, it was because she was having issues with her brother. So, they apparently made up and she's now a bridesmaid.

2. I'm no longer MOH, but simply a bridesmaid. Her reasoning was twofold: one, because I hurt her feelings by telling her off, and two, because she felt that she put too much pressure on me, given everything I've been through this year (IVF letdown, my grandfather's passing, being elected to get grandma from Boston), and she felt that it was partially her fault. She told me that she feels as if I've changed and that I'm so stressed out all of the time, and that the "old me" wouldn't have normally reacted the way that I did. She also said that it was more important for me to be her daughter's godmother that it was to be her MOH, ultimately.

She said that it would take "a long time" for her to get over what happened, and that her fiance doesn't feel as if I like him (which isn't true) and he's not overly fond of me right now (her exact words were: "Well, he really likes Sean, and stuff, but it's not like the four of us are going to hang out together right now, but if he saw you out in public he [J] isn't going to be nasty to you, but he isn't going to go out of his way either"-nice, right?).

So, there's the story. I'm pretty much out of a 30 year friendship and a deposit I can't get back. Great, huh?

Like I said, this has been brewing for a few years. Yes, I was wrong to lose control-I could've handled it better. But, ultimately this pretty much opened my eyes about her and our friendship. Since her seperation and divorce she's become more and more self absorbed, and has less and less to give to others. Maybe she's always been that way and I didn't realize it, or maybe it's a result of the divorce, I'm not sure. But, the fact is, our friendship changed about three years ago, and it's sad.

People think that I'm insane for even agreeing to still being a bridesmaid, but I have two reasons. Firstly, I already bought the damn dress, and it was expensive. Secondly, I refuse to take the blame for this whole thing (which I told M-I told her that I felt that I was being punished for losing control when this whole thing wasn't my fault, since I was doing it with her mother's approval. She told me that she wasn't punishing me-in fact, if she was punishing me she would've cut me out altogether), and by being in the wedding shows that I'm the bigger person. I was told that if I came back that it would be as if it were forgotten, nobody would mention it, and if someone did, then she'd "take care of it". However, if one person does, then I'm out of there.......and I don't care if it is the night before the wedding. My father seems to think that she's going to skip out of the friendship once the wedding's over, which is probably true. But, at least I know that I did my best, you know?

I feel as if she really didn't expect me to agree to being in the wedding, since she asked her fiance's sister to be in the wedding again....four months before wedding, mind you), so now she has to deal with it. Actually, she called me last night and left a message that the dresses were in (quickly said), and it was the first time in three weeks that she's called me, and of course, all she talked about was the same things: herself, the wedding, her kid, and her ex. She didn't ask me about my vacation, she didn't really ask me about anything (I offered of course-I told her about the church job, and she sort of reacted). Nothing has really changed, I guess. She's probably still pissed off, and that's fine. But, I'm not 8 years old anymore, and I refuse to beg and plead with her to still be my friend. Perhaps if she bothered to really ask how I'm doing, and actually listen, then maybe I'd be more upset about it. Yes, I've changed-I can see that, Sean can see that; but, given what I've been through, how could I be the same person? And, since she's not gone through IF (although she tried to compare herself to me, I shot that down right away and very firmly told her that we most certainly did not have that in common), how can she understand? Really, I don't expect her to understand, but I did expect her to be there as support, and not just to give me my shots. Hell, anyone could do that. Quite frankly, she was not there for me emotionally when I needed her. However, she's not the same person either. Of course, she wouldn't want to hear that, but it's true. Our experiences shape our frame of mind and our personalities, and she's not immune to that. I guess the difference is that she's allowed to be selfish and I'm not.

That's the thing about myself that I don't like-I always expect too much out of people. I expect them to treat me like I've treated them, and it usually doesn't work out that way. Maybe I'm too giving of a person, maybe I let people get away with too much, I'm not sure. I'm the type of person who will always go the extra mile for my friends, and will go out of my way to do something that they'll enjoy. I'm that dorky person who'd rather give gifts at Christmas rather than receive them-I like to watch people open gifts and see their enjoyment. Many times, it's not reciprocated. And, I don't do things because I expect it in return, but I do expect at least SOME thoughtfulness. Some respect, really. Perhaps I need a thicker skin, or perhaps I've learned my lesson finally-it's not worth it to be kind or to go out of your way. Not when you get shit on for it.

Oh, and the funniest thing about this whole thing? I got the shower invitation in the mail while I was away. It's a "surprise" (yeah, right) shower and it's going to be held at a restaurant that's about 50 minutes away from her house. So, how is that doing what the bride wants? It's so not my problem, because I decided I didn't want anything to do with the shower. Since I'm not getting my deposit back-why should I put out more money that I obviously don't have? Especially since I'm not working this summer at all now? I feel even more stupid that I turned down a summer job partly because of planning the shower and needing the time to do last minute things-stupid me, huh? I wonder if she would've done that for me.....probably not.

This morning's conversation really brought it home to me-it's not worth it. It seems that God is cutting the toxic parts out of my life, and, although I didn't really need the drama surrounding it, it's got to be for a reason, right?

There HAS to be a reason that everything is falling down around me. At least, I need to hope so.

Helloooooo.......

Hi everyone...

I'm still here. There's been LOTS of drama going on since my last post, plus we finally went on vacation (just got back late Sunday night), so I've been a bad, bad blogger.

Here's a summary of my life since we've last spoke:

1. The shit hit the fan with M and her wedding. Her mother and I were planning her shower, her mother blabbed as to where it was, M didn't want it there and pitched a stink, and I lost it and said that I didn't want anything to do with it-the shower, the wedding, nada. I got into a huge fight with M, said lots of shit that's been pent up for years, and then, three days later, I was "demoted" as MOH and made "just a bridesmaid". We haven't spoken for about three weeks, and I'm not about to make the first call. More on that later....

2. On Father's Day, I lost my church job, after being there for 11 years. I was fired by the Pastor, with the new Music Director sitting there-actually, the MD let the pastor do the dirty work. The reason? Well, on June 1st we did a special Mass celebrating Cardinal McCarrick's 50th anniversary being ordained a priest. We all knew about this for 4-6 weeks, rearranged our plans, etc. Well, at the last minute, he brought in 5 "ringers" (that's professional musicians who come in and sing/play)-and they showed up an hour before the Mass. People were pissed off (me amongst them, since I didn't know about it beforehand and I was a section leader-go figure), I was pissed off, and after the Mass I spoke to the MD and told him that people were displeased. Personally I don't have a problem with ringers-hell, I've done it myself, but I do have a problem when they come in with no rehearsal time with the group. It sends a message to the group that the director doesn't trust their musicianship, it undermines and it causes bad feelings. Well, I guess he didn't like that I said something, because two weekends later, after I cantored two Masses, I was "spoken to". So, I'm out about $1300 this summer. Which really sucks since I didn't take a summer job this year due to planning M's shower.......more on this later, too.....

3. Sean and I just got home from a cruise to the southern Caribbean, and it was AWESOME. I really really needed the break, and I relaxed, ate LOTS of food (although I still fit into my clothes, so it's ain't ALL bad), and forgot about life for a week.

4. Oh, yeah-I'm still infertile. I'm due for AF on Friday, and started that yummy brown staining this morning. I'm still doing acu, and added herbs (tea and dong quai) this month. I really don't think that they worked, but perhaps my period won't be a horror show.

So, that's it for now. I'll post tomorrow about #1 first, since it's a doozy.....

That Nasty Hope Thing

So, I'm sure that if there's anyone out there still reading this drivel, you perhaps might be wondering whether or not I'm still here.

Well, I am. I have thirty-gazillion posts running through my head, but have yet to actually put anything down. Why? Well, partly because I'm a right lazy bitch, partly because I really have had no time to blog due to spring concert/end of the year junk, and well, if I'm to be completely honest.....it's really the "same shit, different day" kind of post. I mean, how many times does anyone want to read "I'm here, I'm still infertile, I'm an emotional mess, blah blah blee....." I suppose it gets kind of old. However, that's my life right now, so really, there's no reason to sugar-coat it, I suppose.

I miss the person I used to be. I'm slowly getting my snarkiness back, but the bitterness even amazes me sometimes. And, it comes on at totally random times, which doesn't make me the belle of the ball lately. I don't want to be the Bitter Barren Bitch that I am. I want to be able to enjoy my life, whichever fertility road we end up taking. So....why can't I?

My head is a jumble of things-should we cycle again, or not? Will it work, or is it a waste of time? If we decide that the ART route is finished, then what happens next? Are we ready to throw in the towel completely or should we try other options? These things fill waking hours of my day, and at inopportune times-like in the middle of a rehearsal, teaching a class, or just at home watching TV. I want to turn these thoughts off, but I'm finding I can't. And that frustrates the hell out of me, because I don't want to be defined by my infertility. I want to be me, but I'm not sure who "me" is anymore. I got married at 27 (almost 28), at a time in my life where I just starting to figure myself out and becoming more comfortable in my own skin, and then, a year later, we were thrown into the infertility merry-go-round, so now I'm not sure if that person I was 6 or so years ago was really me or not. All I know is that the person I am now is never how I envisioned myself. And, I also know that I don't like it.

How do I change it? I have no idea. Perhaps a part of it is coming to terms with things as it relates to my fertility, or, lack of it. Does that mean that I give up hope? Or, perhaps "hope" (that nasty bitch) is clouding my judgement and keeping me from being realistic. Then again, being realistic isn't all it's cracked up to be-you run the risk of over-thinking the situation. So, the question remains-how do you know when you're done?

Well, there's a question for you (if you're still out there)-how do you know when your "hope" for a situation, whether it be infertility, or anything important, becomes more idealistic than realistic? What defines the "breaking point" for you to change your outlook?

Still here

Yeah, I'm still here. There really isn't much to write about, at least reproductively speaking.

Well, I mean there IS a whole lot, but then you'd think that I'm ten sorts of crazy, but trust me, I'm sure that you all will hear it in short order. I go back to Dr. Pipsqueak on Monday morning for the "Big Fat Failed Cycle" appointment. I'm not sure what I'm going to hear from her, but I'm sure that it'll be something that I'm not prepared for (since that is pretty much my MO for infertility), but we'll just have to wait and see.

I thank all of you for your thoughts, prayers, bitching and screaming along with me. Your support is so appreciated-words can't truly express that. There's been A LOT of shit going on here-the failed cycle, my grandfather's death (and trying to get my grandmother back here to live with my parents), and, now yesterday we had an incident in school (if anyone is in the Tri-State area, you probably know what I'm talking about).

I was there yesterday, and it was frightening that this happened in our school. It's scary that, in the world we live in that this should happen.

I just don't know what else to say, but I'll be back.

10dp3dt

BFN

Go fucking figure. Stop meds, wait for AF, rinse, repeat.

I hate my body.

That is all.

9dp3dt-When it Rains, it Pours

Yeah, yeah......still BFN......can't help myself. I've started cramping this afternoon, however, so who the hell knows what is going on.

However, we've been given some sad news last night. My 96 year old grandfather died last evening, in my grandmother's arms. He's been ill for a long time (a series of strokes, surviving stomach/esophagus cancer), but it was still a shock to get the call last night.

We've been frantically trying to figure out how the hell we're getting to Boston (and where we're staying) for the wake/funeral. Flights are fricking expensive as hell, and of course hotels aren't much better there (staying with relatives isn't an option, as they live in the North End). The services are set for Thursday and Friday. Thursday also happens to be beta day. I'm thinking of calling the RE's office to see if I can come in tomorrow for my beta instead-I'm not sure if one day or not will make a difference. We're probably not flying out until later Thursday morning, so I could feasibly still go to the RE's office. But, if it's a BFN, and I don't know about it, then I still have to travel with injection supplies on the plane, which would blow big time. Not to mention having to spill the beans to my parents, who didn't know we even did a cycle. Not really a good time to explain it all, is it?

So, as I mentioned, there's lots of things to arrange. It's keeping my mind off of whether or not any embryos are alive in there.

My grandfather isn't even my biological grandfather-my grandmother married him four or five years after her first husband (my dad's father) died. They were introduced by his sister, who was a friend of my grandmothers and lived in the same development in Florida. He married for the first time in his late 60's, and it was to my grandmother. He had no children. So, he got a ready-made family with us. And he always treated us as if we were his own. He bought me my first car, he made it possible for both my brother and I to go to whatever college we wanted to, debt-free. If we had wanted to go to law or medical school, he would have made it happen financially as well. Yes, he was extremely well-off, but he was the type of person who was generous and did it of his own free will, and with a glad heart. If it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't be where I am today. It's because of him that I went to Seton Hall, where I met Sean, where I got my degree and eventually went into education. So, you see, I owe him a lot. He was a wonderful man-he had a great sense of humor, with a thick "Nahth End" accent, intelligent as hell and loved having a good time.

I'll miss you, grandpa. Thank you for being who you were. You will be missed dearly.

8dp3dt

Still BFN. Yeah, I'm a bit of a glutton for punishment, aren't I?

Easter was okay-we had dinner at G&A's, with other friends, and had a blast (and awesome food, too). I went to bed last night with a slight headache that woke me up at 3:45 this morning, which Tylenol has subdued from blinding to a dull roar. I didn't get back to sleep until almost 6am (due to the headache and the slight nausea that accompanied it), then had to be up by 9am because I made an appointment with my GP for a physical (duh-what was I thinking??). So I got to sleep for a few hours this afternoon and now I feel sort-of human.

As for the "are we or aren't we" symptom front.....well, I was really crampy Friday and Saturday, then Sunday evening when I used the toilet there was a pink stain on the TP that had some EWCM-like substance in it (c'mon, doesn't EVERYONE check their TP obsessively during the 2WW like it's a treasure map? Or perhaps it's more like looking at one of those hologram paintings, where it changes as you walk past it...it's a fruit! It's an elephant!..). Now, nothing. The crappy headache is a new development-it's on my right side, in my eye, and running around my head to my neck, with a runny nose ONLY on the right side, so I'm assuming it's a sinus thing. Oh yeah, and my BOOBS-holy SHIT! They KILL right now! I don't remember them hurting this much before-it actually has woken me up in the middle of the night as I turn over in bed. It actually hurts to lie on my side in bed-it feels like there are two huge boulders under my skin. The only time they don't hurt is when they're firmly encased in my bra. Which I'm seriously considering wearing to sleep tonight to see if it will help. Ouch.

Let's not mention the usual chemically induced greasy hair, acne on my shoulders and back (another new one) and progester-rage. I've forgotten just how much fun this drug is. And, sick as it sounds, I'll gladly take it for another three weeks if the beta is positive. Sore ass and all-I'll have a big motherfucking smile on my face the whole. damn. time.

So....I have NO ideal what the hell is going on. I'm not scheduling anything past Thursday in relation to my PIO shots (Thursday is beta day), just because I'm a superstitious fool. Do I think I'm pregnant? Honestly, realistically....I don't know. In my heart there is this little voice that tells me not to give up just yet, that it's still waaay too early to know for sure. The only time I got a BFP on an Evil Pee Stick of Despair it was the day before my beta. I'm really trying not to obsess, but well...we've all been down that road before, right? I'm just trying to fill my time so that I'm unable to obsess too much.


More later-time to make dinner, and I'm starving-damn progesterone! You're ruining my diet! And, I've got a lovely loaf of good Italian bread that I got with our pasta dinner. Which I plan on devouring.

Infertility really really does suck.

7dp3dt

I took an Evil Pee Stick this morning.

Yes, I do know it's too early.

It was snow white. One line. No more trigger shot in my system.

Now the real waiting begins. The part that could be my undoing. The part that is the worst.

T minus 4 days until beta day.

That is all......

2dp3dt-Deja Vu

Well, here we are.....again......for the eighth (yep, I counted) time.

So, what have I been doing? Well, school lets out tomorrow, so with the short week I've been busy, not to mention the weekend at church (I have another rehearsal tomorrow night). I've been really good about sitting a lot, drinking water and taking it easy, but it's been hectic.

As for how I'm feeling.....well, pretty good. I'm bloated and want to eat everything in sight, but really, I'm amazed at how well I feel. I guess this is the norm with an IVF cycle, but for me, it's nothing short of amazing. I remarked to Sean last night that the last cycle we actually had with a fresh transfer was over two and a half years ago, which is mind-blowing to me.

I am still a bit crampy-it's more obvious when my bladder is full, but I'm not sure as to whether or not this is normal (I'm assuming it's from the progesterone, that rat-bastard). My ovaries seem to have calmed down, and I can't feel them like I did the first few days after the retrieval. I go in for a hormone check tomorrow morning, then I've got a week to go until beta day. I also have to find out if the four embryos left were able to be frozen or not.

I've also been going to my acupuncture appointments-I had one this afternoon, and one Thursday, and I think that it's really helping me relax more. She's been treating me as if I'm already pregnant, so nothing in the belly, but in my ears, legs, inside of the wrists, in bewteen the eyes (!) and in my scalp. It didn't hurt, and I even got to take a little nap while on the table. I think, no matter what the outcome, I'll still continue with acupuncture-I've found that I actually like it.

Then again, I'm also having a two and a half inch needle shoved in my ass every night, so what the hell do I know.

A Nice Surprise

Just got home from the transfer. We transferred in three great looking embryos-one 7-celled and two 8-celled. Both the Dr. Smiley and the embryologist (who also happens to be her husband) both feel that they were really nice, so now we hunker down to wait.

The surprise came when Dr. Smiley came back to see us before the transfer, to tell us that, although we were told on Friday that we only had 5 embryos fertilize, they were surprised to find yesterday that two more decided to fertilize. They're slow growing, but are looking okay. So, we've got 4 that they're watching, and will possibly freeze........let's hope so.

Let the waiting begin.

Perhaps, I SHOULD have worried.....*updated*

Just got the call, from Dr. Pipsqueak herself.

5 fertilized. Only 5. They're recommending that I transfer 3 embryos. She said that it "looks good, but it's still early". There is a chance that I'll have a 5 day transfer, but I won't know until Sunday morning (the day of what would be the 3 day transfer).

Fuck.

Why do I get the feeling that this is going to TOTALLY suck? Why can't something go my way, for once in my life?

Fuck.

*************************

Transfer is set for Sunday at 12pm (also known around these parts as "high noon"). I'm to be at the surgery center at 11am with my big-ass bottle of water and ready for anything. If it ends up being a 5 day transfer, they'll call me on Sunday morning......nothing like waiting until the last minute, huh?

Of course, that means that I'm not singing the last two Masses on Palm Sunday....oh, well.....priorities, you know.....

ER

Perhaps I shouldn't have worried.

24 eggs retrieved. As to how many are actually mature and have fertilized, we'll find out tomorrow.

It would be nice if I were able to make it to a 5 day transfer, wouldn't it?

I feel pretty good-sore, but not really bloated. No bleeding. Hey, is this what it's supposed to feel like when you're not hyperstimulated? What a frickin' concept. I'm still drinking a shitload, just to hedge my bets.

Okay, back to bed......more news (hopefully) tomorrow.

Day 9...Hoo Boy....

Nurse Blondie's instructions for tonight, as follows:

Take HCG trigger (10,000iu) tonight promptly at 10pm, come in for monitoring tomorrow, then be at the surgery center at 8am Thursday.

We're on our way. To say that I'm scared shitless is an understatement.

Today's wanding showed my lead follicles at 18mm, with the rest hanging out at 15-17, and the smallest ones at less than 10mm. So, there seems to be enough follicles for ER-hopefully they will be mature eggs, though. My E2 jumped up from 1400 to 2000 (from Sunday to Monday), so I'm to assume that today's numbers were over 2000. I was told with the last cycle that they won't do a transfer with any numbers over 4000, due to the OHSS risk, so I guess I'll know tomorrow what the final count is.

Please God, let there be enough eggs that are good this time. Also, not bloating up like a watermelon and feeling miserable would be a bonus, too.

Please please please let this work out.

Stims, day 8-Brewing Follies

And, on today's episode of "Follicularly Yours".....

Watch as S goes AGAIN for morning monitoring to be told that her E2 has risen from 400 to 1400 in a matter of two days, and has her Follistim lowered yet again from 75iu to 50iu....

Yep, today's date with the dildocam showed a buttload of nicely brewing follicles-the largest being 15-16mm, a whole bunch measuring 12-13mm, and the rest measuring <10mm. Dr Smiley is doing monitoring this week (I so totally love her in a non-romantic way!), and she mentioned that we'll probably have the retrieval being from Friday to Sunday, depending on when we trigger. I'm hoping that it'll be earlier rather than later, because I'm supposed to sing the WHOLE DAMN WEEKEND for Palm Sunday, and it'll totally suck to have to get a sub. I have the feeling that it will be earlier, given the phone call from Nurse Blondie telling met to lower my dose, rinse, repeat, and see ya tomorrow in the clinic. The other plus is that Dr. Smiley will be doing my retrieval (YAY!), which is cool (as cool as someone sticking a 12" needle through your cooter into your ovaries to suck eggs out of your body can possibly be, I suppose). I'm actually feeling pretty good, which is a definite change from past cycles. Usually, at this point I'm a bloated, hormonal, uncomfortable mess, so I consider this a definite improvement already. I'm just praying that my E2 doesn't start to get out of control, but I have faith that the RE's are on top of the whole situation. Hey, did I mention that I'm going to do acupuncture again? Yah, except this time it's not with a blind acupuncturist (not that there's anything wrong with that, btw.....okay, it DOES sound a bit odd, doesn't it?)-the hospital affiliated with Big Important Clinic has an outpatient center that has, along with the usual mammograms and MRI's, an alternative wellness center. They work with a lot of BIC's patients who are going through IF treatment, and will work around the transfer times to make sure that you get your treatments in. They seemed very nice on the phone, and I go tomorrow afternoon for my consult. Hey, if anything it'll relax me a little bit, so I'm up for anything at this point.

So, about the whole PCOS thing..... I am planning to speak to the RE's about either getting further testing or going on Metformin-everything I've been reading is indicating that taking Met not only improves IF treatment success, but helps in possibly preventing miscarriage. If I'm lucky enough to get knocked up this time around I'd like to hedge my bets, if possible (and, if it's needed). It's a lot to process, really, but in a lot of ways it makes a lot of sense. Perhaps it's the "missing link" for us...who the hell knows. As long as it gets me pregnant (and keeps me that way), that's the important thing, right?

Stims, Day 7-Slow and Steady Wins the Race?

I've been staying on my 100iu of Follistim/10iu of Lupron for the past six nights. At my monitoring appointment this morning, after seeing my follicle count (three or four at 15mm, then a shitload less than 10) and being told that I'm to be seen daily from this point on, I asked how my E2 levels looked. Dr. C told me that it was over 400, which she was happy about, but she knew that this is the part of my cycle where my E2 levels start to take off, so she wants to be very cautious from this point on.

She must have made an accurate prediction, since the call from the nurse informed me that I need to reduce my Follistim to 75iu, stay on the same dose of Lupron, and that they'd see me in the office tomorrow morning.

Now, I did ask her this past week about the PCOS comment she made at my suppression check, and had a VERY interesting conversation. Apparently, I'm on the "PCOS spectrum", as far as BIC is concerned. I may get AF every month, however, my cycles tend to be on the longer side, I have gained weight that has seemed to collect around my midsection, have had some hair grow in odd places since I stopped birth control almost six years ago, the acne, and my ovaries present in a "classic" polycystic pattern (called PCO-polycystic ovaries), especially when stimmed (like now). Great, right? So, I asked her why nobody has ever explained this to me in the gazillion years we've been TTC, and she said that, with PCOS, not everyone has the "classic" signs of PCOS-you can have a few of the symptoms that could easily be explained away by other things. Unfortunately, for me, my ovaries and the way they react to Lupron and FSH are the main sign-my ovaries kind of looked like this at my supression check.

It freaks me out that, after all this time, my shitty ovaries are part (perhaps a BIG part) of the problem. It's looking like it ain't my shitty tube that's the issue, but my ovaries going haywire. I'm trying to get as much information about PCO as I can. It does make sense to me, though, so I'm not disagreeing with it at the moment.

I'm just hoping that this doesn't get all fucked up-that this cycle will be the right ingredients of science and luck. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Let's hope so.

Who Says Drugs Aren't Fun?

Yesterday I began my Follistim shots (100 iu), and HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT, I totally forgot how much they sting! Yah, it was like a shock as I was injecting it, and you could hear the "owowowowowowow this FUCKING HURTS" from around the corner last evening. It makes the Lupron look like a piece of cake.

So, I got up at the BUTT CRACK of dawn yesterday to be at BIC (sign in time was 5:58 am) to be drained of a vial of blood and a turn at the dildocam. The doctor on monitoring yesterday morning had an ultrasound tech with her for (what I'm assuming) is training, and as I'm getting violated probed, the RE indicated my Lupron-shrunken ovary and casually says, "And here you can see the classic PCOS follicle formation...." Uh....what? PCOS? I don't HAVE PCOS! At least, nobody told ME that I have PCOS! So now I'm having a mini-panic attack and will have to address it with her tomorrow at my first follicle check.

Okay, so........can we talk about how much the Lupron SUCKS this time around? I mean, really REALLY blows big monkey chunks? I was on 20 iu to start (I dropped to 10 as of last night) and wow....I really got the side effects this time around, especially the headaches. Luckily, last week's bout with the flu masked them for the week, but.....it feels like my head is in a vice ALL THE DAMN TIME. The Tylenol that I'm taking is doing absolutely nothing for it, either, and that (and Sudafed) is basically the only thing I can take at this point. I'm starting to think that the only cure for this is to repeatedly bash my head against a wall (taking a running start, of course), but then I'd have to explain the bruises and then Sean could possibly look like a wife-beater, and then I'd have to bail him out......you know the scene. I remarked on the Lupron Suckfest to Nurse Blondie yesterday afternoon when she called to give me the go-ahead on the FolliSTING, and she said that it would "get better soon"........well, WHEN!?! ARRRGH.

Oh, yeah.....I'm also having random moments of complete insanity mood swings as well, which is super fun for Sean. He's taken to tiptoeing around the house and rarely speaking above a whisper when around me, which is starting to make me feel like I have some incurable disease and annoys me even more. And the GAS..............let's just say that, thanks to me, we've been saving on heating costs the past two weeks. I'm also afraid to turn on the stove due to a gas explosion.

It should get better, right? I don't remember it being this bad. I'm chalking it up to the larger doses of Lupron, but I'm going to lose it if I have to feel like this for the next 7-10 days.

Hopefully it'll get better......soon....

I'm Alive.....

This morning is the first time since Saturday that I've woken up and felt somewhat human. Not like a piece of sludge, which has defined basically the last five days. I've forgotten just how shitty the flu actually is-I haven't had it in YEARS, and boy, it SUCKS. Poor Sean-he was such a good nurse, despite my moaning and bitching and lying in the fetal position on a sweat-soaked bed (yeah, can you say "SHITTY PATIENT"?? I know you can!) and calling for my mommy (yeah, I did that too-I have no shame). I'm still really tired and achy, though. And, suddenly my nose has become a mass of sticky, yellowish snot (sorry for the graphics there) that's making me really glad that I'm seeing the doctor this afternoon, since I'm probably getting a sinus infection on top of it all. Ah, well, I haven't had my yearly sinus infection yet, so I guess I'm well overdue.

But wow, that was a bad one. I haven't been that sick in a long time. One of the positives (besides missing work this whole week-no church job, no sick kids....YAY!) is that I lost FIVE pounds! Considering I subsisted on a diet of 4 pieces of toast, three cups of tea, water and a bowl of chinese chicken rice soup in the five days I was really bad, I can see why. *Sigh*-I know it'll come back on again, especially since I'll be starting stims once I get my Luproperiod. Which should be soon, since I've starting the brown sludgy spotting. I just need to make sure the doctor knows so if I need drugs she'll know what to prescribe.

So.....yeah......I'm seeing a new GP today. I've been meaning to switch for AGES, since my original docs (who I LOVE) are really really too far away for me to get to. Like, over an hour away. Which not only makes it inconvenient for appointments, but if I ever needed to be admitted to a hospital, I'm screwed. So, luckily my health insurance doesn't require that you declare a primary doctor, so I can go to anyone. My regular twatotologist's wife is an internist, and when I went to him back in October he gave me a referral. I did intend to make a well visit appointment, but you know.....life gets in the way. And, now, here I am.

Okay, I'm off to have the first real breakfast in about a week-more than toast, that is. Eggs! Coffee! Oooh....can't wait.....

Watch, my stomach will probably rebel and I'll end up in the bathroom today. But, it's worth it.

Ugh

Here's the mathematical equation for the day, folks:

20cc of Lupron + the flu=one miserable person.

Yup-I've got the flu. I didn't feel great on Saturday night (scratchy throat), but I thought that it was allergies, but then it hit me full force yesterday morning. Ever try to shoot up when you've got a fever of 101 degrees? Yeah, it blows. At least I really didn't feel it, due to the achy feeling that's running throughout my body. I mean, even my TOES hurt. Sheesh.

Well, at least I'm not feeling the Lupron side effects as much-I guess the flu cancels them out. So, instead of hot flashes, I've got the chills. I'd rather have the hot flashes, honestly. This just blows.

Watch......I bet I'll even get my period this week. Just to make it even MORE interesting. Because that's the kind of luck I have.

I'm off to re-dose myself with meds so I can crash again.....

My (Lupron) Buddy and Me

My sorry ass got up at 4:30 this morning so I could make it to BIC in time for my appointment this morning. Of course, when I got there I was told that it would be bloodletting only, and no date with the CrotchCam, which slightly annoyed me because (a). I obviously didn't have to worry about the grooming status of my poonanny, and (b). I COULD HAVE SLEPT LATER. Sheesh. But, there is a plus side to this-at least I didn't have that "slimy cooter feeling" that you get after a date with the Wand. I mean, REALLY......no flowers, candy or a nice dinner, just that ever-so-slightly slimy "morning after" feeling from the gel. I might as well have someone leave cab money on the bedside table as they walk out the door.....but I digress.

Hey, at least they WARM the damn gel first. You've got to be grateful for the little things when you do an IVF cycle.

Anyways, I got my blood drawn, got my protocol from the nurse on call this morning, and got my phone call telling me that tonight's the night to start my BFF, Loopy Lupron. 20 lovely units to be shot into my slightly less poochy abdomen. I'm SO looking forward to the hot flashes and headaches that will surely be here soon. But, we do what we must, right? Since I don't have a choice I'm just going to make Lupron-ade from my Lupron. Minus the syringe, of course. Unless I use it as a stirrer.......nah.....never mind.

So, the only snag in the cycle start is that I got a call from my IVF Coordinator, who confirmed that my twato sent my PAP results.....but that I didn't have any signed consent forms on file for this cycle. Figures, right? I mean, WHEN does a cycle go smoothly for me (or anyone else, for that matter)!? I was freaking out that I wouldn't be able to start my injections tonight, but she's going to fax me the consents tomorrow and I'll haul ass up to a friend's house to do the notarization (he's a lawyer-yay!). Whew-I thought I was going to have a stroke when she told me that, but it'll work out.

I've also decided on doing acupuncture again for this cycle, albeit with a different person. Not that I didn't like the last guy, but I want to try someone different, perhaps someone with more experience with infertility. The fact that I want to willingly subject myself to MORE needles is just proof that I'm really messed up in the head. Or that I have a needle fetish? You decide.

Well, I'm off to shoot up-perhaps I'll have a last glass of Chianti beforehand-it'll hurt less (and I'll be less inhibited, who knows). At least, that's my excuse right now.

Back on the (ART) Bandwagon

We've finally made our decision-it's time for IVF#4. I go on Tuesday morning to Big Important Clinic for bloodwork and a wanding (ah, Follicular Lurve Wand....how I've pined for thee!); if all goes well, I'll start Lupron that evening.

I am, quite honestly, scared shitless. It would be different if it were our first cycle-full of the optimism that it will surely work and we'll end up with twins and everything will be picture perfect, blah blah blah. Three IVF cycles, numerous FET's, and a lot of heartache later, Sean and I both know that there's no guarantees in this. We're both a bit jaded about it all; in some ways, we're sort of going through the motions with this-perhaps it's because we're unsure of the outcome (ie. a baby) or maybe it's because we've been through this before and we're used to the drill....I'm not sure.

That doesn't mean to say that the old whore named Hope isn't peeking her gnarly head through and pushing me along, because her saggy ass is definitely making her presence known. I've lost weight (a total of 14 pounds so far), have been eating healthier, am contemplating acupuncture again during this cycle and have made a solemn vow that I will absolutely let NOTHING stress me out at work. Not that this has any bearing whatsoever on the outcome of an IVF cycle, but I like to hedge my bets.....just in case. Hey, you never know, right?

I realized this morning that every single time I've cycled or done a FET, there was someone else in my life who was also cycling or TTC. Inadvertently, I ended up being somewhat of a "pregnancy magnet"-every single person (and I'm not kidding) ended up pregnant and had successful deliveries, and I ended up with BFN's. This time around, there is nobody that I know that is either currently TTC, either with ART or au naturale; it's just me (and those of you out there who are currently cycling). A sign, perhaps, that this could possibly work? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm as ready as I'll ever be, and I'll do everything in my power to maximize our last chance at this. The doctors are prepared (daily monitoring-what fun!), and I'm as prepared as I can be.

Let the games begin!