Here I Am

It's been a rough week or so since the last post. I have so much to say, and so many things whirling through my head that I don't (can't?) know how to put down. I feel as if I've been gagged, in a way-there are so many emotions running through me and, yet, I can't express them. I've never felt like this before.

Plus, I've had no desire to do anything, except sit on the couch and watch Oprah. And, she's starting to piss me off, so even that isn't working. Needless to say, I'm a fucking mess.

But, I did want to thank you all for your kind thoughts-even saying "holy crap, that fucking sucks monkey balls" means a lot to me. It does help. Even if I still feel like shit, even when I feel as if there will never be a happy ending for us, your support does help, in ways I can't begin to truly express here without sounding cheesy. So, thank you.

There are a lot of thoughts running through my head. For some reason, it's taken me longer this time to get over this latest disappointment. I really think it's because this is starting to take a toll on me, emotionally. I feel lost, drifting in a sea of confusion and apathy. Do I quit, or do I keep going with treatments? How has this changed me, and is it for the better? Do I really care? Am I becoming a cynical, bitter person, devoid of faith or hope? How badly do I want a baby? How far will I go?

Like I said, lots of questions. But, no answers, which really pisses me off. And, we're not likely to get them, at least not in the near future. FET appt, by the way, is on December 8th, so let's see what they say......

Beta

And the results are.............

I'll give you a hint............it's not positive.............

That's right folks, you guessed it-negative beta. Again. I'm batting 0 for 3 right now-three IVF's, three FET's. Or, 39 cycles, if you want to get technical about it.

Perhaps I should just throw in the towel-I mean, it's obvious that it's not going to work for us. What's the point of putting myself through this hell, when I end up with nothing? Nothing except for an extra-heavy period and another month of my life without what I really want. Whoopee-Happy Fucking Holidays.

Peace out-time to make the "why the FET didn't work" follow-up with the RE.

9dp3dt

So, I didn't even get to use the Evil Pee Stick of Despair this morning. When I woke up, I went to the bathroom, and when I wiped there was blood. Bright red blood. Nothing in the toilet, no clots. But, blood.

And the cramping is still there.

I called the RE's office and spoke to a nurse. She told me that it could be my period, or I could be pregnant-it's difficult at this time to tell between pregnancy and periods, because apparently women who go through ART are more likely to bleed during pregnancy. She just said to try to keep off of my feet and take it easy today. However, they're moving up my beta to tomorrow-I mean, why prolong the inevitable? Just put me out of my misery.

It's going to be negative. Again. I just know it. I'm just numb-I don't know what to do anymore. Why won't this work for me? Why is my body failing me yet again? Why doesn't anyone have answers for me. How much longer can I go on doing this?

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**update**
The spotting stopped. The last time I went the bathroom (to poop-sorry if TMI) there was no blood. I peed a few times before that and there was no bleeding, just a small smear of brown. I am still cramping, though not as much as earlier this morning. I'm just trying to take it easy and relax, but it's so damn hard. At least they'll take me for the beta tomorrow, so I'll know either way.

8dp3dt-The Beginning of the End?

Today I've been feeling crampy on and off, like AF is on it's way. About a half-hour ago, when I went to use the bathroom and wiped afterwards, there was a small spot of blood-a tiny bit, the size of a pinprick. There was also a browish bit, kind of like I the stuff I get before AF comes.

I really don't want to test tomorrow-I am getting the feeling that it will be negative, which will only reinforce the fact that this didn't work. But that probably won't stop me, will it? Nope.

AF or the "P" word? I guess we'll find out in a few days.

7dp3dt-Grumble, Grumble, Bitch and Moan

Okay, this waiting shit is getting SERIOUSLY old. Quickly. I'm a bit testy today, can you tell? Probably because I have yet another headache, courtesy of.......who the hell knows. Most of my "symptoms" have been more than likely progesterone-related: bloated, moody, sleepy, hungry, sore and itchy boobs, cramping/pulling feelings. However, there is a plus side-my hair and skin look fierce-hopefully that will be a precursor if this ever works. But, the headaches are a new thing, that I haven't had before. I had a headache for two days straight in the beginning of the week, then I came home, took a nap for about an hour and then, when I woke up, had a killer headache. I took a Tylenol (which is the only thing I can take-it's about akin to dousing a fire by peeing on it), and it's dulled the pain, but didn't completely remove it. Grrr.....

No, I haven't tested yet. I am going to try to hold off until Sunday-it'll be two days before beta day, so more than likely it'll be more accurate. The jury is still out as to whether it'll be positive or not. I am not holding out much hope-I don't know why I say that, but usually my gut feelings turn out to be correct. Then it'll be back to the drawing board, I guess.

I found out today that yet another teacher at school is pregnant. They just keep dropping like flies, it seems. I wish to God that it were me. I wish that every single day. I've done everything I could, pray, visit shrines, done acupuncture, ate lots of protein, ate pineapple, drank raspberry tea, eliminated caffiene, bargained, begged..........and nothing. I'm about to hop a plane to see Watson and get her mom's healer on the case. And, from what Watson has written, I'd have to be incurably insane to even contemplate that. But, I'm contemplating it.

I'm just getting tired of the whole rollercoaster. I'm too afraid to jump off just yet, but how long can I take this stress and anxiety? How long until I have a breakdown?

I just want a baby. I really don't think that it's too much to ask, do you?

6dp3dt-Waiting Sucks Big Moose Testicles

I caved and bought the Evil Pee Sticks of Despair. However, as a testament to my own fucked-sense of "self-control" (because, let's face it-if I really had self-control, I wouldn't have even bought the damn things to begin with), the box is still sealed. Let's take bets to see how long it'll be before I rip the box to shreds in an attempt to urinate on those killjoys.

I'm going with Saturday. Sean won't be around, and the temptation will be too much. At least, if he's around, he keeps me busy, but I can't be responsible for what I do if he's not here.

Ugh. I fucking hate this waiting. Patience may be a virtue, but it's one that I don't have right now.

Five more days. Then all will be revealed. As to whether or not I have a feeling if it worked-well, I don't know. Usually I can pretty much trust my instinct, but this time I'm not sure. Perhaps it did, perhaps it didn't. I just wish that I could be just like everyone else-to not have to worry , and wait, and hope, and doubt my own body's ability to implant an embryo.

The 2WW is a mindfuck. And that's all I have to say about that.

5dp3dt-Housekeeping and a Meme, Or Ways to Pass The Time In The 2WW

Well, I've switched over to Blogger Beta-might as well, right? They're going to do it eventually down the road, so I just got a head start. So far, so good-I need to play around with it a bit.

I also did some housekeeping on the blog-added my new gmail address, went through my blogroll, which was a bit weird. I deleted some blogs that I read religiously, but are now defunct, which was a bit sad. I also added in those that I've been reading for awhile, but haven't been posting to, so if I forgot anyones, or if you want your blog added, just send me an email and I'll put it in.

Now, what's a 2WW without a meme? Thanks to Nickie, I've got one, so here it is:

Five Things You May Not Know About Me:

1. I never got to attend my high school graduation. I actually found out, about five days before, that I had failed a class by three-tenths of a point, and the teacher refused to pass me because I was in the music program in high school and she was pissed off that I was being taken out of her class for chorus dress rehearsals. My parents went to school to appeal, they tried to get the board of education to make an exception, but no dice. So, I was not allowed to attend, and had to get a tutor for the summer in order to pass and be able to keep my acceptance for college. Stupid cow. I hope she gets crabs.

2. I absolutely cannot go to sleep without socks (hereafter called "sockies"-the kind of slipper grip socks that you get) on. Even in the summer. For some reason, I can't sleep with my feet uncovered-it freaks me out to have bare feet on the sheets. My favorites are a fleece pair that feel so soft....bliss. Just call me quirky, I guess.

3. I am distantly related, somehow, to a certain actor who gained notoriety within the past few years for allegedly murdering his wife. And no, it ain't OJ. Apparently, his mother and my great-grandmother were closely related (they were sisters, I believe, but I'm not sure). I've never personally met him, but I think I remember my grandfather saying he did, once.

4. I love cheese. There, I've said it. Everything must contain cheese, or life ain't worth living. Well, everything except blue and goat cheese-they're too gross for me. My ultimate favorite late-night snack is a cheddar cheese and mayo sandwich on wheat bread. My mother used to gag every time she saw me making it. Let's just say that I'm sure that I don't have a calcium deficiency and that my arteries have been probably screaming for mercy for about 10 years now. I'm probably short-listed for Lipitor, too.

5. My great-grandfather was adopted. His story is the classic tale of the baby born out wedlock (and fathered by the town rich boy) and left on the church steps in Italy. He was adopted, then, later on as an adult, right before he left for America, he found out who his biological father was. When he arrived at Ellis Island, he gave his father's surname as his own to the immigration authorities. It's unclear as to why he went to America-he apparently left Italy "suddenly". Then again, I did find out from my mother that he was also a bookmaker during the Depression (and no, I don't mean a person who binds novels, if you get my drift *crooking nose to the side with finger*), so it's probably shady all around. By the way, he also had bright red hair and freckles-he looked like someone from Limerick rather than from Avellino, Italy. Go figure.

Well, there it is-my meme. Whoever wishes to participate, go for it-I won't tag anyone (you've already probably done it in the past).....

Now, what else to do for the next 6 days? Arrgh-this SUCKS!

3dp3dt: Here We Go Again....

God, how I detest the two week wait. Usually, the first week is not so bad, but, the second part of it......well, I'd rather eat shards of glass. And wash it down with battery acid. With a side of razor blades. You get the idea.

The show is over. I've got mixed feelings about it. The cast was great, the acting was great, but the music......substandard. Yes, it's community theater, but my personal opinion is that the musicians themselves weren't so bad-it was the conductor/musical director. Honestly, if you're being paid about a grand to do a job......well......DO IT, and do it well. But, it's all over and now I need something to obsess over until the beta.

I've been feeling a bit crampy today, low down, and have had a headache tonight. I refuse to look into the usual signs and symptoms, the "maybe's" that will suck you in for the 2WW. I know, realistically, that it's just the progesterone supplements that are fucking with me. They're just a big headgame, and I don't want to freak myself out. I just have to hope that those two embryos are burrowing their way into my uterus (or, at least one-I'm not greedy, really) and settling in.

We're back on the rollercoaster again, my friends. Whether I stay on the ride or end up puking and having to be removed is still anyone's guess. I'm hoping to stay on, though-and I HATE rollercoasters.

However, I'd gladly make an exception, at least in this case.

They're In

Today's transfer went amazingly well.

We met with Dr. Cheery, who told us that we had a choice to make. They thawed all 8 of the day 2 embies, and ended up with five-two that looked really good, and then three that they would watch for a few days, and, if they go to blast stage, will refreeze. So, our choice was either transfer the original two in, or add one more that looked good. Since adding another one isn't going to up our chances of pregnancy, only a greater chance of multiples, we went with the two (which we were told were a 7-and 8-celled "very good embryos-they don't do grading at BIC), which both Dr. Cheery and the embryologist were happy about.

I got a nice surprise in the OR, when Dr. Cheery and the embryologist approached the table with the pictures-the 8-celled embryo became a morula since earlier today-it just confirmed the choice we made about only transferring two. So, in they went, with no problems.

Of course, being the overachiever that I am, I drank way too much water beforehand. Like, I almost wet myself in the waiting room. I actually had to void a small cupful before the transfer-let me tell you, I must have great Kegel muscles, because it took everything I had not to finish peeing once I started. I was still full though, and, for the first time in my life, I had to use a bedpan in the recovery area...and filled the whole damn thing....ewwww. Hey, it's better than peeing myself, the doctor or the nurses. I guess there's got to be a first for everything.

Thanks to all of you for your good luck mojo (and Shelli-thanks for the voicemail-I let Sean listen to it and he had a chuckle at your whoo-de-ha reference) and kindness. It means even more, considering neither of our families know about this cycle (we only told two really close friends who are sworn to secrecy). So, thanks again-you all rock.

So, that's it. Beta is on the 21st. Everything that can be done has been done. There's nothing left to do but wait.

A Chance At Hope

I'll be there in two hours and 45 minutes. Wow.

How do I feel about this FET? Well, I've got some mixed feelings about this one. Not that I think that it's going to or not going to work, but I don't dare to hope that this will work out. I'm afraid to think of it at all, really. I try as hard as possible to put it from my mind, so as not to dwell on the "what if's". I am excited though-it's like a new chance at hope. But I don't want to be let down yet again, and right before Thanksgiving too (that's when the beta is-two days before Thanksgiving). Plus, I have a performance tonight, and I'm having slight anxiety that perhaps doing a FET today, then performing tonight isn't the best thing to help those chances along. Although, I was in the same situation for my first FET, and it initially worked, so........

You see why I can't let myself think about it-it just makes me mental (or, even more mental than normal).

The Doryx is killing me-the STENCH coming from my lower digestive tract is enough to euthanize a large farm animal. Thank GOD I take my last tablet tonight. I might have to take some anti-gas stuff, or else I'll end up suffocating my dressing room mate tonight. Although, I could blame it on the guys using our bathroom (in the theater, our dressing room is on the first floor, and it's the only one with a bathroom, so others use it besides us). That's the one plus about being one of two women in a 26 member cast-you can blame shit like that (pardon the pun) on the guys. Heh.

In other news, we got a write-up in one of the local newspapers about the show, and the reviewer loved it! I got the link sent to me by a castmate, and when I opened it up I saw a picture of myself and the two guys that play Franklin and Adams on the top-woot! The reviewer called me "the picture of charm, with a dash of sauciness". I swear, I don't know the guy, but he's got my number, all right.....well, at least I'm not belching, swearing, and telling dirty jokes onstage-then everyone would know that I'm not acting-it's all me.

Well, off I go to shower and not use any fragrances (Lut, I did get your comment, and I was told that the reason for that is since the transfer is done in the operating room, they want a sterile environment. They also want no chemical residue on you that could possibly damage the embryos.). I'll be back on later today to give you the report.

Please, please let there be something to transfer. Please let them be strong and healthy.

Please, let this work.

We've Got A Time, People

Nurse Blondie called and left a message this afternoon. I need to be at the Women's Center Friday afternoon at 12:45pm, big-ass bottle of water on hand. No perfumes, deodorant (ewwww!) or hairspray of any kind to be used. Just me, au natural.

Should I shave the cooter in a funky shape, for shits and giggles? Perhaps in the style of an embryo? Or maybe a heart, and write inside it "I *heart* Dr. Pipsqueak" (I think that she's on for transfers)? Maybe a geometric pattern? The jury's still out on that one-it would sure be a topic of conversation, wouldn't it? Heh.

I've started all the meds, and I'm feeling a bit "testy", thanks to the progesterone pills. Hey, beggars can't be choosers, though-at least it ain't the ass shots this time. The Medrol tastes like ass, though. Did you ever notice that there's a nasty bitter aftertaste after you swallow Medrol tablets? Kinda like licking the inside of a rusty tin can that once contained overcooked broccoli rabe, but more gross. And no, I'm not chewing them. I try to get them down in my gullet as quickly as possible. The water isn't helping either-it just washes the ass-taste across my tongue and into my taste buds. Blech. And let's not get into the Doryx. Suffice it to say that I have had no problems in the defecatory department since starting them yesterday. Or the gaseousness seeping out of my pooper, either. The cats are fighting to sleep next to me, since I'm warmer than sleeping next to the radiator. Thank God they don't try to bury under the blankets-then we'd have petrified kitties to wake up to.

It'll all be over in 48 hours or so. I've got some plans here for the 2WW to keep my sanity alive, so stay tuned.......

Bribery Is A Good Thing, Really

I guess that the bribery on the girls worked, because I got the call for the transfer day. It's this Friday, November 10th. Time to be determined. I'll know more about what time it'll be tomorrow when the nurse calls. I got my antibiotic, Medrol and progesterone pills all lined up on the counter-I'll start popping pills tomorrow morning.

Damn, now I've gotta get them those new shoes I saw in Nordstrom's. Who the hell knows what revenge they'll plot if they're not in my closet. At least I didn't give in on the BMW-there'd be hell to pay if I came home with an X3, that's for sure.

Of course, I've got a performance that night, but since I'm only in two scenes (and that's including the one where I'm making out onstage with the guy playing Thomas Jefferson) it won't be a big deal. I can just crash backstage for the rest of the show in my dressing room with the cracktop-no biggie.

We got through opening weekend-the orchestra (or, should I say MD) still blew big monkey chunks on Friday and Saturday night. I spoke to the producer and SM about it more in detail (as well as others in the cast), and Sunday's matinee was the first time it felt good, so hopefully next weekend's performances will be good. Of course, a reviewer had to come on Friday's performance, but whatever-there's not much else I can do about that, except sing the hell out of it (which I did!).

So, that's the story, for now. I'll be back tomorrow to update on a time.

Let's get the show on the road, dammit!

Still Nothing Yet

As of yesterday's bloodletting, my LH was at 11, so I'm not quite ready yet. Almost, but no cigar. The nurse who called me yesterday afternoon told me that my LH needs to be in the "high teens" for them to see that I'm about to ovulate, so it should be soon. I hope.

This shit is starting to old, if you know what I mean. I'm starting to make deals with my ovaries-a nice vacation, a new purse and shoes, some bling, perhaps. They must be holding out for something really good. Luckily I can't afford the BMW X3 that they're whinging about, or else I'd be screwed.

Those fuckers sure do drive a hard bargain. They just better do their job, or all bets are off.

Nothing Yet

I've been going daily since Monday for bloodwork, and I guess there's not been any indication of ovulating yet. I go again tomorrow for more bloodletting.

Great-I get to look like a junkie again. Well, there is a positive to all this-at least the bruises on the insides of my arms will nicely match the lavender in my costume. And my red wig. Plus, I was starting to get a little worried that I'd ovulate today or tomorrow and then have the transfer scheduled for Sunday afternoon, since I have a matinee that day and it would be a little hard to explain to people either (a). why I'm not at the show or (b). why the clinic needs to wait until Monday to do the transfer. The less I have to explain, the better it is for everyone.

That's all, folks. I'm bringing the cracktop with me to rehearsal tonight, so if I'll get a signal in there, I'll be back on later.